Comparisons are easily done
Once you've had a taste of perfection
Like an apple hanging from a tree
I picked the ripest one
I still got the seed

You said move on
Where do I go
I guess second best
Is all I will know...

It's stupid to deny it, make jokes and claim that I'm happy that everything is like this. It's stupid to say: "It was the best decision, it was wise decision". Best decision? Hahaha. No way. And yes, I regret.

And I'll never have the courage to throw away that only printed picture of us which I have. And won't have the courage to delete the rest from laptop.

Somewhere deep inside I still love him. It's impossible to cut piece of heart and just throw away. Everything I can do - is just try to overcome it. No person - it means no feelings. Just my heart doesn't want to accept it.

Today were LCP elections. Natalia Bycova is LCP 10-11 of @ Chelyabinsk!!! Ksusha is OCP of Plan-it. Some dreams come true, but some - not...

In 1 week we have conference and I know - it'll be the last conference for me in Che as faci. Just 1 week and I'll know the results of MC elections.

1 week... and what will happen then? Anyway my life will not be the same. With AIESEC or without it.

The song Nouvelle Vague - "Ever fallen in love" will be always associated with winter 2010 in my mind:)

I have mixed feelings right now. Feeling of the end of something and feeling of the great beginning of something else at the same time. Sadness and happiness.

Anyway, everything in its right place.

AIESEC Russia never stops.

Today about idee fixe. I have several of them and they don't let me sleep well)) so, welcome on the stage TOP-3 of my idee fixe:

1. Dolphins!)) They are sooo cute! And they're kind and very smart! And it's strange but I have never seen dolphins in real! There are no dolphins in the sea of Azov where I spend so many time in childhood. They are only in Black sea, but I didn't see them there:( And my dream is at first to see them, to touch and to swim with them! If one day it comes true, I will be the happiest person ever!

2. And one more - if one day I have so much courage and challenge myself to ride a horse finally (or at least dare to touch!) I'll be so proud of myself! Cause I'm afraid even to come close to them)

3. After riding a horse - to ride a camel! Though I think they are more safe than horses:)

4. I asked myself very often: people invented breeds of small dogs who stayed small the whole life. So, why they didn't do that with cats?? Cats could stay so cute and small like kittens! Anyway I love my Kira, though she is not a kitten anymore)

5. One day when I'll be rich and famous, I will buy paint of Salvador Dali. Man of my dream:) I wish he died at 1989 when I was born:( otherwise I'd pay any money to meet him! Though..maybe it was reincarnation?)))) Moreover, he knew Frida Khalo! (Though she didn't like him). But I love both of them!

It's quite rarely when we can hear honest and detailed opinion about our work from our stakeholders. But today finally I got it. It wasn't very enjoyable to hear such words, but it was true. Really, our age and student status sometimes plays against us. So, if it's like that, if we're young and people used to think "young means not experienced, not serious", at least we have to look seriously, everything - face, clothes, hair, hands, words. First impression.

And today was not so cool to hear all that, though I asked for this feedback by myself. Maybe it was our mistake - our successors don't think that it's important. Wish I was there and saw all that!!!

But now it'is recruitment time and your appearance - it's the first thing which potential members see. You even don't say any single word - people already see you. And you will never have the 2nd chance to make a first impression.

And popular words that "your face doesn't matter, matters what is inside" are NOT true! Face matters! Yes, you always can fix wrong 1st impression, but maybe it's better to do everything right from the beginning?

And it's popular mistake - often aiesecers wear business suit only for meeting with company. We like words "let's be professional" very much. So, let's follow this, a?

"Be professional" means to do it everytime, everywhere, in everything - from parfum to speech.

The way you look like - matters very much, remember that!

For example, I saw @ poster and want to go for internship. Internship abroad - very important desicion and even can be dangerous. So I want to be safe and want to be sure in every detail. And if I come to the meeting and see crowd of people who look like ordinary students, who look not very neat, what should I think about them? I'd think: "What the hell? Is it organisation which will orginise my internship abroad??". And probably I would say "No, I don't trust them".

So, let's be professional, guys. And not just bla bla bla.

Thought of the day: just accept the situation that you're not that kind of girls about whom they can say: "She is nice".
Those who "nice" would never do tricks like me. And never use bad words.
At least, I'm not the only one)
Iraaa, we are not nice! And I LOOOVE it so much!)

Music: Lily Allen - Fuck you

What is the most important thing if you face with jerks? - to take a deep breath and... smile. Imagine that he is not an asshole, but just a child who needs an explanation. So, explain. Be calm and friendly. Even if that bastard is trying to bowl you down. Even if he is stupid like wood.

And always remember about your health! Nerve cells are not renewable! No stress!

One day I want to achieve that degree of imperturbability which is enough for being totally calm everytime. And one day my voice will be so quiet, so I won't be able to shout))

I am - light pink lotus flower. I am so calm and relaxed. I'm not reacting to someone's provocations. I'm so peaceful everytime, in any situation. Yes, imagination definetely is the best friend in such situations. And self-suggestion.

Feel like very soon I will go to yoga classes=\

Dana and Ksu - one day I hope I'll be so imperturbable like you:)

Today is day off and I can sleep and sleep! I was crossing the road and suddenly met Lyosha, actually I was going to buy ticket to home but he made me have a cup of tea together. Yes, keeping up the relationship is more important than some business which can wait. Sharing last news and ordinary talks. He told me that Eugene is going to rent another apartment and something else about him. Ok, I don't care. He doesn't bother me already for about 10 days, so I'm happy. It means that everything is finally over.

There are million thoughts in my head at the same time - interview, can't wait for musical in theatre, business english, LCP elections, cleaning room, etc, etc...

I don't like very much days off, especially if there is no some activity. I'm alone in the dorm already for 5 days and Sasha is coming back tomorrow. Oooh, I don't like being alone:( when you're coming back at home in the evening and there is nobody to have cup of coffee with:(

Ira brought me from Izmir very cool hand-made photo album! I like things like this - I know that nobody else has it!) Really, all gifts from different people and countries which I have make me so happy! I used to live like this - meet foreigners very often, speak english almost every day, meet new cultures and have friends from different countries... and I'm really lucky in my life. Not every person of my age has experience like me, not everyone speaks english, especially here - in th middle of Russia, not in capital-city. I look at my wall with world map and realize - it is in my hands and I'm happy person.

Here are last cold february days and I'm not parting with blanket. Moreover, today some disaster happened to central heating system and there is no hot water((( but they promised to fix everything till tomorrow. Only hot chocolate makes the situation not so sad.

This semester we have again accounting and taxation in NGOs. And this is it - thanks to my term of VP F! I learned all it in practice and when I haven't such subjects at uni yet! And now I feel so confident and it is esy for me to understand and learn that subjects.

Everything I need right now - is an inspiration for generating brilliant ideas!

In the novel "One hundred years of loneliness" by Gabriel Garcia Marques, one guy could fly after drinking cup of hot chocolate, so I hope at least it'll make me be inspired!

Our life is full of miracles. Just take a look around! Our life is so short and every day is enjoyable and beautiful.

I love small miracle moments in my life) when my cat is lying on my knees, or when I hold cup of hot chocolate in my hands, or when I see child who is feeding pigeons in the park...

Life is beautiful and full of love. Our mistake is that sometimes we just don't see it.

I love film "Amelie", it makes me see small wonderful moments in every day again, if I forgot about it:) It makes me believe that things are better than it seems. It makes me believe in happines. And love.

And Odry Tautou!)) Her big brown eyes make her so ingenuous!)

Oh, french music, Monmartre and small cafes!..

13 days left till spring and here is already warm sun and singing birds in the morning! Spring - is a new life!

Can't wait the moment when I can finally take off warm clothes, hat, gloves and wear silk scarf and light purple beret!

All our dreams will come true, I know. We'll get everything that we want. Our future is great, though it's a little bit scary right now.

Just 1 year left till graduation.

And our future won't live up to smb's expectations. Why? It won't live up to somebody's ordinary expectations. We won't come back to our home-cities for constant living, we won't have a job which hardly covers monthly costs... and we won't be satisfied with it.

Just because we can't do that with our lives after all that we experienced. From now on we'll strive to get something more.

Something, which will satisfy our needs, wishes and dreams. Especially dreams. If we can't reach our dreams and goals, we'll be extremely unhappy.

Since we crossed this edge, we can't let ourselves be worse.

So what if it can be hard right now? So what if we should be patient and wait a bit more? As I remember, it never stopped us.

And everything will come true. Just faith, belief and confidence.

I live in wonderful country.

Here is you can see squirrels in central parks.

You can feel the warmth of sun on your face, though it can be -30 degrees at the same time.

You can experience -30 in winter and +30 in summer.

You can try to swim in the ice hole in January) russians do that, YES!)))

Here you can see suddenly lade-down snow lying on the green grass in June.

Here are big cities and the most expensive city in the world - Moscow.

Here are bears, deers, wolves and foxes in the deep forest.

Here are rich history, you can see magnificent palaces and the biggest museums in Europe.

Here the most amazing people you can ever meet. Even if you don't understand russian language - you'll understand their smiles to you:)

You can enjoy AWESOME nature - in Russia you can find everything - from desert to forests, from rivers and lakes to ocean.

Here everything is possible. And if you think that incompatible things can not be mixed - come to Russia - country of contrasts! :)

I'm really proud to be russian and to live here. When I'm walking around the city or travelling, I realize how much I love this country and how deep is its soul. Our people are unique and seem strange very often - discrepant, rebellious, brave, deep, mysterious...

It's all about us. Do you want to know more?

AIESEC internships are only for you! Come to Russia. Come to my city - Chelyabinsk.

www.aiesec.org

Spring recruitment is starting. Emails, promotion, presentations... )

I love recruitments. It makes me think again and again about that happy chance, that life-changing decision which that guys who'll join AIESEC will do. Every recruitment I'm remembering that day when I just came back from my first induction seminar.

That special EB 07-08 and Bora as chair:) who knew that he'll be an MCP?)) walking down the street, on the road there were yellow autumn leaves, I looked at the people and I realized - I fond myself! I was SO inspired! I understood - "it's mine! it's all for me! I was born for that!". I'll never forget that life-changing for me moment.

It felt like I became opened to world, to people, like I opened my eyes and saw what's going on around! I realized how much before that moment I was focused on myself, on my problems and how boring was my life. At one moment everything is changed!

I met him and fell in love at first sight. My AIESEC. I beleive it was destiny! )

And all that guys, who'll come soon, I want very much them to find their way, to fall in love with @, to realize themselves!

It's so important not just to do our job, but keep the thought about future newees in our minds. And on their unduction seminar we'll look in their shining eyes and it'll be the best moment, when each of us will realize - every day, everywhere... keep doing what we do here, in this organization.

Even if you didn't sleep last 2-3 days, even if you was preparing sessions till the morning every day, even if you're SO tired and even can't stand... standing in front of plenary you'll realize - these things are not important. Important is what you're doing for all that people who came here with expectations.

That people are worth all your energy, your nerves, your time.

Before recruitment I'm always in love. I already love our newees, though they didn't come yet:)

This feeling reminds a thurst. It reminds a lack of something. And everyone who seems very active in his life, actually has it. But it's hidden very well. And sometimes people even don't realize that they have it. And in this condition people can do mistakes.

The name of this feeling is emotional emptiness. When you feel lack of something, you even don't realize what is it, but you're trying to fulfill your life till the end - you're trying to make your days full of meetings and activities.

This is what I thought about some years ago when I moved to Che and promised myself - I won't fall in love and the only one thing I'll do - I'll be successful.

But one day you' ll just stop and take a look back. And what you'll see? Maybe you'll find yourself with notebook full of contacts and with few real friends. You'll see great results of your activities. You'll see your super career. You're on the top. You can love your friends, you can love all the people in the world, you can be the best leader and professional.

But one day you realize that it's all just a crap if you don't have person who's waiting for you at home. You're standing in the crowd, but actually you're alone.

Yes, sometimes I'm thinking about it. But I don't want to stop, I want to move forward and who knows, where will I be in 1, 2, 5 years? Life is so fast and unpredictable. And I had moments when I was ready to stop and stay with someone forever. But I realize that now it has no meaning, because it's so hard to find someone who is ready to follow you, who is ready to wait, to overcome distances and challenges. And it all has no meaning because the parting is always so hard and heartbreaking. No serious relationship - no pain and no regrets.

Last days I feel this emptiness especially.

The main thing is not to do mistakes. Especially now.

***

Usually people are waiting for THOSE 3 words. But what to do if you finally hear it.. and suddenly you want to escape? Escape somewhere fucking far-far away, hide under the pillow and not to hear that! It's weird, but it happens every time! Even if I'm in love with someone, at moment when that person tells me these words at 1st time, my first thought is: "Run!!! Run away!".

And I can't do anything with it. I'm afraid very much. I'm afraid to belong, to be dependent - especially emotionally.

This is strange dilemma. And it's much more easier to escape, to laugh, to joke. It's much more easier than to look at his eyes, take his words seriously and say: "Me too".

Maybe it's just not right person. Maybe everything is wrong and too complicated now.

Maybe I just didn't really fall in love for a long time.

I believe - everything in its right place. And everything happens at right moment.

I'm happy now like this.

I'm applying for MC abroad and I'm opened to new horizons and challenges. And I'll get everything when I'm ready for it, really ready.

And even maybe one day I'll be ready to stop and stay forever.

But not now! Great opportunities are waiting for me!

Woohooooo!!!!!

I see statuses of our interns on facebook. Last weekend they almost all came back home. They write emails, put to status "I miss Russia", etc...
Oooh...I understand them. Now they feel the same as me after internship. Me too, I didn't want to be attached to people so much, cause I knew - the leaving is gonna be very heartbreaking. But it's impossible. When you spend 24 hours together, you overcome first challenges together, you work and achieve together, you misunderstand sometimes that culture together..it's just impossible to stay indifferent. You give them small pieces of your heart. And when you're sitting in the airport already in your home-country, you realize - your heart stayed somewhere there, so far-far away...you gave your heart to that people. Someone said: "Your home where your heart is". My home is - world!)
Lately I was thinking about MC life abroad if I'm elected. I imagined. I'll fall in love with that country, I know it. At first, it's Middle East - I love it already. And Cyprus, my Cyprus. Anyway, even if I see each country, this island will be special for me.
Some days ago one girl asked me: "When are you going to come back to Cyprus?". And I didn't answer. What can I say? "I don't know"? Really, I don't know... but as soon as I get a chance, first thing I'll do - I'll book a ticket to Istanbul. First flight. I don't know who is waiting for me in Cyprus, I don't know... Just my soul and my heart are there.
And first thing I'd do in Famagusta - I'll buy "Parliament lights", then catch a taxi and go to Salaamis beach watch the sea. Oh, Mediterranean sea, I MISS U!!!
This small island will be special for me forever. Island of love and happiness. And one day I'll come back to feel this happines again...

I listened to that song. Our song. "Be with you". At first time for last few months I did it. And I cried. After so many time, so many days, after 6 month I cried... I remembered everything. And I even don't know why, I didn't expect reaction like that. I already went through it, I forgot, I lost all my feelings... everything I saved is just tender memories.

I hope it's just nerves, and just this mess.

I just want to hug someone who can support me and protect from everything. Just hug so tight and forget about everything:(

I'm tired of living "I'll do it by myself!" life. Finally, I want to have someone behind me, someone, who'll catch me if I fall. I just want to know that I have right to do mistakes...

I want to have someone safe, who won't betray me.

I'm able to be independent and strong. But I want to have a chance to be weak sometimes, I'm not an iron.

I hope tomorrow I'll forget about all this.