786 people viewed this blog, they are from 66 different countries.

It's so interesting to think - what all that people are doing right now? Who are they?

Maybe they are sleeping, eating, working, taking shower right now... at different parts of our planet. Different cultures, religions, age...

I thought about it after watching trailer of movie "Babies". Wanna watch it!

Who are you?

What are you doing right now?

Where are you from?

Where do you live?

Wondering:)

In love with life

After some time the borders of our personality are disappearing and thing which seemed so great before, now seem usual.

As for me, when in the evening I come to dorm and with my girls we share how we spent the day, I see something amazing in their eyes. They say like: "Wooow! How can you study at 2 faculties, work, take driving lessons and do something in AIESEC? How you have time?? Oooh, you can fluently speak english??". And then I realize - I am happy person. And that disappeared borders appear again) And again I see all benefits and advantages I have. If you are once AIESECer - you're always will be. After some time it becomes usual and ordinary to spend our life like this - in international space, with conferences, teams, leadership, challenges, interns, travelling and etc. etc... But we forget that there are some another life around us - without all this.

But actually we are special :)

And now, to 5th course of my studying and 3rd year of @ I see changes in myself and in my perception of world and people. The main discovery of these 3 years of @ were people, maybe because it always was the main problem for me - not to shy, to communicate closer, to meet strangers, to ask strangers, TO LIVE with strangers)) (for example, in dorm). It always was challenge and stress.

But recently I saw the results - I became interested in people - especially in people whom I know very little. I learned how not to judge people, how to see the whole picture (but not just some part which I want to see), I realized that I can be close to absolutely any person - because there is no person with whom there wouldn't be something common or similar. You can find the common language and approach to anyone. I LOVE to meet strangers and start talking to them) because I think every person has something to share with you, and you also have something to say.

I realized that I love people. Thats true:) Everything comes with experience.

This year I live with 3 new girls in my dorm - they are younger than me for 3 and 4 years. Today they asked me: "is it true that studentship are the best years in life? how was it for you?". And then I understood: "I couldn't wish something better than studentship with AIESEC". And I said: "Yes, it were the best years".

Today someone wrote me in vkontakte.ru: "the world is smiling to you". And I remember these words the whole day) Yes, it's smiling) I'm really happy person. Thanks God for everything I have at moment.

This summer was full of flasbacks. And full of "cut-offs" when I realized that some person is not important for me anymore.

Sometimes you used to think that you're important for someone and this person is important for you as well; that someone needs you and always will be somewhere near. But sometimes you're wrong. My mistake is that I become attached and addicted to people very fast, and then it's very painful for me to let them go. One of my "attachements" were lasting for 4 years. It was like a habit. I should over it about 2 years ago, but I was really addicted. When I asked: "is there any chance for us?" and realized no, next day I was in hospital with appendcitis. As soon as I woke up after operation, I thought: "Ok, I feel better". I felt like with appendicitis doctors cut off this my addiction to this person. Just after so many conflicts I became indifferent, I feel nothing now. It is not interesting for me what's going on with him. I don't care.

My 2nd flashback. I sent a e-mail. I was waiting for it a year, and for 1 year I was imagining: what if...? and when I did it, I realized: "I feel nothing!". And felt better.

I'm trying to learn how to just let go.

Yesterday I saw new girls with whom I'll live in dormitory. I'm quite closed person and it gets long time to get used to new people and to start trust them. But yesterday while falling asleep I thought: "I don't care". Maybe it's all AIESEC))) When after so many conferences, CEEDs, traineeships, buses, planes, trains and so many new faces you don't care - where and when to sleep, what to eat, you learn hot to be at several places at the same time and you're not afraid of new people, because communication with people (most of them are unknown) - it is the biggest part of AIESEC life. If this true, then I achieved that goal which I set 3 years ago - to stop shying and to become more communicative.

And can't avoid my job) I can say that I faced a real life. Life, when you have to be ready and should understand that everyone's watching, and you shouldn't do any mistakes. Also I faced with situation when you should be very careful, you shouldn't trust any words, you shouldn't say too mush, and as less people know about you as better for you.

It was challenging summer, and it was good for me. 1 month of my traineeship in Fortum left. Inspite of some bad moments, there were more good moments. And alredy now I know that I'll miss people there, and miss this company.

I'm surprised, but I'm reading book "Eat pray love" and it gives me harmony and calmness inside. I thought that it'll be another popular stupid book, but I want to have it in my house and read from time to time. Read at moments when everything is very bad. When I'm reading it, I feel happy.

This book is about woman who recently divorced and she decided to go for 1 year trip - 4 months in Italy, 4 months in India, 4 months in Bali. What did she fond there? Everything.

And what did I fond in this book? I fond silence for my soul. And hope.

The movie "Eat pray love" coming soon!

After that horrible trip in the bus with broken air conditioning, I thought: "Yes, for sure I don't wanna live in this country". But the next thought was: "But what can I do?". Where is that "global mindset" and popular "dream big", "impossible is nothing" and other Aiesec mottos which made our life easier? Where is it all?

After talking with Ira in gtalk I realized how far I'm from that life - life where the one and only dream was another trip to Cyprus, sms and calls were the most remarkable events and all talks were only about it and people there.
I realized that I just stucked in that memories for 1.5 years! 1,5 years it was the meaning of my life and every day I thought about it. 1.5 years of my life for nothing!
I'm so far from it now. And I'm glad. Now I see things which I couldn't see before.
It seems like for these 2 months alone I've fond myself and understood who I am as a person, who I am without influence of someone else, what do I want and what I think. To be alone for so long time is the best way to find solutions and make decisions.
For her it's "moving forward", but for me it's just "stucking in a moment". My path is gonna be different.

Some days ago I thought: "This summer is gonna be great!". But today I realized - more than half of summer already passed. And everything is still the same, still complicated and every day is still a small challenge.

This summer I'm without my closest friends in the city. This summer I focused on work and self-development. Every day I make small discoveries - about people, about professional area, about myself, about work relationship and career.

Sometimes we don't appreciate things we have, after some time we forget about its importance and value. The same with me. In the morning I wake in terrible mood thinking: "Oh no, again!". I'm tired. But I'm trying to keep in memory that days when I just started to work, when I just passed interviews and how happy I was. When in the office I see foreigners or hear someone talking in English, I think: "A lot of people are dreaming about this job, about this company and opportunity". I'm trying to save that feeling of happines and gratitude that I'm here, in this place.

But maybe the only thing which makes me nervous is that I want my results to be valued, to be noticed. I want to be noticed myself. I want to get this job officially. I understand that now I'm just trainee and some people don't see me even if they are looking at me... I know that I have to make a push for being a star there. All the people working there are talented, and for being remarkable you have to be something more than you are. It's a challenge, day by day. Working in HR department I know that they hire people all around Russia, and not only Russia. They invite them and propose huge salaries to work for this company. They are ready to pay a lot of money to the best professionals. And I work with such people, and even know face to face some of them. I'm really proud to be there, cause I know how hard is to get a job in this company.

And a lot of people feel invisible at the beginning of the career, when they are just trainees, or assistants, or at starting positions. And I have just to overcome it, be patient and calm. And to try to be the best.

And one more point - even Russia is a man-country. This society used to think than man is the main, everywhere - in a family, on work, man-boss is a tradition and etc. I always thought that our country is changing, but no! In this society where men hold most of all top positions in the company, if you're a woman, you have to be super-super woman to be seen by them! I even don't know what should you do for being equial! Yes, they can accept that you near, but they can't take you seriously, and they can't take you to their close circle. So, if you want to be on the top, you have to be a little bit man inside. Plus female fascination:)

This world seems to be still world of men. And we're playing in this game with men rules. Well, I agree. And it's even more interesting.

This summer I spend like an ordinary inhabbitant of Ural - having weekends near lakes and rivers. Oh God, I'm trying to like this kind of rest( And when someone goes out of city to spend weekend somewhere near lake and says: "Oh, it's such a great rest! I love it, what can be better", I think: "Omg". The only one the best kind of rest I want in the summer - it's to be at the beach near SEA, not near lake! Where is my plane tickets yaa? Where is some wonderful sea with totally clean water? :(

This summer is like a hell - at least +25 every day. And average is +30. It's not normal for us:) feel like in bath.

But one though makes me feel better!) In january, after the last finals in university (last AT ALL!) I'll take 1-2 weeks and go somewhere. To where? First answer was: "Of course Cyprus!". But who knows). Or, if I'm very-very lucky, I'll go somewhere already for New Year) Can't wait to hold plane tickets in my hands again! This thought really warms my soul when I feel bad))

The vacation and rest are good when they are not too long. Or maybe when you have something to do. Today was 20th day of my sick leave. And I already have no idea what to do, I want to work and do something!!! Oh God, I'm waiting for a day when I wear high-heeled shoes and come to the office, and my life will be back on track!
I think the most optimal option is to have 21 day of vacation - you already took a rest, and you already start to remember and miss your job:)
If in winter I take a vacation, I'll think over it properly and manage things to do) don't want just to waste time. So people, who will be next to me during my vacation, be ready for activities!

I miss Mediterranean sea :(
I miss Turkey and N.Cyprus, I miss Istanbul... I miss people.
New goal - to do everything for going there in winter.
Work, work and work..

Lots of things happened since I've written here something about my life.

Well, at first - Fortum. Next week we'll move to another office in the city center and I feel like I will work till night, cause from there I can get home easily, it's not so far (in contrast to our current office from where is at least 1 hour by bus to my home). Big city life :) Thanks God it's just Chelyabinsk, not Moscow)) My summer will be spent in the office and honestly, I'm very glad. Less time to store my mind with some crap. Work, work and work. Now I'm starting to feel this rhytm and a little bit stress. Though I'm in stress since I started to work there, I even lost weight. But I love this company, people, system, approach, international atmosphere, everything...

Since I have no time to be bored, to be attacked by memories, and to miss, I realized - I forgot about being in touch - and no one even sent me a message! It means that no one needs me there. Well, maybe next time I should go and discover some new place and new people?

Today I looked at my small St.Sophia from Istanbul and realized - it seems like I wasn't really there! I have memories, I remember every second, every noise and smell... but it's like so far away from me now! At the end of September I'll be able to go to Cyprus, but today I thought - is it really worth? Who will be glad to see me? Who miss me? Who remember me there? Of course this place is special for me and I still keep it in my heart. But maybe to go there again, alone, will be painful for me? I just want to see that wonderful sea, and nothing else, even to spend 1 day sitting at the beach and looking at the waves will be enough for me.

Maybe in autumn, or winter I'll go there. I'll pass my last finals, and go there for vacation. In winter I came there 1st time, and in winter I'll go there for the last time.

Fiasco, success and love - 3 things which can check the power of friendship. If you'll resist - you're very lucky! I'm afraid we're not. Envy - is so bad feeling, especially among close people. It's like a knife in your back.

1945-2010. 65 years later. Great Victory Day.

Today is a great day! 9 of May in 1945 fascist Germany forces capitulalted. Today is a great and huge celebration takes place all around the Russia. Parade in Moscow - it's AWESOME and unforgettable! Military forces, aircrafts, ground forces and others - all that was demonstrated during more than 1 hour in Moscow at the Red Square. Also forces of Soviet Union countries, Europe and USA participated there. Because it's our common victory.
We're all proud of our people. About 3/4 of all the forces Hitler sent to Russia. He wanted to make our people slaves. But he underestimated the spirit of our people. Children, women, men, old people - everyone fighted for freedom. In EVERY russian family there is someone who died during the war, who participated, who came back alive. My grandfather was a participant of war. We remember them, we're proud. And we'll do everything for avoiding such cruelty some day again. About 26 million people died only at Russian territory.
Thanks for this freedom we live nowadays in.
Thanks for protecting our land, our country, our people.
Thanks for not giving up.
Thanks for braveness.
This war made our mentality much stronger. And this day is the main day in a year for us. During the war people burnt their houses, cities - for what? For not leaving them to germans. Whatever, but not to leave our cities to people who will destroy and taunt it later. To die, but not to be slave for enemy. We're are not slaves.
Hitler wanted to reach Ural and Siberia, because he knew - it's a strategic territory. But no.
The name of my city Chelyabinsk at that time was Tankograd. There was the largest tank factory, and this city produced tanks T-34 for front 24/7, without any break.
There are 12 cities who has status of cities-heroes. 7 of them are in Russia, 4 in Ukraine and 2 in Byelorussia. I've been in 3 of them in Russia. I remember how impressed and shocked I was! I cried. I was really schocked. In one of them, Stalingrad (now it's Volgograd) there were words written at the monument, and I remembered that words forever. There was written: "Not a step back!". What is it?

Order No. 227 of July 28, 1942 was issued by Joseph Stalin acting as People's Commissar of Defence. It is famous for its line "Not a step back!" (Russian: Ни шагу назад! (Ni Shagu Nazad!)), that became a slogan of Soviet antifascist resistance.

That days in cities-heroes and things I saw there I'll remember till the end of my life.

The II World War is a useful lesson for humans. And we have to do everything for not letting evil enter inside of us. Peace is so fragile. We have to save it.
The Great Victory! I love my country, I'm proud to be russian and to live in such strong country. I'm proud of our history, of our people. I just love it.
We love, remember and appreciate those who's still alive and those who died during the war. Thanks for our freedom and for that fact that now we live in OUR country, but not in somebody's else.

About feelings.

To see bright eyes. To see inspiration and to feel it myself. To love what you do. To feel the sunshine and warmth inside. To smile and smile and smile! To be curious and ask questions. To love to get to know. To wait every next day. I can compare this feeling with my feeling at the last lesson with my students in Cyprus - I feel incredible inspiration!

All that reflects my feelings about Fortum. I love it! I'm in love with it! I can really say - that's a dream-company! I see new horizons and perspectives. I feel - it's mine! Finally I fond that thing which inspires me, makes me happy and I want to do it in my life! I can bring changes, I can inspire and motivate, I can make impact!

Just happy, simply happy. Happy every morning when I wake up at 6 a.m. and go to the bus stop. Happy every moment.

Thanks God for everything that I have. Really, it was destiny. Everything was destiny. Now I see that "connecting dots", which connect every single moment in our life and lead us towards something big and meaningful.

I feel euphoria and nirvana! I feel butterflies inside! This is it. My happiness! Finally!

Well, what can I say? Dreams come true!

I've got a job in Fortum - it's Finnish company working in the field of electrical power engineering and heat-power engineering, and it has branches in Nordic, Baltic countries and in Russia. It's very huuuge!! I'll work in HR department in staff development area)

I thought - the destiny really exists! Remembering the situation with Bahrain, I really think that it was destiny! I saw this email with opportunity in Fortum by chance, I sent my CV in russian and english, then I came for interview and I expected that I can be an intern in some economics department, but they said: "Now we're recruting people in HR department. Are you interested in it?" I said: "OF COOOURSEEE!!!". So, I even didn't know that beforehand. And now during next 5 months I'll work there as intern.

I won't be in MCVPTM in Bahrain, but I'll work here in HR in international company. When something has to happen, it will happen.

Think positively, smile, even if you feel like shit, never give up and don't lose faith!

It's a new day, a new wave, and I'm inspired and motivated! I feel it in the air!))

I can't understand why some people are talking and talking about things which hurt me? And they KNOW that it's hurtful! About Bahrain, about "where will you go this summer?", about something else... they're just talking and asking, and I suppose they don't realize that these topics are taboo for me. Especially about Bahrain - they like so much to ask, to say: "Wow! When you'e going there?", or "OMG! Whyyy??", they're telling something about it... and the point is that I know - the people who are asking that, they absolutely don't care about me, they just want to satisfy their curiousity, and that's all. And I'm just... there are just rude words in my mind at these moments and I want to say "Shut up please!" and use all rude words I know.

But I'm trying to be calm, I'm smiling and say: "It's ok, shit happens, I'm fine fine fine...". I'm trying to overcome it inside, I'm trying to switch to another things, to find something else.

And one more thing I hate - words "you're special" and other bla bla. I'm not fucking special, NO! And please don't tell me that, because I know - people are so hypocritical, so I don't want to participate in any kind of lie.

I'm so tired. I don't want to smile and show everyone "I'm great!" anymore..

I'm so tired of that I want to seem strong and imperturbable.

I just want to get away from here in some quiet place, where I can be alone and where I can structure all that mess in my head.

But tomorrow again I have to wake up, to do make up, imagine that my mood is wonderful, go somewhere, smile and answer to all the questions: "I'm fine! I'm great!".

It's also a kind of lie. And I'm a liar. All our life is a theatre.

It's 2.26 a.m. here and I have too many thoughts in my head. They just don't let me sleep.

Listening to Ayo-Letter by letter and watching how cigarette's smoke is going up to the opened window.

Still trying to combine big picture in my head - what do I really want? And these people who ask questions, they are exploding my head. I don't know! I don't know anything. Everything is too complicated and this mess in my head doesn't let me live my life.

Waiting for "aha-moment" when everything will be simple, clear and structured.

Birthday is coming. Somewhy every year I don't want this day to come. Maybe because it became like obligation, when you think: "Ok, I have to meet with that people, do that and that..". I want to return that feeling from childhood when you can't sleep night before and when you feel butterflies inside and feel so excited, when your day is full of joy and happiness. Just when you know that there will be something magical and surprising...

Where is the magic? I heed it so much!

Connecting the dots

There are no bad events without the good ones, I know. 1 month passed, but I'm already searching for good side of that. I understand that maybe it's too early to look for next "connection point" after that MC accident, but still I don't see anything good in it. I know, that after some time something will happen and I'll say: "Yes, that's it, it was destiny".

Just yesterday I tried to remember all connection points since I live in Che - for last 4 years. Love, relationship, disappointments, friendship, breaking ups, dramas, happiness, success, tragedies. Sometimes I thought that life is over, that this is how the end looks like. Sometimes I thought that nothing good can ever happen with me anymore. Sometimes I thought that I found a pure happiness. Sometimes I thought that I found my way.

And now, remembering the events of even 9 or 10 months ago, I understand - even bad things were the reason of something good, and without them I wouldn't have all that good things which I have now. I'm sure there is some kind of destiny.

I know - all that disappointing things which happened while I live in Che let me get all that people I love, things I know, expericence, ideas, worldview, opportunities...

So, what can I say? Only "Thank you" to all people who even betrayed me, offend or something some time ago.

It's like you don't see where you're going right now, but later you get the opportunity to take a look back, and see the whole picture, then you can see the shape of figure you created. And it's unique and beautiful.

I hope very soon I'll find my next connection point which will show me that everything is in its right place.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Steve Jobs

Decided that it's time to change something, and for woman the easiest way to change something in life - is to change a haircolour) Yesterday we spent more than 1 hour with Ira in the shop choosing the colour of hair dye. And then we did it together) So, she is blond and I'm red-haired.

Started my day with cyprus-style breakfast - orange juice + fried eggs) Ohhh, I miss those white cheese! Today is Easter, the weather is great, my window is opened and I even can get a tan sitting on the windowsill:)

My haircolour is awesome, I feel awesome and hope life will get right:)

Escapee or fighter?

After latest developments in country, I'm thinking about it again. It's easiest way to escape, and harder to fight and develop. But what if I see that people just everytime say that "life is so unfair, everything could be much better" and so on, but as soon as the changes come, people are not happy again and say: "Ooh, earlier everything was so perfect!". It looks like psychology of slaves.

What's the reason to sing songs about changes, if your mind is not ready for it? It's like in 1861, when emperor Alexander II abrogated the serfdom in Russian Empire. What do you think those dependent peasants did? They supposed to run away and be happy to get independence, but they said: "No, we don't want to leave our nobles, we live pretty well here". This is a psychology which have been emerging for ages.

When this country will be satisfied? Society destroys it from inside.

I love my country, I live here almost the whole life, but sometimes can't understand the way of thinking of these people. Sometimes they are so strange. It's our uniqueness also and sometimes it's cute, but...

People want to live in the same condition and afraid of any development and improvement. Maybe it's conditional by history, mentality, politics and etc., maybe people are afraid of unpredictability of life?

But where is the generation of 90s who was fighting for freedom and changes? Where all that people who provoked, who did revolution and who built new country - Russian Federation?

Words from Viktor Tsoy song, song which reflects the spirit of those crazy times - Russia of 90s: "Our hearts are demanding for changes! It's in our laugh, in our tears and in pulsation of vein - changes, we're waiting for changes! Sigarettes are in our hands, cup of tea is on the table - this is how the circle is closing up, and suddenly it's scary to change something".

We are developing. But that revolution of 90s wasn't done till the end, I guess.

We need revolution in our minds. While the Soviet Union spirit is still alive, it'll be very hard.

If you're not sure of things which you'd want to do - don't do, otherwise later you'll apologize about mistakes and disappointments. Moreover, it can hurt close to you people.

If you're not sure that you really-really-really want it - don't do, cause the effects can be unpredictable.

You can walk up the stairs for years and one day see that the ladder stays near the wrong wall. And everything is wrong and not like you expected.

Missing is so awful feeling when you don't know when you see this person next time.

Missing is so awful when you can't hear the voice, see eyes.

It was so nice and sweet before, but now... it became something hopeless. I can't feel that warmth and tenderness anymore. Maybe it's just a period.

Memories and missing are directly connected. When you miss someone, you don't have anything else except memories. And they are killing me. Uncertainty is killing me. I don't know where and when we meet. I don't know this "next point". I don't know anything. I just want to be there.

Today I woke up with a feeling that I want to have a cup of coffee with view of bridge. Remembered morning with coffee from McDonald's with view of Bosphorus. It was unforgettable.

2 days off. What to do? Probably it'll be 2 days of english translation hometasks.

It's +7 in Che and finally we can take off our hats! The weather is wonderful. The question is - who wants to go for a walk and have a glass of milkshake with me?:)

The question which we like to ask during interview: "Imagine that tomorrow is the end of the world. How would you spend your last day?".
It's so interesting to listen the answers, it reflects people's values and priorities.
During last 5 months I'm thinking about it all the time. It's very simple, but when reality makes you suddenly realize this, it shockes you. When just one case opens your eyes, you start to think different.
And the most valuable thing I'm trying to keep in my mind is - there is no "tomorrow", only "now".
And yesterday accident in Moscow.. There is just one thought - live the moment. Life is unpredictable.
And this usual fear - what if I have no time to do something? What if one day can be too late?
Every day live like it was your last day.
Enjoy every second.
Open your window and look at the sky - it's gorgeous!
Call your family and say how much you love them.
Look at the people around - they are beautiful.
Hug your friend and feel the warmth.
Say: "I love you!".
Smile.
Keep the fire and passion in your heart.
Buy a plane ticket and go to the place of your dream.
Meet sunrise.
Don't waste your time for negative emotions. Focus on people you love.
Do things you have never done before.
Follow your heart.
Enjoy your life. You'll never have the 2nd chance. NEVER!
Just now or never.

if, could, would

I don't know why I love to torment myself so much. I don't know why sometimes I like to watch old pictures so much. Why I like to remember people who gone from my life many time ago.

Why I can't delete all that from my laptop. Why I'm still keeping things which remind me.

Usually I don't like to say "what if...", because there is no any "if..", there is just reality and if something haven't happened, it means I should forget about it. Though I let these thoughts come to my mind. What if..?

What if I didn't do mistakes?

What if the curcumstances were different?

What if I could change something?

What if...

Maybe these "what if" exist in my mind cause I feel some incompleteness. Maybe because I didn't have chance to say last word.

If something happens, it means that it's better option. Even if it's something bad, after some time you'll see that it's better than could be. But I can't. I still can't. So many time passed, but it's still in my mind.

My reason knows that that way was better, that anyway we wouldn't have any chance. But my heart still can't get used to it.

I believe in destiny and signs. And every person in my life means something. And someone was really destiny, someone who changed my life. Someone, who made river of life turn to another way.

I prefer to live in reality, but anyway I still believe in miracles. Maybe sometimes there is meaning to say: "What if..."?

Terrorism.

Today in the morning 2 acts of terrorism happened in Moscow subway, in the city center.

2 explosions.

About 38 people died...

Probably some Chechen Republic terrorist organization did it.

First thought is: "WHY???" Oh God, why somebody do it against civilian population??? Why somebody hate my country so much?? Why somebody wants to kill people??

And that bombs were done in that way to make as much harm as it's possible. It was full of some iron stuff to kill as much people as it's possible...

I don't know, I'm just shocked! Everybody in the country shocked!

Why people can't live peacefully??

In such situations it's so hard to stay tolerant.

I love my country and our people so much.

I want to live in peaceful and safe world. How can we do something against terrorism in the whole world?(

Sometimes I feel so small...

Scary...(

What is challenge? Short-term challenge is when you have to do something just once, but it's hard. Like my semester project:) It makes you stronger, makes stronger your will power.

But I prefer long-term challenges. They can be not so obvious, it can look like just changes in your life, but you feel that you're growing, becoming stronger and getting used to work harder. Like life abroad. You're not notice that, but it changes you day by day. I need challenge.

I wanna go to internship:(

Summer is coming...

I want to do so many things. But I have to study and get GPA as high as it's possible. But unfortunately my thoughts are not here and everytime I'm thinking about not that things which I have to think about.

I want to say so many things.

I want to fulfill all my emotional holes and emptiness inside.

I want to express all that I feel.

I want to make time go faster.

I want to graduate as soon as possible.

I want to feel these fucking 2 diplomas in my hands.

I just want to leave, escape, whatever. Far far away. At least for 1 week.

Can miracle happen with me at least 1 time, a?

And I don't want my birthday.

After sleepless nights, doubts and sorrows, I understood what's the problem - I'm that kind of person who needs to have some idee fixe all the time. Without it I'm just dying.

It's better to try and regret, than not to try and regret.

So, let's start do something.

People in motion

Today on the way to my hometown I realized - how much I love road, I love 1st place in the bus with huuuge window in front of you, I love drivers and their music on the radio...
I spent my childhood in trains, cars, buses - thanks God our relatives live all around Russia (unfortunately except Far East) and at school I loved geography cause knew all the directions:) and my mom, she loves travelling and everytime she took me and we went somewhere))
It doesn't matter where you're going - to another continent or just to another city 2 hours driving from you - it's always a small journey and travelling, especially if it's new place for you.
Sometimes when I'm going to buy a ticket home I come to railway station and watch trains and people. It's so interesting, people are so different - why they go or come? who is waiting for them somewhere? whats the reason? and 1 more million questions in my head:)
Mmm..and I love smell of mazut at the railway stations - it assosiates for me with childhood, new cities and impressions.
Then it became planes and airports:) Especially if you have to wait for your flight, you have a lot of time for watching people and for drinking bad coffee. Especially if it's international airport. Oh, I love it so much!
People is the most interesting part of any travel, cause in different places they are different, have different habits and life-styles and you feel like you just landed at new planet and you feel sooo many courage to learn - how everything works here? And at first you feel courage to meet new people and after some time you already get some their habits, words and you LOOVE it!
And I love when people meet each other at the stations, in the airports... So many love! In such places I see these people - people in motion - and think that our life consists of meetings and partings, of waiting and excitement. And motion. People are constantly moving, they don't stop.
In travellings I feel alive.

Nobody can decide for you what is better. It's only your life and you will live it. You can ask for advice, but to listen someone's opinion and reaction? For what? It's better to listen to advice for concluding some statistics for yourself and make decision by your own.

Moreover, why you have to listen all that lectures and bla bla when you already did something and you're happy? They just will make you upset and deprive all your happiness and joy.

So, lesson #1: don't listen to anybody. Just do what you want, what will make you happy and what you think will be better for you and your future. Nobody can feel it better than you. Nobody will understand your feelings and motivation. If you feel that it'll be right - do it.

And when someone tryes to change your mind or to dictate his will, just think that it's your life and noone has any rights to do it with you.

I just have to choose one opportunity and focus on its achieving. The main thing I have to get - is independence. Then I'll do what I really want. I have 1 year for it.

Oh god, I feel like I'm 15 again and fighting for freedom and independence.

Oh, and btw - fuck them all, I want to live my life with my own scenario.

Home. Where is it? And what is it?

Place where you was born? Place where you live? Or place where you feel like at home?

Then, where is my home? Uzbekistan which I miss so much and dream about coming back one day? Or Russia where I live? Ozersk where I spent 12 years, or Chelyabinsk where I live for 4 years? Or maybe it's Cyprus, where I felt like at home, where I felt so calm and relaxed as never before?

I don't feel like I'm connected to one place where I'd like to spend the entire life.

And where will be the next stop? Where will I live after graduation? I feel that Chelyabinsk is done for me. It's time to move on. The world is so big and there is some special place for me too. I just want to find it.

Everytime I'm tend to move somewhere where I'm just a stranger. Everything could be much more simple if I'd live just here the whole life. Then I'd find the answers to all my questions. And everything would be much more defined.

And what is now? I just don't know. So many roads and I'm confused. The responsibility is to find the right one. I don't wanna do mistakes.

Where will be my home for next years? Who knows?

After spending a weekend with my niece, again and again I realized that:

- children love not because of something, they just love

- they don't need a reason, the main reason is the word "want"

- their energetics is amazing

- seeing happines and shine in their eyes makes you incredibly happy

- they have answers for any question

- they give a lot of happiness

- when child is holding your hand - it is the best moment you can even experience

- from children we can learn how to enjoy life, be happy and merry everytime

- also you can learn something about yourself - how old are you:) are you able to dream? how creative are you? how good is your imagination and etc.

I just love my Marina, cause she is a perfect child:) Just happy. And it is so great that she's just 5:) for a while))

And children should be role-models for us much more often than we can imagine!

I want to re-read "A little prince". Definetely!

Magic moment: waking up city, cup of coffee in my hands, positive music, for example this - Santana feat. Michelle Branch - The game of love; my 5th floor and rising sun :)

Saturday morning.

Today is a day of tenderness)

Thing #1.

I love the feeling when you realize that someone needs your help, needs you and you can help somehow. Mutual understanding, support and tolerance - thеsе are the main things I learned from these 4 years of living in dorm. Most of people don't like the common living, but I like - it's not boring, it's interesting and it makes you grow up very fastly and it teachs you how to live independently cause it's real school of life - when you're 17 you already start to live alone, and it makes you stronger. You use to make all the decisions by youself, you decide what will you eat today and only you can make your life better yourself! We have very warm relationship and after 1 year I don't know where will I be, what will I do, but the one thing I know exactly - I can't live alone for a long time! It surprises me, cause usually I need personal space and if it's too crowded around me and I have no chance to spend some time alone, I become nervous and tired. But maybe after these 4 years I learned how to create personal space even if you're in a crowd:)

I love such nice evenings like today - cooking together, wathing some movie, sitting on the windowsill and smoking together, having looong talks about everything...

Today Sasha is feeling bad and I'm giving her a medicine and milk :) we're taking care of each other like a family:)

I just can't imagine that after 4 months my girls will graduate and leave, maybe we'll live in different cities...

And even if I'm in bad mood or angry or upset, when I come here in my dorm and see these faces I just think: "Oh god, how could I be angry? They are so sweet!:)"

Thing #2.

I love to wake up and see sms. If it's nice of course)) I love to learn something new about someone or something. Feeling of tenderness.

Thing #3.

Ira, I suppose it's destiny. I'll stay with you forever:)) Or maybe till that time when we see the sky of London together! Or till that time when we both live in Cyprus:) I just love my crazy Ira. I'll never find one more friend like her. My little tupitca:)

Thing #4.

I don't mind if someone (whom I don't know very well) shares with me something personal and looking for support. I always wanted to be a psychologist:) So, I like it and can listen.

Tomorrow finally I'm going to Snezinsk and I'll spend this weekend with my brother, his wife, my sister and my little sweet princess - my niece Marina. Sometimes I think that I really love her more than someone else in this world! Can't wait this moment when I hug her and kiss!!!
Family weekend is waiting for me! And no parents allowed!:)

Today I touched and even kissed a REAL dolphin!!! Oooh, I fell in love with these smart and beautiful animals!!! I love them!

I was looking at man who works with them and thought - what did make him to choose this profession? I suppose it was dream. It wasn't someone's wish or expectation. Dream, just dream can do this.

I have a dream. And even if something disappointing and unfair happens, it shouldn't make you turn back or stop. It should make you work even harder. Just look at the mirror and say: "You can do it!" - and go on!

This case made me think, make conclusions and teached me.

I have a lot things to improve. In myself, in this world, in my country, in people's attitude. If you want to change the world - start from yourself. I just have to grow up. Right now, when it's not too late.

Btw I want to thank my dear friends. Those who see me every day and those who are so far away from me now. I love you all and without you I wouldn't be happy and wouldn't be that person who I am today.

I started to create wish list for my birthday) It seems like with every year my wishes become more and more simple and I become sentimental.

For example, I want:

- huuuuuge beautiful puzzle

- new watercolours or oils

- ticket to circus show!

- some book

- tulips

- doing crazy things with friends (like my last b-day with EB)

"Back to childhood" wishes) Or maybe I just want to be happy through these small joyful things?

Actually it all doesn't matter. I just want to spend this day with closest people. In circus:)

And gift of my dream - to be not here.

Today with my sister we're going to dolphin show. People say that if you make a wish and touch a dolphin, it'll come true. And that dolphins bring happiness. I will try)

Moreover, I have never seen dolphins and today one my dream will come true!

And it is so interesting - once you lose something and at next moment someone wants to give you something to make you feel better. But unfortunately, it's not interchangeable.

I appreciate it, but I need time and later I'll be fine. Just the only one thing which I want now - not to hear questions and words.

I feel like it's happening not with me, but with someone else.

Can't believe that now my life will be different. Different from my plans and expectations, dreams.

There is just one question in my mind: WHY?

It's just bad circumstances. It happened. No, it's not "just". It's important for me.

But anyway, I shouldn't let this situation make me down. It should make me think. Think about another opportunities during this fucking last year! Damn it. Think about another options for my future.

And as Saif said, there are no bad situations without good ones to follow. Yes. I'm trying to keep it in my mind for feeling better.

I'm surprised that I'm so calm now. No some strong emotions, nothing. I feel like I'm sleeping and it's just a nightmare, can't believe it's reality. I just don't feel anything... Numbness.

It is so cold. Middle of march. It's snowing and snowing. I like when the snow is falling at my hair. Just stand under the falling snow and listen to the silence.

When the spring come? When the warm shiny days come? When all the clouds melt? When the snow thaw? I'm tired of having constantly frozen hands...

Lack of sunshine, lack of smiles, lack of happiness around.

Everything will be fine. One day, I know.

I still can't realize that I'm ELECT! ELEEEEEECT!!!!!! Maybe I'm sleeping? Maybe it's just a dream? Noooo!!! Reality!

Do you want to know about my feelings when Ali called me? Haha) I even don't remember clearly:) I just remember that I felt like something happened and I can't realize - what the hell is that?? After that call I sat down and said: "Well... I'm going to Bahraaaaaain!!!!!!!!" )))) And even at that evening I couldn't realize till the end, that this is it - DREAMS COME TRUE! It is weird, very-very weird! At one moment you realize - your life will never be the same again and everything will completely change! Ufff..) Several months ago I couldn't imagine that I'll go to this country, I couldn't imagine how much I'll love this country and that this country will become the meaning of my life for the next year!) This is the miracle of life. And this is the uniqueness of AIESEC - life sometimes is unpredictable and it is great! You feel that you're part of this world and actually it doesn't matter where to go, cause you are a citizen of the world.

There is a world map on my wall and there are marked "must visit" places, including Middle East, and today I looked at them and thought: "Yes... dreams come true!" And here it is - my world, it's on my wall, it's all in my hands. I want to hug the whole world:)

Just simply happy.

So many positive emotions! And also here are some negative, but it's normal - for keeping balance:)) I know that I'm strong and everything will be great.

Btw this is a tendency - VPFs turn into VPTM)) Dima Rumyansky - hello!) hahaha))) and me) who's the next?)

So, 3 months in Russia left. And I'm enjoying this melting snow!

8th of March

Today is international women's day. And only in several countries it's national holiday. In Russia it's one of the most important and joyful holidays in year. Yesterday we came back from the conference and at the railway station I saw lots of sellers with flowers, sweets, red balloons and traditional yellow mimosa :) all women in our country get flowers, presents and men do everything for us today, including cooking dinner and cleaning the apartment haha:)

I got so many messages with congratulations from russians, but from my foreign friends just Ugur congratulated me (and I'm sure it was just because it was in my status). Different countries, different culture, different attitude and values.

The congress was good, and the main thing I noticed - the delegates were completely different from all previous recruitments. It was my 6th local congress.

Faci-team and chair. There wasn't feeling that we are team, it was just like: "Ok, it's just my job". Nailya is the best))) Everything was so calm and quiet, without any strong emotions like our all previous faci-meetings)

EB 10-11 elections. Difficult. Shock. EB 09-10 speech - so touching... 2nd generation after us. Can't believe it. The questions and the candidates level were much more higher than on our elections or last year, it means that the LC level is getting higher, they are more professional and it's great. Video about @ history and my thoughts how much I love this organization, but people sometimes act so stupid and hypocritical - I hate it when the face aspect and feelings are not the same. And it's so mean when it gets open just at important moment when you're the most vulnerable. Elections... The EB team 10-11 is great, but can't believe that Sasha isn't there too...((

Olya, Dana and Ksu applied for alumni. Only me and Ira left. Can't believe that 2,5 years of my life - is AIESEC, and now it's time to become an alumni of AIESEC Chelyabinsk. Can't believe that it is last chapter of my being in this LC. I'll also apply for alumni soon. Maybe this week I'll do it.

Cherokee and Caroline - interns are great) Especially Cherokee)))) Oh god, I definetely love China))))

I'm waiting for my MC elections result. During the conference I was thinking about it all the time and probably had all kinds of emotions. And today I spent the whole day at home, checking gmail, but there is still nothing! :( Can't wait anymore(

The song of the day - Chale Jaise Hawaien :)

Yesterday during interview I was asked question: "What was the hardest decision in your @XP?". Very quickly I remembered all that 2,5 years and realized - it was the moment when I said: "I won't apply for LCP". I filled up the application and everything... It was hard, because I realized - it's not exactly what do I want, this opportunity won't bring me that changes which I want to do in myself, and when everyone expects something from you, when you know - you will win, when people already say "you're almost LCP" - it becomes not so interesting for you. Especially other people's expectations. It was like obligation, it became an obligation for me.

Somewhy we used to think "I must", "I have to". But "have to" what? Realize someone's expectations and hopes? And what about you? YOU!

And at that moment I felt like I'm "glued" to all that people. And the most important - my LC. I decided that I shouldn't sacrifice myself, if I don't really want it, if I have no motivation. Because the result can be unexpected.

Yes, I'm still learning how to say "no".

And it's not an egoism, it's just thinking about myself, my real needs and plans.

As a final - I didn't apologize. This year 09-10 was amazing for me, and I believe - that moment was a destiny. The main thing - I went for internship. And it totally changed lots of things in my life - goals, worldview, dreams, plans, priorities...

The main point - listen to your heart, always! Your heart knows things better, than your mind:)

Tomorrow I have one more interview. I'll do it my best!

To be one team.

What is real friendship?

Friendship is...

when you're sad and you just know whom you can talk to

when the happines is common and disappointment is common

when you get the best presents just because your friend is like your twin and knows you very well!

when you create funny names for each other (like "my little hamster")))

when you're like family

when you create synergy)

when you never lie, never hurt, never keep secrets away from each other

when you protect and support each other

when you can fall down and you friend will catch you

when 1 glass of tea is common)

when you have your own motto)

when you call each other even through 3000 km apart

when you're going to doctor together) or just have plans to do it:))

when suddenly you see message in gtalk: "Vik, I love you. Just felt it"))

when your intuition and mind are SO similar, so you even oversleep lessons at the same time, the same day

when you two say the same words at the same moment

when you can just look at each other without any word and understand everything)

when you can come and say: "Do you have some food for me?")

when you will never have quarrel about boyfriends. Just because you shows so different tastes:)

when you will never betray and never be betrayed

when you like and dislike the same people

when your dreams and goals already were similar though you even didn't meet each other ("-my dream is London". "-MINE TOO!") :)

when you're together EVERY day already for some years and still didn't fed up of each other)

when you start missing each other after 1 day parting

when suddenly you're going to meet sunrise on the bridge at 4 a.m. together

when one day you come and say with tears: "I've just broke up", you hear as the answer: "Oh((... do you want some cognac?" )))

when you have lots of enjoyable moments together)

when you share everything

when... just when you love your friend:)

Yes, it is all about friendship!

To be one team.

Irochka, of course it's all about you, my little hamster, my dear friend and comrade!))

P.S.: moya dohlaya martyshka, I'll be with you ALWAYS! And will never leave you alone:)

Stay away from SWINE FLU! ))))

0.28 here. 1st day of spring came! People always are waiting for spring:)

This day just came and already I see statuses, get messages with words something like: "With 1st spring days!".

This spring is gonna bring me lots of hopes and expectations.

it's all because of cold - winter here lasts almost 4-5 months and people are happy to feel first warm sunshine:)

And me too. Tomorrow (already today) I'm gonna buy pink tulips!

Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know...

It's stupid to deny it, make jokes and claim that I'm happy that everything is like this. It's stupid to say: "It was the best decision, it was wise decision". Best decision? Hahaha. No way. And yes, I regret.

And I'll never have the courage to throw away that only printed picture of us which I have. And won't have the courage to delete the rest from laptop.

Somewhere deep inside I still love him. It's impossible to cut piece of heart and just throw away. Everything I can do - is just try to overcome it. No person - it means no feelings. Just my heart doesn't want to accept it.

Today were LCP elections. Natalia Bycova is LCP 10-11 of @ Chelyabinsk!!! Ksusha is OCP of Plan-it. Some dreams come true, but some - not...

In 1 week we have conference and I know - it'll be the last conference for me in Che as faci. Just 1 week and I'll know the results of MC elections.

1 week... and what will happen then? Anyway my life will not be the same. With AIESEC or without it.

The song Nouvelle Vague - "Ever fallen in love" will be always associated with winter 2010 in my mind:)

I have mixed feelings right now. Feeling of the end of something and feeling of the great beginning of something else at the same time. Sadness and happiness.

Anyway, everything in its right place.

AIESEC Russia never stops.

Today about idee fixe. I have several of them and they don't let me sleep well)) so, welcome on the stage TOP-3 of my idee fixe:

1. Dolphins!)) They are sooo cute! And they're kind and very smart! And it's strange but I have never seen dolphins in real! There are no dolphins in the sea of Azov where I spend so many time in childhood. They are only in Black sea, but I didn't see them there:( And my dream is at first to see them, to touch and to swim with them! If one day it comes true, I will be the happiest person ever!

2. And one more - if one day I have so much courage and challenge myself to ride a horse finally (or at least dare to touch!) I'll be so proud of myself! Cause I'm afraid even to come close to them)

3. After riding a horse - to ride a camel! Though I think they are more safe than horses:)

4. I asked myself very often: people invented breeds of small dogs who stayed small the whole life. So, why they didn't do that with cats?? Cats could stay so cute and small like kittens! Anyway I love my Kira, though she is not a kitten anymore)

5. One day when I'll be rich and famous, I will buy paint of Salvador Dali. Man of my dream:) I wish he died at 1989 when I was born:( otherwise I'd pay any money to meet him! Though..maybe it was reincarnation?)))) Moreover, he knew Frida Khalo! (Though she didn't like him). But I love both of them!

It's quite rarely when we can hear honest and detailed opinion about our work from our stakeholders. But today finally I got it. It wasn't very enjoyable to hear such words, but it was true. Really, our age and student status sometimes plays against us. So, if it's like that, if we're young and people used to think "young means not experienced, not serious", at least we have to look seriously, everything - face, clothes, hair, hands, words. First impression.

And today was not so cool to hear all that, though I asked for this feedback by myself. Maybe it was our mistake - our successors don't think that it's important. Wish I was there and saw all that!!!

But now it'is recruitment time and your appearance - it's the first thing which potential members see. You even don't say any single word - people already see you. And you will never have the 2nd chance to make a first impression.

And popular words that "your face doesn't matter, matters what is inside" are NOT true! Face matters! Yes, you always can fix wrong 1st impression, but maybe it's better to do everything right from the beginning?

And it's popular mistake - often aiesecers wear business suit only for meeting with company. We like words "let's be professional" very much. So, let's follow this, a?

"Be professional" means to do it everytime, everywhere, in everything - from parfum to speech.

The way you look like - matters very much, remember that!

For example, I saw @ poster and want to go for internship. Internship abroad - very important desicion and even can be dangerous. So I want to be safe and want to be sure in every detail. And if I come to the meeting and see crowd of people who look like ordinary students, who look not very neat, what should I think about them? I'd think: "What the hell? Is it organisation which will orginise my internship abroad??". And probably I would say "No, I don't trust them".

So, let's be professional, guys. And not just bla bla bla.

Thought of the day: just accept the situation that you're not that kind of girls about whom they can say: "She is nice".
Those who "nice" would never do tricks like me. And never use bad words.
At least, I'm not the only one)
Iraaa, we are not nice! And I LOOOVE it so much!)

Music: Lily Allen - Fuck you

What is the most important thing if you face with jerks? - to take a deep breath and... smile. Imagine that he is not an asshole, but just a child who needs an explanation. So, explain. Be calm and friendly. Even if that bastard is trying to bowl you down. Even if he is stupid like wood.

And always remember about your health! Nerve cells are not renewable! No stress!

One day I want to achieve that degree of imperturbability which is enough for being totally calm everytime. And one day my voice will be so quiet, so I won't be able to shout))

I am - light pink lotus flower. I am so calm and relaxed. I'm not reacting to someone's provocations. I'm so peaceful everytime, in any situation. Yes, imagination definetely is the best friend in such situations. And self-suggestion.

Feel like very soon I will go to yoga classes=\

Dana and Ksu - one day I hope I'll be so imperturbable like you:)

Today is day off and I can sleep and sleep! I was crossing the road and suddenly met Lyosha, actually I was going to buy ticket to home but he made me have a cup of tea together. Yes, keeping up the relationship is more important than some business which can wait. Sharing last news and ordinary talks. He told me that Eugene is going to rent another apartment and something else about him. Ok, I don't care. He doesn't bother me already for about 10 days, so I'm happy. It means that everything is finally over.

There are million thoughts in my head at the same time - interview, can't wait for musical in theatre, business english, LCP elections, cleaning room, etc, etc...

I don't like very much days off, especially if there is no some activity. I'm alone in the dorm already for 5 days and Sasha is coming back tomorrow. Oooh, I don't like being alone:( when you're coming back at home in the evening and there is nobody to have cup of coffee with:(

Ira brought me from Izmir very cool hand-made photo album! I like things like this - I know that nobody else has it!) Really, all gifts from different people and countries which I have make me so happy! I used to live like this - meet foreigners very often, speak english almost every day, meet new cultures and have friends from different countries... and I'm really lucky in my life. Not every person of my age has experience like me, not everyone speaks english, especially here - in th middle of Russia, not in capital-city. I look at my wall with world map and realize - it is in my hands and I'm happy person.

Here are last cold february days and I'm not parting with blanket. Moreover, today some disaster happened to central heating system and there is no hot water((( but they promised to fix everything till tomorrow. Only hot chocolate makes the situation not so sad.

This semester we have again accounting and taxation in NGOs. And this is it - thanks to my term of VP F! I learned all it in practice and when I haven't such subjects at uni yet! And now I feel so confident and it is esy for me to understand and learn that subjects.

Everything I need right now - is an inspiration for generating brilliant ideas!

In the novel "One hundred years of loneliness" by Gabriel Garcia Marques, one guy could fly after drinking cup of hot chocolate, so I hope at least it'll make me be inspired!

Our life is full of miracles. Just take a look around! Our life is so short and every day is enjoyable and beautiful.

I love small miracle moments in my life) when my cat is lying on my knees, or when I hold cup of hot chocolate in my hands, or when I see child who is feeding pigeons in the park...

Life is beautiful and full of love. Our mistake is that sometimes we just don't see it.

I love film "Amelie", it makes me see small wonderful moments in every day again, if I forgot about it:) It makes me believe that things are better than it seems. It makes me believe in happines. And love.

And Odry Tautou!)) Her big brown eyes make her so ingenuous!)

Oh, french music, Monmartre and small cafes!..

13 days left till spring and here is already warm sun and singing birds in the morning! Spring - is a new life!

Can't wait the moment when I can finally take off warm clothes, hat, gloves and wear silk scarf and light purple beret!

All our dreams will come true, I know. We'll get everything that we want. Our future is great, though it's a little bit scary right now.

Just 1 year left till graduation.

And our future won't live up to smb's expectations. Why? It won't live up to somebody's ordinary expectations. We won't come back to our home-cities for constant living, we won't have a job which hardly covers monthly costs... and we won't be satisfied with it.

Just because we can't do that with our lives after all that we experienced. From now on we'll strive to get something more.

Something, which will satisfy our needs, wishes and dreams. Especially dreams. If we can't reach our dreams and goals, we'll be extremely unhappy.

Since we crossed this edge, we can't let ourselves be worse.

So what if it can be hard right now? So what if we should be patient and wait a bit more? As I remember, it never stopped us.

And everything will come true. Just faith, belief and confidence.

I live in wonderful country.

Here is you can see squirrels in central parks.

You can feel the warmth of sun on your face, though it can be -30 degrees at the same time.

You can experience -30 in winter and +30 in summer.

You can try to swim in the ice hole in January) russians do that, YES!)))

Here you can see suddenly lade-down snow lying on the green grass in June.

Here are big cities and the most expensive city in the world - Moscow.

Here are bears, deers, wolves and foxes in the deep forest.

Here are rich history, you can see magnificent palaces and the biggest museums in Europe.

Here the most amazing people you can ever meet. Even if you don't understand russian language - you'll understand their smiles to you:)

You can enjoy AWESOME nature - in Russia you can find everything - from desert to forests, from rivers and lakes to ocean.

Here everything is possible. And if you think that incompatible things can not be mixed - come to Russia - country of contrasts! :)

I'm really proud to be russian and to live here. When I'm walking around the city or travelling, I realize how much I love this country and how deep is its soul. Our people are unique and seem strange very often - discrepant, rebellious, brave, deep, mysterious...

It's all about us. Do you want to know more?

AIESEC internships are only for you! Come to Russia. Come to my city - Chelyabinsk.

www.aiesec.org

Spring recruitment is starting. Emails, promotion, presentations... )

I love recruitments. It makes me think again and again about that happy chance, that life-changing decision which that guys who'll join AIESEC will do. Every recruitment I'm remembering that day when I just came back from my first induction seminar.

That special EB 07-08 and Bora as chair:) who knew that he'll be an MCP?)) walking down the street, on the road there were yellow autumn leaves, I looked at the people and I realized - I fond myself! I was SO inspired! I understood - "it's mine! it's all for me! I was born for that!". I'll never forget that life-changing for me moment.

It felt like I became opened to world, to people, like I opened my eyes and saw what's going on around! I realized how much before that moment I was focused on myself, on my problems and how boring was my life. At one moment everything is changed!

I met him and fell in love at first sight. My AIESEC. I beleive it was destiny! )

And all that guys, who'll come soon, I want very much them to find their way, to fall in love with @, to realize themselves!

It's so important not just to do our job, but keep the thought about future newees in our minds. And on their unduction seminar we'll look in their shining eyes and it'll be the best moment, when each of us will realize - every day, everywhere... keep doing what we do here, in this organization.

Even if you didn't sleep last 2-3 days, even if you was preparing sessions till the morning every day, even if you're SO tired and even can't stand... standing in front of plenary you'll realize - these things are not important. Important is what you're doing for all that people who came here with expectations.

That people are worth all your energy, your nerves, your time.

Before recruitment I'm always in love. I already love our newees, though they didn't come yet:)

This feeling reminds a thurst. It reminds a lack of something. And everyone who seems very active in his life, actually has it. But it's hidden very well. And sometimes people even don't realize that they have it. And in this condition people can do mistakes.

The name of this feeling is emotional emptiness. When you feel lack of something, you even don't realize what is it, but you're trying to fulfill your life till the end - you're trying to make your days full of meetings and activities.

This is what I thought about some years ago when I moved to Che and promised myself - I won't fall in love and the only one thing I'll do - I'll be successful.

But one day you' ll just stop and take a look back. And what you'll see? Maybe you'll find yourself with notebook full of contacts and with few real friends. You'll see great results of your activities. You'll see your super career. You're on the top. You can love your friends, you can love all the people in the world, you can be the best leader and professional.

But one day you realize that it's all just a crap if you don't have person who's waiting for you at home. You're standing in the crowd, but actually you're alone.

Yes, sometimes I'm thinking about it. But I don't want to stop, I want to move forward and who knows, where will I be in 1, 2, 5 years? Life is so fast and unpredictable. And I had moments when I was ready to stop and stay with someone forever. But I realize that now it has no meaning, because it's so hard to find someone who is ready to follow you, who is ready to wait, to overcome distances and challenges. And it all has no meaning because the parting is always so hard and heartbreaking. No serious relationship - no pain and no regrets.

Last days I feel this emptiness especially.

The main thing is not to do mistakes. Especially now.

***

Usually people are waiting for THOSE 3 words. But what to do if you finally hear it.. and suddenly you want to escape? Escape somewhere fucking far-far away, hide under the pillow and not to hear that! It's weird, but it happens every time! Even if I'm in love with someone, at moment when that person tells me these words at 1st time, my first thought is: "Run!!! Run away!".

And I can't do anything with it. I'm afraid very much. I'm afraid to belong, to be dependent - especially emotionally.

This is strange dilemma. And it's much more easier to escape, to laugh, to joke. It's much more easier than to look at his eyes, take his words seriously and say: "Me too".

Maybe it's just not right person. Maybe everything is wrong and too complicated now.

Maybe I just didn't really fall in love for a long time.

I believe - everything in its right place. And everything happens at right moment.

I'm happy now like this.

I'm applying for MC abroad and I'm opened to new horizons and challenges. And I'll get everything when I'm ready for it, really ready.

And even maybe one day I'll be ready to stop and stay forever.

But not now! Great opportunities are waiting for me!

Woohooooo!!!!!

I see statuses of our interns on facebook. Last weekend they almost all came back home. They write emails, put to status "I miss Russia", etc...
Oooh...I understand them. Now they feel the same as me after internship. Me too, I didn't want to be attached to people so much, cause I knew - the leaving is gonna be very heartbreaking. But it's impossible. When you spend 24 hours together, you overcome first challenges together, you work and achieve together, you misunderstand sometimes that culture together..it's just impossible to stay indifferent. You give them small pieces of your heart. And when you're sitting in the airport already in your home-country, you realize - your heart stayed somewhere there, so far-far away...you gave your heart to that people. Someone said: "Your home where your heart is". My home is - world!)
Lately I was thinking about MC life abroad if I'm elected. I imagined. I'll fall in love with that country, I know it. At first, it's Middle East - I love it already. And Cyprus, my Cyprus. Anyway, even if I see each country, this island will be special for me.
Some days ago one girl asked me: "When are you going to come back to Cyprus?". And I didn't answer. What can I say? "I don't know"? Really, I don't know... but as soon as I get a chance, first thing I'll do - I'll book a ticket to Istanbul. First flight. I don't know who is waiting for me in Cyprus, I don't know... Just my soul and my heart are there.
And first thing I'd do in Famagusta - I'll buy "Parliament lights", then catch a taxi and go to Salaamis beach watch the sea. Oh, Mediterranean sea, I MISS U!!!
This small island will be special for me forever. Island of love and happiness. And one day I'll come back to feel this happines again...

I listened to that song. Our song. "Be with you". At first time for last few months I did it. And I cried. After so many time, so many days, after 6 month I cried... I remembered everything. And I even don't know why, I didn't expect reaction like that. I already went through it, I forgot, I lost all my feelings... everything I saved is just tender memories.

I hope it's just nerves, and just this mess.

I just want to hug someone who can support me and protect from everything. Just hug so tight and forget about everything:(

I'm tired of living "I'll do it by myself!" life. Finally, I want to have someone behind me, someone, who'll catch me if I fall. I just want to know that I have right to do mistakes...

I want to have someone safe, who won't betray me.

I'm able to be independent and strong. But I want to have a chance to be weak sometimes, I'm not an iron.

I hope tomorrow I'll forget about all this.

Too long time passed since I deleted someone from all my contact lists.
Now it's your turn, finally.
Goodbyeee!

I'm so happy! I haven't been SO happy for ages! It's true, bright and clear happines. That happiness which brings you a calmness, quietness and just thousand smiles. It's like you're sitting on the empty quiet beach at the time of sunset... you can feel light wind in your hair and last sunshine of the day on your face... you close your eyes, listen to the waves, a little bit smile and realize - this is it - you're fucking happy!
It's like nirvana, like meditation. Just you know that it's impossible to feel something even better! Because you already there, you already feel it - right now! AAAAA! I even can't find suitable words to describe it! Maybe at the moments of real happiness you don't need to speak - just be somewhere near...
My brother's wife is pregnant:) it means, that I'll be an aunt at the 2nd time!
When they said this, I can swear - suddenly I saw a thousand small blue stars around us! At that moment all the world stopped moving and I realized - shit, I'm on heaven.
This is happiness.
I'm moving towards my dreams, my dear people are happy, and I even can't imagine something better...
Tomorrow Ira is going to Izmir. Her dreams are coming true too.
Yes, for sure, I'm TOTALLY HAPPY!
And no one asshole can make me feel worse nowadays!

Watched "Up in the air". So, yes, it's a bit sad movie, but it's true. Sometimes you really feel like a stranger in this life. Sometimes you can say: "What is my life? it's just me. I'm the most faithful person to myself". And thats all.
Basicly what's happening now is very strange. I even don't know why I let it be, why I do it again and again with the same person.
Maybe because of that fact, that I can do anything, ANYTHING, I can be the worst bastard he have ever seen, I can say whatever I want... and I know - this guy is my air bag, he will save me in anytime. Anytime I can call him and say: "You know, I feel terrible. I need to talk to someone". And he will help, he always helps. And he loves me, I know.
ok, enough idealizing. Just I know that it'll lead to nowhere, we have no future. Not official relationship, "emergency exit" for each other, whatever...
He has a girlfriend, I have my point of view. It looks like cheating, hmm... After his job he's hugging me, then he goes home and kiss her. It's a bullshit.
Why? I'm totally fool. I don't love him, I even didn't fall in love, I don't want anything. I just got used to him. Almost 4 years. I love him as a person, as a friend, as a close person. I'm addicted. I just like his attention, his care and his warm to me. I need it.
But why I'm keeping do it if it has no future?

Multinational insight of us

While walking on the street I saw some travel agency and advertisement on its door: "Special course for tourists! Survive abroad!". What does it mean, god damn it?? Of course I understand that its just a way of earning money, but if this thought took a place, then there is something.

Humanity have built SO many walls, so now we need guides like this - "sirviving abroad". Really, are we so far from each other? Even nowadays, at the time of globalization and uniting? Could be...

In my russian blog I wrote a post about the reaction of people around on our interns. And in comments I got the same reaction as I wanted to provoke - agression, jealosy and misunderstanding. I don't know what is it - mentality, or humans nature, but it's always strange.

When you see a person who looks different, it's natural to look at him, cause all people are curious. But agression?..

Russia is a multinational country. More than 180 nationalities lives on its territory. Even in supermarket you can hear not russian language. Not english or some another "international" language, but different.

Russian people often says something like: "Russians are minority population in Russia". And this sentence has negative attitude. Like "Why here are so many emigrants??"

But let's take a look back at the history. Historically, this territory was populated by Eastern Slavic, Finno-Ugric, Balto-Slavic and Turkic tribes. Especially 200 years of Mongol overlordship we should take into consideration. Assimilation and so on. Also Russia is a federation which includes Tatarstan and Bashkortostan Republics, Jewish Autonomous Region, Chukchi Peninsula and etc.

So now it's natural to see in Russia not only people with Slavic appearance, as many foreigners use to think about Russia.

So, for Russians it's VERY strange and actually stupid to say something about "pure nation". We're international country. Just we used to it. People have to understand it more that something else.

Government implementing now a new campaign. Everywhere its posters - on billboards, in public transport, on TV. It says: "Love has many faces"; "friendship has many faces"; "in Russia lives more than 180 nationalities", "citizens of Russia speak more than 250 languages" and so on. And pictures of our nations.

When I saw it at first time I smiled and thought: "FINALLY!!!".

I hope we're moving on the right direction.

It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White

Michael Jackson

Today was confident voting for OCPs in LC. I was looking at them and suddenly faced just one dilemma in my head: what is more important - ability to do something great, I mean enough energy for doing something till the end, enough developed necessary characteristics for being a team leader, enough strong personality, or passion about making impact? I saw some persons, who are quite shy, who are not attending all LC meetings, maybe they even don't know what does it mean - to be a team leader... but somewhy they applied for OCP. They already did the first step. And who knows, maybe this step will lead them to the top? Maybe this decision was very important, serious and challenging for them? Maybe their first "why" was "I want to change the world through changing myself"?

My first reaction was: "Oh no, this project has to do someone more experienced/more communicative/more active and etc.". But then I had a thought that maybe my attitude is too strict? I'm trying not to do mistakes, I'm trying to be perfect in everything, so I'm not giving any right to do mistakes for myself and for others. It's just not acceptable.

But that first brilliant step is so important! That step which is the beginning of the great way. It has to bring positive impression for them who dare to do it.

And maybe sometimes we should trust. We should believe in people and give a hope. We should give a chance for changes, for passion, for striving. When someone says: "I believe in you, you can do it", you really can, because someone's trust is the main motivation.

What if someone is not able physically to go to the companies? Or he is too selfish and probably he'll be a dictator? But what if he can be a good manager and leader for his team?

What if I'm offended to someone, and it's just my personal? I should divide personal and professional. Maybe this person can make a great impact?

What if someone seems too weak for doing long-term project? How can we know this, if we don't let him even try?

On the other hand it's a risk of failure.

You know, who's not taking a risk - is not drinking a champagne (popular wisdom).

Anyway we don't lose anything, we don't lose our money or business. We lose just our numbers, our numerical goals. And sometimes it all really seems some crazy racing - "Who'll get more numbers". But we're not about it. We're about leadership and development. It's AIESEC. One time failure - next time victory. And always experience - good or bad.

And we're about giving a chance, taking risk and facing challenges.

I beleive in the best in people. I beleive in our LCP.

I beleive they can get "Overall success" National Award.

7 guys from India.

2 - from Brazil.

2 - from China.

1 - from Britain.

We're growing and growing! :) Remember the beginning - our term and just 10 members in LC including EB. At the end of term - 38, 4 first incoming X for last 2 years and 1 incoming international CEEDer. Now our LC is 50 members. Now they're not afraid to speak English anymore. They're exploring new cultures.

Now I'm really proud of our successors. Of course, still our LC is not so healthy, but numbers are increasing. It's just question of time and good next EB. Who will apply? Who will lead?

Day by day I'm learning new facts and gossips about elections and I want to beleive that guys who will apply and who'll be elected, they will do their best. Our LC is the common treasure that we have:)

When you're going shopping with internationals, going to the club and wake up all together, when they call you, when people on the street staring at you and asking questions - all that makes me proud and happy.

When you have a meeting with your past team and we're sharing news - Olya - about MC life in Croatia, Ksu - about project in Moscow, Dana - about trip to India, me - about future plans, Ira - about Cyprus, Dinar - about LCP term, my feelings are incredible!

I'm so happy that our lifes are different from lifes of thousand another students. This is AIESEC. This is the life we're living all together.

That small signs at one moment changed everything completely! Everything was changed at one day.

Now I'm filling up this application. Really, any application make you think and evaluate yourself. If you can go till the end - you really can do it. Without any doubts and fears.

It's time to leave all the fears behind. Without trying I won't even know - if I could do it or not. I beleive I can. And now is th best moment for it - I'm sure of myself, I can objectively think and analyse everything about AIESEC and I feel that now I can contribute my experience to growth. Once we did breakthrough. I'm ready for changes.

New emotions and new wave of my life. I feel alive, really allive now! At one moment I realized that AIESEC is what makes me happy, what makes my eyes shine. And it's too early to quit. I didn't do that impact that I can do. Impact! This is the key.

Leadership

Positive changes

Impact

I fond my old pictures from Oz. Oh God, it was crazy time! So many things were changed since I left that town. My high school, 1st and probably even 2nd course of university I spent hanging out with musicians and other freaks of my home-town. A kind of bohemian society. Clubs, drinks and live music. Torn jeans and sneakers. Unimaginable hair colours. And taste for breaking rules and provocations. We knew all the most fresh music-styles. We were so depressive teenagers. Some of that guys moved to Moscow and St.Petersburg.

And now I'm looking at that pictures and some of them are still the same. They can be 20, 23, 25, but they still wear torn jeans and keep guitar in their hands.

And I'm asking - what is that? Probably they have talent, but most of them just keep this life-style cause they have nothing else to do, or they just imitate someone. But not all of them are real. They seem to set at the same age, still 17 or 18.

Just 3-4 years passed, but now I'm remembering all that time and it seems like the whole life changed.

But I love that age. And maybe I didn't change completely - I still love torn jeans and sneakers. And many other things. And things I don't want to lose - are that rebellious spirit, ability to dream big and to be ambitious.

We change, we move forward and grow up, but sometimes it's good to save good moments in our memory and good characteristics in ourselves.