If you're confused I can tell one good way to sort out really important things and so-so things.

Write down for 1 minute all words come into your mind, for example:

-people you surrounded with

-goals

-events and etc.

Then read what did you write. Unimportant things won't be in your list, cause you simply forgot to wright them. If you forgot, it means it's so not important.

Don't block up your ming with trash.

While reading livejournal of Yulia Razumova I remembered my last days of internship. I wanted to add at least one more week, but what would it change? I just wanted to have a little bit more time for doing some things. I was afraid that I missed something. When we have no time anymore, suddenly we find out that we didn't do lots of things. If I would be smarter, I would hug dear people more often, I would tell them how much I love them and how they're great. But this is a good reason for striving to meet them again, right?

And this question which still has no answer: "How will you live in Russia after everything?".

Here is white snow and orange sky at night. Here is cold wind. It's so strange feeling and I can't explain it properly, but I don't feel myself here. I don't feel myself alive. It's like everything is just a dream, I'm just sleeping and waiting for a moment to wake up.

Different characteristics of person come out only in conditions, different from your usual life-style and make you think.

In our LC now is about 10 interns. International spirit. I should be happy about these results, we've never experienced something like this before in LC, but I'm not. Maybe because I don't feel my involvement in realization of these TNs or something. They're friendly and smiling like all interns and foreigners. Of course, come on ya, you're in another country, you have to be friendly.

EB elections will be in february-march. What should I do I even don't know. I need a good mentor. I need someone's advice. I need someone very smart and wise. Person who can help and force.

If I won't do something I'll apply for alumni. But it's not what I want to do so soon:(

Sometimes I think: "Damn, I'll be an alumni and thats all". But then I realize that it's not so easy.

2 years, every day. AIESEC changed everything in my life - environment, friends, goals, dreams, worldview over and above all these travellings.

Could I ever dream about it? NO NO and NO! Never!!! I even could't dream about all that I experienced!

When I was 16 I set sertain goals:

- apply for scholarship in uni for free education - I got it

- enter to the 2nd faculty for a translator - I did it

- after 3rd course go abroad (London) for practicing english - not London, but Cyprus 2 times.

- on the 4th course get a gob in company where I wanna build future career - I changed my mind

- stay in Che for a constant living, make a career (probably as auditor) and be sucessful. - I changed my mind.

I wanted to work in government service, wear this blue uniform of government employee and be soooo serious.

So what now? Now I know what means dream big and think differently. I rejected all I wanted at that age. Values were changed, goals and everything!

When I was 16 I even couldn't imagine what will I think about when I'm 20. I'd say that it's impossible and I'm insane. But no.

And after all that how can I leave AIESEC so easily? My life gravitates around it.

Time of elections is coming and the pressure is getting bigger and bigger.

Drama drama drama.

Totals of the year 2009

So, it's time for self-reflection about last year.
I don't know from what should I start. Maybe from the beginning:)

Country of the year - Turkey and N.Cyprus
City of the year - Istanbul
Decision of the year - not to apply for LCP 09-10
Team of the year - our trouble-4 - Olya, me, Maarja-Liis, Oriana
Motto of the year - Never give up
The best people of the year - mom and Ira
The worst people of the year - O. and E.
Happiness of the year - love
Disappointment of the year - Che LC members
Life-style of the year - schizophrenic
Discovery of the year - I'm able to find understanding with ANY person!
Feeling of the year - synergy, when 1+1=3
Surprise of the year - buying an apartment in Che
Song of the year - Natalie Imbruglia - "Counting down the days"
Condition of the year - missing and waiting
Challenge of the year - changing myself in a better way
Place of the year - airports; beach
Resourse of the year - internet and mobile
Meeting of the year - LC EM, all interns in Che and in Cyprus, Cyprus people (total it's more than 16 countries, more than 150 people)
Mania of the year - scarfs and earrings!
Mistake of the year - falling in love
Schock of the year - death of Patrick Swayse and Michael Jackson
Meal of the year - ice-cream
Sound of the year - sound of incoming sms

Smell of the year - perfume "Gucci II" by Gucci
Innovation of the year - Laboratoria))))
Revolution of the year - relationship with our group in uni
Drink of the year - martiny; ayran; fresh orange juice
Language of the year - english and turkish
Phrase of te year - "brain explosion" and "come on yaaa!"
Clothes of the year - jeans, grey jacket and folk scarf
Extreme of the year - being alone abroad
Experience of the year - being a teacher in English Prep. School:)
Travelling of the year - Che-Moscow-Istanbul-Cyprus. 3 planes in 1 day - is too much! Never do that! Total - 10 planes in a year
Book of the year - biography of Salvador Dali
Landscape of the year - sea+mountains
Funny moment of the year - explaining to foreigners who is Cheburaska:)
Nirvana of the year - watching sunrises and shooting stars
Loss of the year - grandma
Value of the year - my family; health
Dream of the year - to find a million dollars:)
Problem of year - uni and money
Gift of the year - little kitten for birthday:)
Dream come true of the year - aya Sofia in Istanbul
Writer of the year - Frederic Beigbeder
Movie of the year -He's just not that into you
Parting of the year - with E.
Role model of the year - Ksu
Conclusion of the year - self-sufficiency

It was the shortest year in my life, the most awesome... The only one thought went through the whole year - thought about Cyprus: all the time, every day. Thats why every point related with it)
I want to thank all the people who I met, who was with me. It was hard year, interesting, bright and full. Thanks for support and understanding.
I love everyone who stayed with me, in my heart, in my mind.

Special thanks to:
- @ EM - for making my year like this - cool! Especially to EB 09-10
- Ugur - for friendship
- Ira of course! - for support, for being together every day) for Laboratoria)))
- female part of my EB 08-09 - for not loosing connection
- my family - always and everywhere
- Oriana - for being role model
- Alex Podolsky - for our crazy trio:)
- Saif - for making me feel better

Happy New Year guys! And don't forget to make a wish at 00.00 ;)

I don't wear warm gloves, I just don't like gloves.
Sometimes I'm going out without hat in -15. I want to feel freedom.
And I'm sick again.
I realized that I'm done. I'm totally tired and empty. I realized that it's time to do something. Why? In bathroom I looked down and saw the sea on the floor. The water from tap was flowing right on the floor. I didn't notice that. I suppose my neighbours were happy.
I miss sun:(((
Some things about f*cking winter and -25 degrees:
1. To walk on the snow and ice on high-heels - is a killing activity actually. But russian women can do it. And even run if you're late.
2. Frozen face - it's terrible. You just feel like you don't have face.
3. Using mascara in a windy-snowy day - it's a danger for society. You can look at the mirror and see panda.
3. I hate fur coats. Probably I'll wear it only when I'll be 40 years old woman.
4. Winter - is a perfect season to quit smoking: smoking in -25 doesn't bring you any pleasure.
5. After -25 the weather with -10 degrees is a paradise, it's Cyprus, it's better than sex.
6. I suppose our poor interns completely shocked. But it's a unique experience)
7. Today my father with his friends went to hunt for a bear. REAL BEAR YAAA! Big, brown, sleeping, angry wild BEAR! In a forest in mountains!!!! Btw hunting is just a fun for russian men. But I don't understand it.
This is Russia. Come and enjoy!

P.S.: Famous stereotype: "In Russia bears are freely walking on the streets and Red Square". In winter bears don't walk on the streets - they're sleeping at their lair since november to march :) And actually they live in deep-deep forest))

5 days before New Year. Before sleeping I close my eyes and vizualising a miracle. In New Year everything is possible - I know!
Just believe till the end.

Now I'm reading a book of turkish writer who lives in Istanbul - Orhan Pamuk "The museum of innocence". And it's amazing - lots of interesting for me details, features of that time and culture. Things I don't understand, but I'm trying. Things I already know and maybe experienced something. Sometimes I feel like I'm somewhere on these pages.
I'm reading - and I'm there - in Istanbul - crowded, bright, different, sunny and full of love. It's awesome how he describes details - smells, colours, sounds, faces. And of course this culture which I want to understand - what makes that people act like this? Why they're like that? Why they think differently and have different priorities, values and point of view about society?
Books are developing imagination, feelings, memory and critical point of view. I love books and films which make think.
December. At New Year time everyone is waiting for a miracle and has that special mood when you're looking up at the falling snow and you know: "Everything will be fine". By the way the best New Year films for me are "Serendipity" (yes, I believe in destiny) and already classical "Love actually".
Last time it was snowing about 3-4 weeks ago. I'm waiting for falling snow. Then I'll take a cup of hot choсolate, watch my "new year movies" and be sure: "Everything will be fine".

Enjoying the thought that everything is so nice) no hurry, no responsibilities, no pain. Everything in its right place. Who are we to each other? I don't know. But I won't force things, just what happens is happens.

It's too cold outside for going somewhere. I just wanna be at home, sit with warm blanket and look at the falling snow. But the sky is so greedy even for snow. Shit:(

I wanna recover faster. I stopped taking medicine and my temperature is still on the same point. Then what's the meaning of pills? It's even doesn't help. I decided that it's not flu or something, it's just nervous.

Magic thing in my life: I have fever. I send or receive messages. My mood becoming better. After that I have normal temperature. Then again fever. HOW???

New Year. I wanna real magic. I wanna surprise... I wanna be not here.

Honestly, every time I'm waiting for New Year just for making a wish in a midnight, cause all that I wish comes true always:) What should Iwish in this time? Hmm... lots of things!!!)))

Waiting for a miracle :) (feeling like I'm 10 years old hehe)

About past

I haven't watched old pictures on my laptop for ages. I bought my laptop 1 year ago. And now it seems like it keeps all my life. So many memories, pictures, messages! Different, from different people, good or bad...

Yesterday I saw one pictures by chance. Sometimes it's better just to let someone go. Don't disturb anymore, don't call, don't send messages, delete from your life and forget. That time it was bad idea to listen somebody's advice, I'm glad now that I just listened to my intuition and didn't do that. I let go. I remembered everyone. For what sometimes we're trying to catch someone who doesn't belong to us anymore? And never belonged. If someone doesn't make you happy anymore or you make him unhappy - just set him free. What I did.

1 year. It seems, I lived the whole life for this period. People, faces, feelings, huge mistakes and endless happiness.

As said Chuck Palahniuk, Almost all the time, you tell yourself you're loving somebody when you're just using them. This only looks like love.

Now everybody seems happy. One day I let them go and now they're happy. It means everything was right.

Monday morning bus to Che. Rainy mood. I want to see rain, but there is nothing, even no snow... So hard to be somewhere out. I just want to be at home and nowhere else.

Since Saturday my favourite meal consists of antibiotic pills and sedatives. Mom tells it’s all because of schock and I believe that popular wisdom which tells: “Any ailments are because of nerves”. But it’s ok, I just have to accept everything what happened. And don't blame myself, because it wasn't my fault. Everything what I can do now is to keep good memories and love. Life and death are walking together.

After recent events I realized - there is no words "one day I will" or "tomorrow". Only "right here, right now". Life is so short and unpredictable! And unfair. I don't want to lose every single moment.

Watched Oriana's video for MCP, she's great, really great and she deserves this position. I'm really proud of my working with her, she is a person to whose level I wanted to grow up. I love you very much, my dear Orianochka! And believe in you! And I still miss, I fucking miss this country, Istanbul and my emerald island! But the main factor is people. No matter where, no matter when, matters WHO.

3 months. 2nd winter day. And I'm such a fool. Sick, sad, stupid.

Russia is also famous by russian painters, literature, composers... I love our poets, especially Vladimir Mayakovsky and Anna Akhmatova. I love depressive Dostoevsky and romantic and realistic painters. I love spirit of fighters which exist in russian literature of "Silver century" - beginning of XX cent. Shocking Alexander Soljenicyn, psychodelic Mikhail Bulgakov and others... hard 90s and famous words "changes! we're waiting for changes" of Viktor Tcoy. That rebellious spirit which grown up my generation. 90s became a middle-step between USSR and Russan Federation. That old men in government, who are so old that even can't talk properly, they ruled our country for years! And now - era of young, progressive people who are ready for changes and do it every moment. Generation of leaders.
If 15 years ago you could be arrested for your "too honest" words, articles or songs about government style of ruling, but today we have total freedom of opinion. Anyone can say anything, write anything, sing anything or organize meetings in the city-centres. It's not an anarchy, it's just a freedom which we were waiting for years and years. There is no common opinion anymore, we're growing "cult of individuality".
But there is another side of new time. Literature also reflects all these changes and people's mood. But I don't see really great modern writers, musicians or poets, whose words would make think. There is only copying of America and Europe, only blond hair everywhere a-la Paris Hilton, short skirts, imitation of Hollywood stars and life goal - "to be rich and famous". Stupid blonds are everywhere. There is no any wisdom, uniqueness, there is no message. Looks like there is no brains in people's heads. People are empty.
Of course, maybe after 100 years our culture will be described in school books with all its features, but the situation which I see today makes me sad.
Earlier it was "cold war" and "iron curtain" between USSR and USA. It was just about 20-30 years ago. It was forbidden even to say or to know something about them. But today we're taking their culture and implementing it to our culture, mixing up everything too much. As much as we're losing our own face and becoming someone else.
Maybe thats why I love Turkey, bacause we're trying to forget all our history and traditions, but they're trying to save it. This is a real brightness and colourness of country. They take something from West, but also properly save everything they have in their culture. Even in literature southern writers don't try to be like europeans, they're trying to explain all the differences and make West just accept their mentality.
West can't understand East. Russia with its mentality is a Eastern country. Without any preparation we just took everything we saw in West. We're not ready but we took it, thats why now our society looks ugly. Europe and USA got all that they have step by step, it took years and years... But we want to do the same, but sooo fastly. Our development degree and our wishes don't match.
Why we want to be like someone else? Why we don't want to save our own uniqueness? Or maybe it's just globalization? Question is still opened.

I had lots of questions in my mind, and today I fond some answers for everything. Total revaluation of values happened in my head.
Just I don't know what can fill up this emptiness? I faced situation like this ar first time. It's like you can't find things to do, place to sit...you can't sleep, can't eat, can't think..
Oh God, thanks for my family and that we're all together. They're the most valuable thing I have.

Nobody expected that something terrible can happen. Last time I felt shock like this 6 years ago. It's when you're walking on the street, but you just don't understand anything... you look around and don't understand, why there are so many people? where they're going? why?... they discuss something, think that they have real problems...but everything is so stupid. Some events make us think about meaning and valuety of life. Fuck((( you're shocked and you don't understand anything, you can't realize the situation... the only one thought was in my mind that morning: "Everything is not important, doesn't matter, it's just a bullshit". Everything except our life as a fact. We're alive!
I don't know how can I describe everything I'm feeling right now.. shock, scare, shivering... and I'm afraid of tomorrow((
it's so terrible - nobody remembers a person with good memories, good words... almost everybody just think not about a person, they think: "Well, how much money do we have right now?".
I came here today and I want everything to be finished as soon as possible! It's a nightmare! I don't believe it happened!!! It CAN NOT BE!
My dear grandma, you'll be in my heart and I'll love you anyway. I'm glad that you don't see what's going on here now( cause it's a real hell.

Oh God, I wish everyone just one thing - love and appreciate your life and love your close people. And let them know that you love them, it's very important - to know...(

Yesterday awful accident happened... I knew that a lot of people died, but one detail which I learned just today in the morning shocked me.
After this I believe in God, really. And I can't relax, my hands are still shivering and I just can't say anything...
I'm just shocked! I wanna hug someone who can support me and say: "everything will be fine, don't worry".
:(((

Everything I want - is just to be indifferent to everything-everything!
I want my f*cking headache to stop.
I want to sit on the window of 30th floor and listen to music, like Scarlett Johansson in "Lost in translation". I wanna go to rainy Tokio.
Again I'm listening to a bit depressive and thoughtful "Death Cab For Cutie" and their "Your heart is an empty room".
Byt he way their "Transatlanticism" is the best rainy song EVER! When I'm listening to it, I see raindrops on the window glass...
Oh God, I need to come back to Che...
Only big cup of "Nesquik" can make me feel better.

Today was day of my inspiration - I spent 5 hours (!!!) in the kitchen cooking and exploring meals! My brother came to Ozersk today for operational meeting and then he came to visit us) he saw all that I did, laughed and said: "What happened??"))) And of course it was pleasant for me to see my parents' faces when they came home.
The main point is an inspiration and desire. Food is the same thing as paints, pastel or pencil. Cooking - is an art. With all this even I can be good as woman)
I'm trying to be better and better.
Days without alcohol - about 70.
Days without meat - 28.
Days without cigarettes - 5.

Things to do:
-Stop drinking coffee.
-Keep away from smoking.
-Use only healthy products.

Now I feel good, cause my life seemed to find a new meaning. I got motivation for doing real actions. I know what I really want.
I'm calm, not nervous. I even almost feel happy. I don't think about details and don't concentrate on single words. I focus on general things and events. Past, present and future. I'm in love with my own life.
And now I know one thing exactly - it's not the end.

Commercial movie of Apple "Think different". I love it, because it's forcing to think, to move forward, to forget about all that things which we used to call "troubles". Just live your idea, live your dream.
While I'm at home, I'm watching National Geographic channel all the time. And I asked myself.
Why do we know that Earth is a sphere?
Why we can see the stars?
Why do we know what is going on on the moon?
Because great people who followed their idea did all these discoveries not because they wanted to discover something, but because they just did what they love.
In AIESEC we used to say: "You can! Face this challenge! Impossible is nothing!". We used to read useful books about self-development, we set "smart"-goals... we're growing up ourselves with these ideas. And it's really great, because we're sure - there is no any borders - political, social, personal, religious, national... AIESEC is an organization who grows up a new generation of people - people who don't know what means "I can't".
My LC set a goal to make 20 incoming exchanges till 1st of january. At the beginning I didn't believe, but they matched 9 TNs for 1 week. I'm proud)
I set a goal to make my dream true.
What? Challenge? Of course I can! Thanks AIESEC-style of thinking :)

Few hours I was watching old photos - my family since beginning of XX century. Grand-grand-parents, grand parents, just my mom and dad and we :) and a lot of other relatives. The whole crowd)
That old black-and-white pictures are so beautiful, it's real art. Not like modern photos. That ones are so natural, sincer...people at them are happy! When you look at them it seems like it were "happy times" for our country and for family. Time of USSR. That old photos are special - I think nowadays photographers will never be able to take pictures like that.
The whole evening I was scanning some pictures, I want to have them on my laptop.
It's like a miracle - realization that without all that people who lived about 100 years ago you wouldn't be here right now. People whom you even don't know and have never seen. People in strange clothes, strange places you've never been... But it's my history)
We have pictures which were taken even before the Revolution - it means end of XIX-beginning of XX century.
All that people lived, fell in love, participated in wars and revolutions, changed places of their living... and the result - me!!! In the middle of nowhere in 2009 year :)
It's amazing!

Disappointment of the day - National Geographic stopped showing "Taboos". Shit yaa! I was waiting for it the whole day - moment when I come home and can watch it! Blya.
People in safety masks are everywhere. This is a modern plague - we're killing ouselves through self-suggestion "OMG!! It's a swine flu, SWINE FLU!!". I think everything is only in our minds - if you think "Ooh, I'm so afraid to get sick" - you'll be sick finally; if you think "I'm happy and healthy" - you'll be.
Question of the day - WHY? my thoughts are materializing. But not for me. For other people and who ABSOLUTELY don't need it!!!
Feeling of the day - confidence.

Absolutely free day, just for myself. The whole day is a self-reflection about everything - past, present, future... My friends for today are piece of paper, pen and pastel. It's easier and more effective to imagine, visualize and draw things, than just to think about it.

A lot of reflection about AIESEC. Who am I now? I have full @ XP, but not alumni, I don't want to be an alumni yet. When I couldn't go to our local conference and facilitate there because of some external conditions, my mom said: "Calm down, they don't need you. Your time has passed". At that moment I was full of indignation. And understood - they'll never understand it. That AIESEC isn't an ordinary student club, that it isn't "just for fun", and it isn't for a couple months... AIESEC - is a half of life, you share your soul with things you do there, with all that people... it's more than just "one more stage during studentship". I'm thinking about plans for next term - what will I do? what will be my role? where will I be? what do I really want? and what I'm able to do for it?

And maybe all that values given us by society are wrong? That standart plan which I hate... The thing is that everytime you have to be responsible, and not just for yourself, but also for people who cares about you - at first your family and their expectations from you. My parents said: "When we'll see diploma of higher education in your hands we'll be unworried". And this is my responsibility - to study right here and right now. But of course your family always expects that you'll be so "good daughter", that you'll do everything as they teached you, as they expect from you. That you won't make them worry about you. But at the same time I have to say big "Thank you" to my family, because they support my ideas (almost all of them) if I say: "I'll be happy if I do that, it'll be better for me" and if my idea is real and won't bring any harm. This is true love. It's not egoism, it's love, they love me and respect my words.

And thanks God nowadays I don't have certain intentions. I have a lot of them, but still can't choose right. In other case I'd give up everything here and I could go to the end of Earth for my goals and dreams...

One thing definetely I know - is that my summer exams will be finished at the end of May-beginning of June. And I have to do my practice in some company before it. In that case I can be free from June till September. I want to do something with these 3 summer months :)

***

Movie "Memoirs of geisha" is great! All that 2 hours I was watching it without any break! Very beautiful, with deep meaning and philosophy... about striving, will, nobility, self-sacrificingness, dream and love. And it made me compare woman's role at that time there and nowadays - and image of today's woman isn't really attractive. I'd learn how to be like them - how to be an actress) Because the true wise woman is an actress, but not all women can do it. Any woman is a spring flower.

And one more thing I thought about during this film - is about my sister. I'll die if somebody tell me: "You won't see her anymore".

Take your mobile, call your family, hear their voices and value them. Right here, right now.

My university is in quarantine till 23 of November.

I did semester project about federal taxation for 3 days. Hard days are coming, session is coming.

Today was meeting with Dana) I had just 1 hour for spending time with her, but we enjoyed it very much! We were at coffee-house, at my favourite place in this city!) We had not so much time, but discussed everything))) I'm so happy to see someone who're enjoying his job and everything he does, because it's a mission of his life) and Dana is so happy! She'll go to India in January with her boyfriend for about 1 month! 1 year of work in EB made us good friends with her - she is a person with whom I can discuss emotions, feelings, meaning of life...she's my soulmate)

Then with Natasha we went to Tanya's house. After her yesterday call we decided: she needs an urgent meeting with us. Sometimes there is situation when you're totally confused, you think: "I have to cut it from my life", but you can't and you need help. Lots of help. This meeting was really hard and emotional... We all are worrying about Tanya and I'm still thinking about all this situation. Everything is always so complicated... Main point for me from this - if something (someone) stopped bring you a happiness and became a habit and routine - run!!! If you're not happy anymore and just cry all the time - give it up and run! Even if it's painful, fuck it, just say "goodbye" and live your life.

Today I realized that the "real life" isn't coming, it already came! Today Natasha bought vitamins, she's preparing for pregnancy. She want a baby so much! omg!!! very-very soon I hope she'll say: "I'm pregnant!". And who knows, maybe after 1 year we'll go for a walk with her and her little baby :) really... I can't believe it! I remember her wedding like it was yesterday! Today I understood - she is the most wise woman I know! She is just 21, but really... She's so ready for real family, for being a mom, her point of view about everything is so wise... and all her words today when we were with Tanya just proved it.

New life is coming soon... Natasha is preparing for maternity, Tanya is ready to finish this outdated relationship and start a new life from nothing, Sasha is enjoying her relationship and gonna move to London for carreer (actually I don't think she'll go, I'm sure she'll stay for her guy and marry him). And me. For getting married, for having a family you should be a very brave person. To do it means to dare, to trust, not to be afraid... I'm not so brave, and nearest 5 years I won't be, I'm sure. I'll be somewhere looking for new challenges, but not sitting with husband and with baby on my arm)

My dear girls... I want them to be happy and with lots of joy I'll share their happiness:)

I've lived a chapter called "my perfect life". I'm tired of memories, of constant comparing my life "before" and "after". So many stories, so strong emotions, so emotional impulses... all kinds of emotions - from hateness to unbearable happiness and readiness to stay forever... it was my brightest year.

How long one person like me can stand this condition? Missing, waiting, communications with dear people through miles... 1 year is enough, I can't anymore. I have to change something, I have to switch over to something else, no matter what.

My dear island which is always emerald for me, island of love... I'll always save you in my heart, remember your purple waves, amazing sunrises and deep blue sky. There is no place on Earth which I'll love more than you ever. Because you're special for me, and always will be. Even if I'll never come back. Especially if I won't.

Though I can't delete all that memories, I can make it my ancient history, keep it somewhere far-far away and remember just sometimes.

I'll try to treat myself for this addiction.

Today wonderful snow was falling. White and pure. A lot of snow. And it won't melt anymore.

Unfortunately people are not like this snow. No one, NO ONE.

You know me even better than you know yourself. We know each other more than 3 years. You told that I'm selfish. Yes, I am. For you I always will be selfish. You know me too good. I was "too myself" with you. You know how you can hurt me. And you did it. So thank you. Almost 2 years I could do with you whatever I wanted and I could get from you anything I want. But I didn't. I didn't want to take all that presents you gave me, you know it...You was mine, but I wasn't with you. Then finally I gave up and even a little bit fell in love with you. We broke up 1 year ago. Even our friendship was finished 1 month ago. We don't talk anymore. And this time I hope will be the last one. I hope finally our story is over. After this thing that you did - you're son of a bitch, and you know it.

And fuck off, bastard!

Rule #1: People are the most dangerous entity. Everybody are dangerous. Just we should know rules of behaviour which we can use with each other. It's like with poisonous animals - we can take it in our hands and make them our pet, just we should know HOW.

Rule #2: Don't trust. What? Love? Fuck love! I said DON'T TRUST!

"So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions."

movie "He's just not that into you"

Really, why do we always think that if he behaves like a bastard - he likes you?
The man who really likes you will do everything to win you.

-Why he's not calling me?
-Just because he didn't like you. It's simple.

Everytime actual "Sex and the city"

Even if any rule has an exception, it is better not to waste your time for thinking that you are THAT ONE exception.

Spontaneous going to the cinema)) "Let's go to the cinema?". Just like this. Ira and Sasha persuaded me to go to this fucking meat chopper-film "Saw VI". Fuuuck yaa! I don't watch these movies cause I know - I won't sleep after it! But we bought tickets and went)) We were watching it in a front row!!! At lots of moments I just closed my eyes with hands) It's so cool when you can devote time just to friends. Any relationship is a work and without support they will slowly die. Sometimes you think: "Oh no, I'm so tired, I won't go for a walk with somebody". You think - this friendship is so old and nothing serious happen if you won't meet with your friend. But small rejections like this are invisible destructors - they destroy friendship, relationship like a wind destroys the Pyramids - very slowly. And I do like this very often, unfortunately... when I come to my hometown, sometimes I even don't tell somebody that I came, because I want to spend my time with family and don't want to "waste" time with friends, cause usually my visits home is just a couple days, so little time... But yes, I'm not right. If for example we call and meet our boyfriend/girlfriend every day, so why friends are worse? ANY relationship is a great daily work.

***

Yesterday Tanya came and we were drinking coffee, sharing news, discussing everything... I didn't see her since I went to Cyprus - so about 4 months!! It's the longest period of parting since our meeting! I was so glad to see this smiling girl with long shiny hair and big black eyes with whom I've been living for 3 years:) We were like real grown-upped friends discussing a "big life" - relationship, job, tiredness, Moscow, common friends, problems, plans, future kids, married friends... And I thought: "Time is so fast so it seems that I even don't have enough time to finish my cup of coffee".

***

Listening to "Stateless"-U2, wrapping myself warm in blanket and drinking coffee. I don't drink alcohol and don't eat meat, but the only 2 things I can't reject for a while - are cigarettes and coffee. But I'm on the way!)

A little bit sad. Memories don't let me sleep properly. And missing. I miss Oriana, Ugur, Saif, Samet... I miss absolutely everybody who was this summer with me, but these people became really close persons to me...

I miss Oriana's energy, professionalism, her laugh, her BROWNIES!!!))) hahah)) I told about her my LC and said: "Thats a real AIESECer!". Of course our "trouble-4"))) I wish I go to New York for Cristmas...

I miss Ugur, his jokes, his "hey, why didn't you bring me Baltika-3 from Russia, hah??", miss walkings, conversations about everything and his "You're maniac!!!"...

I miss Saif and sitting in front of dorm till sunrise) miss that jokes and that times, riddles and his "hey, man!!!" with this accent:))) Our adventures) So great my last days there!

Miss Samet and his "Hi canim" with this special face, my little brother, so funny when he's drunk:))I'm saving his earring he gave me before my bus to the airport.

I'm saving all the things I brought from Cyprus and look at them, read them from time to time. Things of memories are everywhere - on my hands, on my fingers, in my ears, on my wall, on my bag, in my bag, on my neck, everywhere! I didn't take off 2 necklaces from Ugur and Saif and they are still on my neck.

It's really hard not to think about it, not to remember it every moment or even forget... 2 months passed since my leaving Cyprus, but I still cry. I even can't imagine what should be happen to make me forget Cyprus and all that people. This time is much more worse, than I came back from Cyprus in February... I miss more, much more!!! Really, I didn't expect that.

In this point I'm finally lucky - I fond my geographical place from first attempt.

Film "vicky cristina barselona". People wear big cities like business suits in the morning, but express their real emotions only in vacation in relaxing atmosphere, in unusual conditions... And very often this experience changes the whole their life. Why?

Wanna international experience. It's my drug. Here is Tracie, but she came to study russian and she already speaks russian very well... she is already not foreigner for me :) So even with her I can't feel that magical spirit and atmosphere.

I'd go for internship somewhere again! Today I imagined situation - what if I find on the street 1,000,000 rub, what would I do? And one of the firsts points was "I'd go to Cyprus right tomorrow".

Our LC suddenly set goal to realize 21 X till 1st of January. Hahaha. No, it's not that I don't support them, I do. But I don't believe. They realized just 1 incoming exchange by themselves from the beginning of term, and they want to do 21 now??? No-no. It's not their nature and spirit.

Manana said on LC meeting: "Imagine you meet New Year in a company with 21 international interns!". I remembered my summer with more than 21 foreigners and thought: "No, they can't imagine it".

Oh God, send me 1,000,000 rub from heaven yaaaa!!!!!! And I sware next day evening I'll be in Cyprus!!!!

Today Ira came back from conference. When I saw her in the morning, suddenly I realized how much I missed her, how strong is our connection and how much I felt this "lack of Ira" this week.

Our MC VP ER, our coach Manana finally came to visit our LC) That words which did she say on our LC meeting made me to look at our LC in a new way. Yes, I know that my term 08-09 was the best, we achieved ambitious goals, we got 2 national awards... and also I know that this term 09-10 they don't make any growth, even any sustainability... for them managing LC is a kind of fun and they are still that kids in kindergarden. That was a right reason why before elections I didn't send my LCP application, and I don't regret. Because the team you work with is a very important factor.

I don't want to be an alumni yet. I want to make great changes for our LC, I want to be an LCP or in MC abroad. And today seriously I thought about it again. But there is too many things why I can't do it just because of some conditions. Sometimes our "I want" don't match with our "I can":(

I came to dorm and with Sasha we watched a movie "The stroll". We started to watch it because the action is in St.Petersburg and both of us love this city too much!!) But I liked this film a lot! Then we were talking and talking for 3,5 hours... we discussed our relations, our friendship, at 1 a.m. we called Tanya and decided to meet tomorrow)) I love my dorm girls) It's a special life and I want to enjoy every moment of it. We discussed everything - personal, men, women, goals for life, memories... To talk the whole evening, to drink coffee with cigarettes... I like these special for me moments. Moments of emotional closeness. Warm and comfortable. There are not too much people with whom I can talk like this, open my soul and trust...

We talked about lots of things...

Love at first sight exists, real men who make first steps first exist, signs of destiny exist. And honest relationship without any tips and tricks also exist.

And I realized - all my haughty opinions and words to people who can't live without and depends on their "special someones", are going to be married or just dreaming about marriage - all these words for nothing! And for nothing I gibe at them and tell that "cooking dinners are coming soon", "in a wink you'll become a wife in a dressing gown" and etc. Maybe all this is THAT ONE actual love when you already don't want to go to the end of Earth, you don't want to rush and you're ready to sacrifice all your dreams or goals for this love? You're ready to sacrifice yourself for staying with that "special one", for "Mr.Big", and everything what do you want is just to dress up "dressing gown" and to go to cook dinners?

Maybe I just didn't feel it yet. And concessions, and waive your interests for someone... and meanwhile don't consider your "woman rights" as pinched?

Maybe all these things is a real love which I didn't experence yet?

Anyway it can happen with anyone of us) one day.

Little discoveries which make me review all my opinions are amazing every time. And at the same time they make me think: "omg! Maybe it's just ME? Maybe just I'm yielding?"

And one more conclusion we made today is that more stable relationship begin not with "random hot look" taken at someone, but at first with realization of emotional connection and dependence on this person.

Today was a definetely good day.

Maybe it's just a short-term weakness related with all these questions in my head. Maybe it's just a hard time. And I just need support.

Oh God, I hope I'll never never never be like thousand others whose life-style I always despised.

I hope my ambitions didn't die.

One day everything will be fine. One day...

This weekend passed with 2 subjects I was thinking about:

-family and dear people

-my own destination

Yesterday was totally useless day. I didn't oversleep 2 lessons of HR management. This woman who is teaching us makes me sick. Thanks AIESEC - I can tell our group about HR much more better than she does! So during these lessons I was reading book about Salvador Dali.

It was cold and foggy, but I wanted to walk a little, so I went to Arbat, visited all the book-stores there and in one of them security-guy came to me and said: "Excuse me, do you have book in your bag?". I said: "It's only mine. Don't touch, it's Salvador Dali!". I'll never forget his face)))hahaha))

And then when I came home for about 3-4 hours we were watching with Natasha movies which fucked our brains)) One of them is russian film "The return" which took an award on the Cinema Festival in Cannes. I was shocked. And others were about alternative history, about ancient treasures of East. OMG!!! These facts they were talking about there, it exploded all my previous views and everything what I knew before!

"Aha"-moment of the day: Yes, yes, I liiike it!

At the end of the day I remembered Cyprus and there were too much emotions...

Sunday.

Point of the day - don't be an egoist.

Feeling of the day - guilt. My brother with his wife and daughter came to Che today. And I didn't spend enough time with my niece( When they were going back home she was upset and almost cried that I couldn't go with them. My little girl, my darling princess... why I didn't come there earlier for having more time with her? Though I knew that she's missing me very much and waiting for me every time... And she is just a child.

At the same time, happiness of the day - my niece) since we met today we didn't set our hands free and everytime were hugging each other))) Definetely child love is the purest and sincerest love in the world!!! And my little princess makes me soooo fucking happy!! I love her more than somebody else in this world)

And I miss my dear freaks who are on the conferences now! I want them to come back faster, cause it's too hard to drive somebody mad alone :)

Situation of the day:

We're hugging each other with sister and brother all together)

Phrase of the day:

My sister: "We love you soooo muuuch, our dear bro!"

My brother: "Yes, definetely there is something like this :D"

Feeling of this weekend - love!

I'm trying... trying to be normal.

But I have one hidden talent - to fuck up everything I touch.

:(

Today Linguistics Department traditionally celebrates Halloween - everything is decorated and students were going to lessons dressed according to Halloween-style) For this I love linguistics department - for dipping into other culture. And my english class was relatively successful) Our teacher even was laughing! Though for 2 years I've never seen her laughing) When the teacher is positive I love the subject even more, especially if it's english.

Watched pictures of ancient places. I was sooo impressed, so my heart almost jumped out of my chest! One day I'll be there!!!

I couldn't keep silence, so I called my mom and told her that I'm thinking about writing research study about sociology and religions, or about sociology and arts. She just said: "It's up to you if it helps you in self-determination". These words made me happy! No judging, no "for what?" etc. etc. Maybe finally they understood that it's useless - to try to change me?)))

Even boring accounting and taxation have meaning for me now - I have to get scholarship in next semester and I have to get these 2 diplomas with good marks. My dreams and goals are stimulating me to study even this bullshit.

Thats a power of vision:)

And what push you forward?

This week I've been watching russian cinema.

At Soviet period till 90s our cinema generally was devoted to patriotism, history or it was comedies with morals and of course with elements of Soviet system such as five-year plans, fathfullness to government and etc.

And in my opinion the most provocative was movie "Dog's heart" (by Mikhail Bulgakov novel), 1988. Mockery at system and time, government and social phenomenas. Still Bulgakov is a genious among all the russian writers ever!

Nowadays russian cinema is living reburth, it has 2 branches - stupid meaningless films (like american comedies) for watching just 1 time. Not important actually. Our pop-singers should express somehow their "actor talent" as they evaluate it. These are movies without any message, idea, expression or provocation. For them it's just a way of earning big money.

And the second is - films for "thinking audience", dramatic and emotional, you can watch it million times and they're becoming new classic. It's cinema not about bourgeois, it's about ordinary people, about their destinies and personal dramas inside of personality - complicated, deep, tangled.

Our young film directors are creating cinema of new generation.

I just feel that I'm becoming attached. I'm happy and sometimes I can't believe that even little things make me happy. I like everything. It's exactly what I like. Maybe just he knows it or maybe he is just like this.

I'm already addicted.

I'm happy with every message. When I read it I can hear his voice and imagine his face. It makes him closer than these miles and time.

And I miss sunrises which I can't watch here:(

But just I'm afraid and don't want to be hurt again.

I don't know what should I do in such situations like this.

I just want to be there.

-Soviet system isn't just a system, it's a way of thinking. I always said - Soviet unioun will die only when all the people who was born there will die. Including us. It's cynical, but it's true.

-why some people get 0,1% of power and they imagine that they rule the world? I call it "syndrome of cleaner".

-I lost my appetite. But I started to sleep better.

-arrived at the notion that I'm smiling everytime when I get next sms. I can swear at these moment my eyes are shining. Today while walking on the street I lifted up my eyes and looked around - everything is grey and gloomy. But not for me. I was smiling)

Situation of the day:

N.: (looking at the pictures of women with closed faces in Yemen in my "Esquire") wtf? is it introduction service?

me: ???

N.: Look! But there is written if she married or not!

No comments.

Was looking for inspiration and bought Esquire magazine. I've read it before and I love it! Today I bought my first Esquire) It's not magazine for men - it's magazine for men and not-blondie-woman:)) I love good photos, stories, right news and extraordinary points of view there. In this november issue there are photos from Africa - french fashion performed by african people and photos "what is your dream?" where random people answered the question "which thing would make you happier?". These pictures are beautiful and they exploded my brain. People from the poorest countries in luxurious clothes and on the background views of poor reality. It makes you think.

Also stories of Americans who cardinally changed their life. I thought: at 20 life is not ending and everything is not so tragical as I think.

I love it - right answers at right moments. When you're lost and can't find the answer, you read some random thing or see something on TV and suddenly you find exactly YOUR answer.

I call it signs of destiny. And if I follow it, later I see - it was right choice!

So, listen to your heart and follow the signs!

And there was a series of photos of women of Yemen. They were asked questions:

-3 main characteristics of your future husband

-what should Western countries know about islamic world

-your hidden talents

-your repetitive dream

-what do you think about niqab

-if you'd have an opportunity to meet with historical person, who would it be?

-into what animal would you like to turn?

their answers are so different, so honest and simple.

Well, I'm inspired.

Thoughts of the day:

-we usually oversleep our lessons with Ira at the same time. And even without any agreement. And even through kilometres and places. HOW???

-teacher of Business english still stands us, cause we understand everything what she says and we're able to speak English and discuss something. Though she knows that we don't do any hometasks)

-as said our sociology teacher - "Family is a cell of society". And only such phenomena as "family" can prevent and stop social cataclysms, it's unique. But nowadays the word "divorced" became quite usual. And "divorce" means "it's already not full-fledged family". So, does it mean that our society is broken and we're on the cusp of social crisis? (though it already came). I guessed so - the end of the world will be not some accident come from the space and everyone will die, no! It'll be mental death of society. And probably we're on the way.

-with lots of happiness I'd do a scientific investigation with topic "Sociology of arts" or "Civilization and religions". But...

-Ira goes to Novosibirsk for 1 week. She'll meet Katya :( I want too:( And I realized that I'll miss my little hamster soooso much! Who will laugh with me during the lessons?..

-fond all the cards, notes and "sugarcubes" from Cyprus... Miss even more!

-awful headache:( fuck, maybe it's transmitting?

-this snow isn't melting!!!! Don't believe that winter came. Long boring dark winter... "I can't live in this coooold country!" (c) Ira today in the morning. Me too. I suppose I have allergy to the cold.

A real happines - is a feeling when you see someone who are:

-in love

-inspired

-happy

-successful

and when you see it, you're happy for this person:)

you're just happy that he/she is happy.

Natasha is planning her trip to India. Since that time when I put a map of the world on my wall, every evening she comes and looks at it) Every evening she tells me the same words as I told her one time: "You can. Just believe in it".

it's a law or return :) you give and get it back in double size :)

Law of happiness!

Music of the day - Gipsy Kings. Music of sun and happiness!!!

Perhaps I'll watch "Frida" one more time - I love her too much and it's too mexican mood last days!

I think Mexico gets the next place in my heart after Eastern countries.

I was walking, looking at these people, at this town...and I was thinking about situations, when I judge them. No, it's not right, I'm not right. I judge them for their life-style, for their provincial worldview, for their: "how is Chelyabinsk?". Today I imagined - if I live here, I would think like this too, cause there is no way for global thoughts, just because people in this town have good salary, their living conditions are comfortable...for what do they need the rest of the world? They are just relatively self-sufficient. And sometimes I feel jelaous. They have everything, they just have to take it. This university - then directly to this atomic factory with huge salaries, then family, children, and everything is so comfortable for living here. Apartments, prices, even this fucking taxi for 50 rub aroung the city!! You want to see another country? Go and buy a ticket to Turkey, Egypt or Thailand - everybody do it! My friends who live here will achieve their "I have everything"-point of life rather faster than me, for example. Maybe because our "comfortable-points" are situated on different levels? Or maybe they are more lucky than me, just I didn't understand it before. Maybe all my rush is just useless?
Today I saw first snow here. Olesya came to me and we were sitting in the kitchen, I was drinking milk with cookies and we were sharing news. Then we went for a walk, it was terrible, cause I wasn't ready for this cold! Moreover it was snowing!! I'm shocked cause it's just october!!
Tomorrow I'm coming back to Che. I want and I don't want at the same time. Here I don't think about problems, here I don't have insomnia, here is just so warm and comfortable...sometimes I miss this life. And maybe those who says: "I'll come back to my hometown" are right? Maybe this life is just more suitable for future? For what do I want to get success, if I can have just everything which is necessary here? And with my 2 diplomas I would get very cool job here.
And just 1 question: "For what am I fucking my brain too much???"

But doubtfully scheme "challenge-achievment-challenge-achievment" will be available here. Without it and a lot of other things I don't feel a taste of life.

Yesterday my cat cought fire. I lighted candles and my cat came, sat near it, then turned and suddenly I saw - her hair are burning!!! Omg!!! And my cat is lucky that she even wasn't afraid, she just was like: "wtf??", before she noticed a fire on her side, I ran to her and extinguished this fire by my hands! It was a little fire, but I was fucking scared! Now my cat is ok, but a little bit without hair:(( I'm still laughing at this case)
Right now my burned Kira is lying on my knees and purring) happy:)

Points of today:
-my parents are role model for me. They shouldn't be afraid of success, they deserved it. Hope after this event they'll go to Paris finally:) together) They know what means "to achieve". Proud to have such parents:)
-I reached that age and that point when I can discuss men and relationship with my mom:)
-don't set fire somewhere near animals)

Talked to Ksu and happy for her!!! This situation inspired me - thoughts are materializing! When you do something because your soul wants it, all the conditions come to help you:)

Again I can't sleep! I'm sick of it!!!

I can't sleep cause there is a heating system already works and it's too hot. Fuck, why did they turn it on so early? It's not a winter!! Look at the thermometer! Motherfuckers!

And my fucking neck doesn't let me sleep and live comfortable. Who knows, how to remove tension of neck muscles? I've even read about it: "unexpressed emotions and fear". Fuck, I don't care about it, I just want to sleep! I can't relax it and sometimes it's BURNING!

One day these little nothings come to you all together and drive you to tears.

After 3,5 hours I should get up, after 4,5 hours I have class.

This is really blya-situation.

rrrrrr :(((

Yesterday I checked my e-mail and saw one unpleasant mail from LC member. It wasn't related with me directly. But I couldn't resist it and answered. I posted funny picture from cartoon and wrote a little fairy-tale) it was gibe of course) then Sasha answered) and we laughed a lot) yes, maybe I'm a bastard sometimes, but I do it only in return. Then Ira called me and said: "Do you want to have a breakfast in McDonald's?")) it was 4 in the morning. Of course I want! So we met with Ira and Sasha, walked to the bridge, sat a bit there, then went to McDonald's and had a breakfast)) also we wanted to go to cinema at 9 a.m., but then decided that we're too sleepy for it)

I like actions like this - spontaneous and crazy. When we were walking the city was empty and dark, and when I was coming back to my dorm, the bus was full of people who was going to uni or to work. I came back about 8.30 and went to sleep.

Woke up at 3 p.m. Sasha called me and said: "heeey, did you forget? We wanted to have a cup of coffee together in cafe!!". Oh shit. I forgot. And still I wanted to sleep after that crazy night. But I got dressed and met her. I bought iced coffee with ice-cream topping and Sasha said: "There is wonderful cake, you should take it!". I saw this cake - the same like in "Cinar pastanesi" in Famagusta(((( Of course I took it. Again we discussed our plans to escape after graduation. With her we always discuss it) Then we walked a bit and I saw travel agency, it's name was "Bosporus". Fuck fuck fuck. Maybe it's nothing, maybe I just notice these details everytime and everything is just a randomness? And everytime I think that it's a sign! It's stupid, but I can't get it out of my head...

Filled up application for being a mentor. This time I'll take just 1 mentee, but I want to grow up a really great leader. I believe I can do it. While I was filling it up, I thought: "Fuuuck..I already have full aiesec experience! I know lots of things and can share anything with my mentee and tell lots of things". I felt so old) And it's a little bit sad - I got this experience so fastly.

Anyway I'm happy. In a measure I feel self-sufficient. Inspite of all that problems which seem a huuuge troubles for me now, I know - it all will pass. I'm happy. I have a goal, dream, people whom I love. Friendship and just tender relationship. I'm not alone if I feel this connection. And miles are not a problem, the main thing that I feel closeness.

When I was walking to the cafe I felt it as never before - I'm free, young, dreaming and definetely I'll get everything what I want.

I just know it.

Everybody already talks about New Year - how, where, with whom bla bla...

I would spend New Year week in Cyprus. And it would be like this:

Night. 00.30 a.m. of January, 1. I'm sitting on the stairs of white house (one of those at the seaside), it's my house and I decorated it according my own design. I'm looking at the sky. Light warm wind...At this moment sky is not black - it's like a rainbow because of exploding fireworks and salute. I would make fireworks on the beach)) My house is full of my friends and at that moment I would do a last puff at sigarette, take a sip of wonderful milkshake with ice-cream (like in "Shakespeare"), close my eyes, take a deep breath and think with a smile: "Fuck, it's the best New Year in my life!". I think the weather in Cyprus is perfect in December. And Cyprus like a paradise even more. Green grass and flowers, t-shirt at day and gloves at night - discrepant weather. In winter! But it's perfect weather for me)

***

I remember... 26 of January-09. About 4 a.m. Ekaterinburg airport. A lot of snow, fucking cold (about -20) and blizzard. I'm in a light coat and my red-blue scarf. Even without hat. I'm ready for the best travel ever)

Still 26 of January, about 9 a.m. (Ist time). I'm walking on the boarding bridge, looking around and my brain is living slow collapse - I see green grass and bright sun at the end of January! At that moment I died! Welcome to Turkey, baby!))

***

Today I saw wooonderful clay caps and realized - my dream it is my house. It'll be snow-white. Because white colour against the background of blue sky - it's perfect combination. It'll have huuuge windows, so at the day my house will be full of sunshine. I'll decorate it. And the colours of rooms will be different - full of contrasts and combine incompatible things. I can make it beautiful. Yes, I want to have my own house. Warm comfy place. Spacious. And everyone can come in any time. Dinners with friends and family. I'm ready for independent life. But I won't be a housewife with a lot of children to sit at home and manage all this stuff)) It's the only one thing which is like a nightmare for me - wedding gown at the beginning and everybody happy and smiling, then children etc., etc., and lots of troubles. No no.

Every man to his taste. (c) popular wisdom

yes, I don't remember when I really cried last time. I think it was in Moscow airport.

And today was that moment which supposed to become a relaxation and let my emotions be.

What did I expect? I had to be more clever in this situation, more wise. And from now on I won't share my plans and dreams with those who can't understand it and support me. And they will not make me cry anymore.

I'm not weak and I will survive.

#1

New York, I Love You is a collective work of eleven short films, with each segment running around 10 minutes long. Some of the actors have international status (Natalie Portman, Shia LaBeouf, Hayden Christensen, Orlando Bloom), with each shooting their part in one of New York'sfive boroughs. Similar to the previous film, Paris, je t'aime, the shorts presented together will not relate but will all tie into the common theme of finding love.
#2
The film follows the individuals of six unrelated love stories from around the world, some ending in happiness and some ending in tragedy.

I want to watch these movies on sundays in the morning in cinema)

aaaa take me to the cinema somebodyyy!!!

Our life always consists of 2 choices: "I want" and "I have to". And again this crossroads:

1. Opportunity to be OCP of project I dreamed when came to Aiesec! And I have its vision! - "I want!!"

2. I can't apply for it because I have to work and I won't have enough time for project. - "I have to".

Moreover:

1) there is already 1 candidate who wants to be project manager so much and I don't want to steal this opportunity. Maybe someone needs this development more than me right now.

2) I already have great experience in Executive Board and to be a project manager now would be step back.

But:

1) The project like this was my dream..

2) I don't want to take a break in my Aiesec experience

3) I was a coach of similar project

But on the other hand:

1) I have plans for next year

2) It would be better to focus on one thing - it'll be more effective

3) I refuse this opportunity for better things, so I can say that my "I have to" is "I HAVE TO do it for my other I WANT". It's only a question of time.

And maybe I already overgrew this step and it's time to play real games?..

I shouldn't dissipate my energies! Focus on! Focus on!

Eventually it's just an idea.

Yesterday was "Coco Chanel" party in Ira's house) We wanted to watch movie "Coco before Chanel", but...just wanted)) I watched this movie before and everytime everywhere I'll say: "She is genious!". Strong independent woman with hard destiny. I just admire her. Frida and Coco - sometimes my role models. When I don't want to do something anymore and ready to give up, I look at their pictures and tell myself: "No, girl. Not at this time. Just stand up, go and do it!".

We were dressed according to Chanel style)) pearl necklaces, little black dresses, immortal Chanel suit, red lips and curly hair) cakes, champagne (tea) and celebrating Ira's birthday) It was great night and I didn't drink alcohol, I drunk tea) In the morning I realized - it's so cool not to drink alcohol!!! You feel good, not tired, you don 't have headache and it's fun - to look at everybody who was drunk))) And now I know it even more - I don't want to drink alcohol! I wanna feel real emotions everytime and everywhere) It was my little personal discovery)

Today was party for newees (I missed it unfortunately), but later we went to sushi-bar with Ira, Ksu and Dana for celebrating Ira's birthday once again but only with the closest people. It was our little "Sex and the city" party)) with sushi (thanks God!!! I was dreaming about sushi last weeks!!) we didn't spend a lot of time together last time, and today was really great)) we discussed everything and everybody)) yes, yes - EVERYTHING! :)

We made flowers from tissues, put it in our hair and took pictures like this)) my flower was red (and red lipstick as always), Ira's - blue and Ksusha's - white))) then a little walk on the night city, laughing and remembering our EB term 08-09)) then walking with Ira and talking about things which are staying only between us, discussing men, relationship, another women etc etc...

I came home and with my girls we watched new episodes "Lie to me" and "House M.D.")) They suggested it and I would say: "mm...nooo...I don't waaant..", but I said: "yes, sure". And I thought: "Hmm. Sometimes I can be a real bore. Like an old woman)". hehe)

So I had wonderful 2 last days)

Today was final interview for our newees. I interviewed 5 people, 30 mins for each. So different - to talk with someone was pleasure, with someone - very hard... as interviewer I have to be neutral, polite (very!!), sensitive, attentive, ask right questions at right moment...and of course - no signs if I'm tired! We selected 25 from 36 people. And now our LC is soooo biiig!!)))) About 50 members!!!)) Our LC is as big as never before!)

Today on interview I asked one guy: "what are your goals for next months?" He asked me in return: "And yours?". I felt like my cheeks are turning red - unexpected situation. I answered and he said: "Wonderful!". I realized - yes, all that I'm planning for next months and 2-3 years is wonderful..

Everybody is so surprised - why eastern countries? Answer is easy: I was born and lived also in eastern country and just I don't see myself in cold Europe or conservative Asia, or America. I love East. It attracts me and I can't resist its mystical spirit.

My alluring East... <3

Watched movie Issiz Adam one more time - I heard turkish language and everything were burn inside of me - I realized HOW MUCH I MISS IT!!!

That man from movie is abaza btw))

And today I bought a lot of stuff and I do creative work)) searching for my hidden talents) hehe:)

Fucking intreview. I expected that it'll be regular trash.

I had a nervous strain and on the way home bought 3 enamels. Light, colour of milk chocolate and dark. They reflect me nowadays - sometimes too kind or nice or dismal. I don't know who am I.

Awful headache during the day.

I wore my pink coat, which I didn't wear for about 1,5 year. I love it) And immediately I noticed - people are looking at me. Sometimes attention should rise up our self-concept and our mood.

1 english lesson. Our teacher is angry as always and she promised to expel us. I imagined that: 1,5 years before graduation we are almost fucked. I love english. But not these bare translations of economic articles lesson by lesson, and even without practicing our speaking. Boring...and what can I do if 75% of our group don't understand anything??

My breakfast was at 5 p.m. in cafe. A lot of coffee.

Then presentation of results of our newees - end of induction week. It was very funny) Every recruitment people are different. Tomorrow we have final interview, I want to get to know them closer.

A walk with Dinar. Talking about everything and nothing. Yes, we're definetely good friends) We can share anything. We were walking, eating bananas with chocolate and drinking soda)) Jumping in empty fountains, singing "Beatles", laughing and talking about relationship, strangeness of life and asking: "wtf is wrong with us?" no one of us can find a real love...that love which will be long, deep, serious... actual love. I love Dinar for his sincerity, openness, spontaneity and honesty. He isn't damaged by someone's influence, he is different. 1 year of working together in Aiesec have done it's work - we became like family)

At the end of day a movie about Coco Chanel. All that I was needed today.

-----

Missing.

Last night I saw nightmare - my wedding. Woke up in a cold sweat. No, thanks!

Just 2 lessons today, 5 points for doing a task and 1 tea with sugar between them.

2 job interviews for tomorrow (I'm sure that they'll disappoint me as always).

Turkish party. I was standing there in a dark hall and telling this public about my experience in Cyprus. When I'm talking about it, I feel that I'm sparkling and shining. But I was looking at their faces and I saw nothing. Stone grey faces. They became too choosy. They don't need a miracle and simple joy of life anymore. They need money, carnal desires and someone who will tell them: "I earned 1 mln USD! And you can do it too!". Capitalist society. At the end as always I asked: "Any questions?". Silence. No questions. Just these fixed faces. At that moment they seemed to me all the same. Like in advertisement Apple Macintosh "1984". And then I thought again: "They are really different. I want to come back to warm people in warm country."

And suddenly I saw Alisa - we studied in one school. She was so inspired, congratulated me with my success in Aiesec and she said: "I've just came back from USA and I wanna go to Czech Republic!!". We were talking about 30 min and I didn't see in her eyes a real motivation to develop her personality and get a professional experience through internship. She said quite honestly: "I wanna spend there my next summer". I remembered 2 ukrainian girls in Cyprus who usually went to the beach instead of university. For me it's offencive. But anyway we'll see.

Met Dana. I didn't see her since june! We had just about 10 minutes to talk. Things she said shocked me. What the hell is going on with us? We thought that we're grown ups, that we know what do we really want to do in this life, but NO! Now we want to choose extremely another things! I have to see her again and talk about it! Our situations are similar and maybe I'll find a solution for myself.

After this we went to turkish cafe "Antalya". Green tea with lemon and baklavaaaaa!! Masha came. I don't know why, but last time I don't like her. I just feel uncomfortable near this person. Especially if she close to me.

Sasha brought cards taro and mysteriously said: "They can help you to find an answer for your question". I don't believe in all these stuff like fortune-telling, card reading and etc. But I tried) Sooo... yes. It wasn't answer, but it was true. Exactly that details which are in my mind last 1,5-2 months. Now I almost know what should I do with this situation which came like a bolt from the blue.

My life is going with constant checking plane ticket prices, looking at picture on my desktop and questions in my head.

By the way I don't drink alcohol anymore. It's just somewhere inside. Just I don't want and don't see any meaning in it. And I smoke 3-4 sigarettes in a day. And even can't finish every single sigarette. It's not a pushing myself. It's "being-in-Cyprus" effect.

Yesterday again I went to bed at 2, but fell asleep just at 5. I thought that a country should be suitable for personal characterisics of each person. The way you grown up, your habits, upbringing, your worldview - with all this stuff you suppose to feel comfortable in your country. And when your characterisics and environment you live don't match - it means you didn't find YOUR PLACE yet. And just you don't have "it's mine!"-feeling. Like me.

A little bit philosophy as always)

You drink expensive and disgusting coffee in airports, you see 2 sunrises in 1 day, you change snow to green grass, you have 3 planes in one day, you hate customs and dry air in the cabin of Boeing or Airbus, you hear "Fasten your seat belts!", you're happy when undercarriage touched the ground...if you had it once, you want to experience it again and again! You're addicted. And it's unique and incredible feeling when you come out of the plane, close your eyes, take first breath, smile and feel... the smell of different world!

This autumn is wonderful. I meet my friends and those who went abroad at first time are planning to do it again in winter or summer. And everytime I meet them I'm smiling and joying, cause we are the same) we became the same. I like to hear news about our EPs - after one internship they go to the end of Earth again and again. I'm smiling on the sly - I know - now their life is changed) like mine)

Last spring it was Dasha - she went to Germany for 1 year for working. I read her posts in blog and happy for her)) she fond her place) I'm proud of this brave 18 years old girl. It was her own decision and she did it!

Katerina Utkina - internsip in India and now I even can't guess where is she, but I'm sure - she fond a paradise.

Yulia - amazing story! During internship in India she fond her love - a guy from Columbia and they're together in Vietnam! I started to believe in miracles of life)

Alina and Paris; Katya and Italy; Olya and India...

And of course me, Ira and Turkey-Cyprus...

I went to bed 2,5 hours ago. I can't sleep. I can't relax. When I close eyes, I think about million things at the same time: summer (last and next), Cyprus, EuroXpro 2010 in Istanbul in March, job, uni, money, I want to go home and spend there 3-4 days, should I take back my cat or not?, which plans do I have for tomorrow?, new ideas are coming into my mind... etc. etc.

I took sedative, and even it doesn't help. I tried relaxing meditation for sleeping, tried not to think about something, but after 2 minutes again thoughts are coming!!!

Now it's 4.25. Actually I have a lesson at 8. And I suppose to wake up after 2h 30min. But I won't go. If I go, probably I'll die somewhere on the way to uni))

This day regimen is killing me and fucking up all my plans for the next day. Even if I wake up at 7, I can't fall asleep earlier that at 2 a.m.

And in this case psychologists would say something like: "You have some unsolved problem which bothers you, thats why you can't sleep". Especially I can't relax neck muscles, my teacher of physical education told that it means that I have unexpressed emotions. Reaction of our body directly related with emotional condition.

Thats a bullshit.

And now I'm hungry. But of course I won't eat at 4.30 in the morning.

Shit.

Again I woke up at 12, then at 3. Half of this day I slept. After breakfast (actually supper) and talking with Ira I started to clean my room, wardrobe and all the shelfs. I don't know how many time did it take, I think about 2 hours, but at the end I saw that I threw out a lot of stuff and now my room looks almost empty). When you throw out some stuff, you feel free and updated)

When I did it I realized - all what happened with me was a sign!

1. When I landed to Chelyabinsk airport from Cyprus, I tried my russian sim-card, but turned out that I have debt on it about $30. And besides that it was unavailable even in Moscow, also in Istanbul and Cyprus! This debt is impossible! So I bought a new sim-card.

2. My brother bought me a new mobile. All that old sms which I saved for memory, stayed in old mobile. I don't have them anymore.

3. Suddenly my facebook account became unavailable!! I don't know why! And again all dear messages disappeared. I created a new one. And of course I already won't add that friends with whom I don't communicate. Even if I want. I'll add only those who are dear for me.

All these facts showed me just one thing - I should delete all old memories, forget everything and start new life without projection past to my present and future.

And now I don't regret that I lost all that threads which connected me somehow with good memories in my life.

Now I have a new connection) And it's even more sincere and tender) I appreciate it very much! And messages in my new mobile are better than some other ones. Even if he's so far, his messages make me warm in this cold autumn...

Yes, one day we have to throw out old garbage inspite of we consider it as a "gold memories". Sometimes it's not, it's just a load which pull us back.

The song of the day - Kylie Minogue "Please stay"

***

At Tuesday will be Aiesec event - Turkish night at one cafe. Like welcome party for all returnees and promotion of internships for new. I have to say something there. It'll be hard, cause I don't want to cut my mind, take that memories about Cyprus and Turkey and show it in public. These memories and my experience are treasures and I feel like I'll be robbed if I tell strangers about it. But why? It's just sharing...

(btw I've just had a deja vu)

My morning began at 3 p.m. Evgen wrote a message: "give me back my book. at what time can I come?". Hahaha. Sounds like "Give me back my toys! I won't play with you anymore!". Fuck off! Who cares?

he: I reserved a place in that brewery. Today is Russia-Germany footbal match, but my girlfriend broke her leg... let's go there together?

me: WTF????

I even couldn't find normal biting words to answer. Just smiled and said: "Of course.. no". I'm not an "emergency exit".

***

I tried to invent a new meal. I called my mom and asked some details. She thinks that finally I'm trying to cook something more complicated than eggs and noodles, I'm thinking: "Fuck, I'm just so hungry! What can I do with all this foodstuff I have? Hmm.."

***

I'm drinking green tea with lemon cup by cup, reading Beigbeder, smoking and thinking: "wt hell am I doing here? I could buy a ticket and go home for a weekend".

***

That warm after yesterday message is still inside of me. Somewhere in the middle, not far from heart. Wish I was there...

***

1.07 a.m. here. Ira's birthday.

Happy birthday, my dear:)

I'm thinking, observing, analysing, catching details... And creating.

Thinking about beauty of the world, people, men and women, characters, talents, details.

I wish I had black hair and dark eyes, for example like spanish or mexican people. All the time I considered european, slavic appearance as faded and wan, so if I had that bright and charismatic appearance, I wouldn't do any make-up!

Or some of turkish girls - it's so awesome - this amazing combination - long black hair and dark-dark green or deep blue eyes!

For what we use make-up, buy alluring clothes, colour hair, wear high-heels and etc.? And all this we do every day, day by day! Creams, lotions, lipsticks, mascara, enamels, blushs, eyeshadows, accessories...kilogrammes of this stuff! For what?

We spend a lot of time in the mornings for being beatiful. Every day. From 10 to 60 minutes.

Most of men think that we do it for them, for their attention. The truth is that...partly) We do it:

-for feeling more self-confident

-for catching men's attention => feeling more self-confident

-for having great mood (at the beginning of the day)

-for being sure that each of us is the queen of the universe

-for feeling that you're a real woman!

-and other very important reasons :)

-(and a little bit for men:) )

I believe in the beauty of every woman) I believe I can do something. I want to achieve, create and stay inspired every single day.

I believe in beauty of people, thoughts, ideas, dreams. I believe, I can. Inspite of everything and contrary to all the rules.

I believe in beauty of love.

Love is the main inspiring factor <3