Russia is also famous by russian painters, literature, composers... I love our poets, especially Vladimir Mayakovsky and Anna Akhmatova. I love depressive Dostoevsky and romantic and realistic painters. I love spirit of fighters which exist in russian literature of "Silver century" - beginning of XX cent. Shocking Alexander Soljenicyn, psychodelic Mikhail Bulgakov and others... hard 90s and famous words "changes! we're waiting for changes" of Viktor Tcoy. That rebellious spirit which grown up my generation. 90s became a middle-step between USSR and Russan Federation. That old men in government, who are so old that even can't talk properly, they ruled our country for years! And now - era of young, progressive people who are ready for changes and do it every moment. Generation of leaders.
If 15 years ago you could be arrested for your "too honest" words, articles or songs about government style of ruling, but today we have total freedom of opinion. Anyone can say anything, write anything, sing anything or organize meetings in the city-centres. It's not an anarchy, it's just a freedom which we were waiting for years and years. There is no common opinion anymore, we're growing "cult of individuality".
But there is another side of new time. Literature also reflects all these changes and people's mood. But I don't see really great modern writers, musicians or poets, whose words would make think. There is only copying of America and Europe, only blond hair everywhere a-la Paris Hilton, short skirts, imitation of Hollywood stars and life goal - "to be rich and famous". Stupid blonds are everywhere. There is no any wisdom, uniqueness, there is no message. Looks like there is no brains in people's heads. People are empty.
Of course, maybe after 100 years our culture will be described in school books with all its features, but the situation which I see today makes me sad.
Earlier it was "cold war" and "iron curtain" between USSR and USA. It was just about 20-30 years ago. It was forbidden even to say or to know something about them. But today we're taking their culture and implementing it to our culture, mixing up everything too much. As much as we're losing our own face and becoming someone else.
Maybe thats why I love Turkey, bacause we're trying to forget all our history and traditions, but they're trying to save it. This is a real brightness and colourness of country. They take something from West, but also properly save everything they have in their culture. Even in literature southern writers don't try to be like europeans, they're trying to explain all the differences and make West just accept their mentality.
West can't understand East. Russia with its mentality is a Eastern country. Without any preparation we just took everything we saw in West. We're not ready but we took it, thats why now our society looks ugly. Europe and USA got all that they have step by step, it took years and years... But we want to do the same, but sooo fastly. Our development degree and our wishes don't match.
Why we want to be like someone else? Why we don't want to save our own uniqueness? Or maybe it's just globalization? Question is still opened.

I had lots of questions in my mind, and today I fond some answers for everything. Total revaluation of values happened in my head.
Just I don't know what can fill up this emptiness? I faced situation like this ar first time. It's like you can't find things to do, place to sit...you can't sleep, can't eat, can't think..
Oh God, thanks for my family and that we're all together. They're the most valuable thing I have.

Nobody expected that something terrible can happen. Last time I felt shock like this 6 years ago. It's when you're walking on the street, but you just don't understand anything... you look around and don't understand, why there are so many people? where they're going? why?... they discuss something, think that they have real problems...but everything is so stupid. Some events make us think about meaning and valuety of life. Fuck((( you're shocked and you don't understand anything, you can't realize the situation... the only one thought was in my mind that morning: "Everything is not important, doesn't matter, it's just a bullshit". Everything except our life as a fact. We're alive!
I don't know how can I describe everything I'm feeling right now.. shock, scare, shivering... and I'm afraid of tomorrow((
it's so terrible - nobody remembers a person with good memories, good words... almost everybody just think not about a person, they think: "Well, how much money do we have right now?".
I came here today and I want everything to be finished as soon as possible! It's a nightmare! I don't believe it happened!!! It CAN NOT BE!
My dear grandma, you'll be in my heart and I'll love you anyway. I'm glad that you don't see what's going on here now( cause it's a real hell.

Oh God, I wish everyone just one thing - love and appreciate your life and love your close people. And let them know that you love them, it's very important - to know...(

Yesterday awful accident happened... I knew that a lot of people died, but one detail which I learned just today in the morning shocked me.
After this I believe in God, really. And I can't relax, my hands are still shivering and I just can't say anything...
I'm just shocked! I wanna hug someone who can support me and say: "everything will be fine, don't worry".
:(((

Everything I want - is just to be indifferent to everything-everything!
I want my f*cking headache to stop.
I want to sit on the window of 30th floor and listen to music, like Scarlett Johansson in "Lost in translation". I wanna go to rainy Tokio.
Again I'm listening to a bit depressive and thoughtful "Death Cab For Cutie" and their "Your heart is an empty room".
Byt he way their "Transatlanticism" is the best rainy song EVER! When I'm listening to it, I see raindrops on the window glass...
Oh God, I need to come back to Che...
Only big cup of "Nesquik" can make me feel better.

Today was day of my inspiration - I spent 5 hours (!!!) in the kitchen cooking and exploring meals! My brother came to Ozersk today for operational meeting and then he came to visit us) he saw all that I did, laughed and said: "What happened??"))) And of course it was pleasant for me to see my parents' faces when they came home.
The main point is an inspiration and desire. Food is the same thing as paints, pastel or pencil. Cooking - is an art. With all this even I can be good as woman)
I'm trying to be better and better.
Days without alcohol - about 70.
Days without meat - 28.
Days without cigarettes - 5.

Things to do:
-Stop drinking coffee.
-Keep away from smoking.
-Use only healthy products.

Now I feel good, cause my life seemed to find a new meaning. I got motivation for doing real actions. I know what I really want.
I'm calm, not nervous. I even almost feel happy. I don't think about details and don't concentrate on single words. I focus on general things and events. Past, present and future. I'm in love with my own life.
And now I know one thing exactly - it's not the end.

Commercial movie of Apple "Think different". I love it, because it's forcing to think, to move forward, to forget about all that things which we used to call "troubles". Just live your idea, live your dream.
While I'm at home, I'm watching National Geographic channel all the time. And I asked myself.
Why do we know that Earth is a sphere?
Why we can see the stars?
Why do we know what is going on on the moon?
Because great people who followed their idea did all these discoveries not because they wanted to discover something, but because they just did what they love.
In AIESEC we used to say: "You can! Face this challenge! Impossible is nothing!". We used to read useful books about self-development, we set "smart"-goals... we're growing up ourselves with these ideas. And it's really great, because we're sure - there is no any borders - political, social, personal, religious, national... AIESEC is an organization who grows up a new generation of people - people who don't know what means "I can't".
My LC set a goal to make 20 incoming exchanges till 1st of january. At the beginning I didn't believe, but they matched 9 TNs for 1 week. I'm proud)
I set a goal to make my dream true.
What? Challenge? Of course I can! Thanks AIESEC-style of thinking :)

Few hours I was watching old photos - my family since beginning of XX century. Grand-grand-parents, grand parents, just my mom and dad and we :) and a lot of other relatives. The whole crowd)
That old black-and-white pictures are so beautiful, it's real art. Not like modern photos. That ones are so natural, sincer...people at them are happy! When you look at them it seems like it were "happy times" for our country and for family. Time of USSR. That old photos are special - I think nowadays photographers will never be able to take pictures like that.
The whole evening I was scanning some pictures, I want to have them on my laptop.
It's like a miracle - realization that without all that people who lived about 100 years ago you wouldn't be here right now. People whom you even don't know and have never seen. People in strange clothes, strange places you've never been... But it's my history)
We have pictures which were taken even before the Revolution - it means end of XIX-beginning of XX century.
All that people lived, fell in love, participated in wars and revolutions, changed places of their living... and the result - me!!! In the middle of nowhere in 2009 year :)
It's amazing!

Disappointment of the day - National Geographic stopped showing "Taboos". Shit yaa! I was waiting for it the whole day - moment when I come home and can watch it! Blya.
People in safety masks are everywhere. This is a modern plague - we're killing ouselves through self-suggestion "OMG!! It's a swine flu, SWINE FLU!!". I think everything is only in our minds - if you think "Ooh, I'm so afraid to get sick" - you'll be sick finally; if you think "I'm happy and healthy" - you'll be.
Question of the day - WHY? my thoughts are materializing. But not for me. For other people and who ABSOLUTELY don't need it!!!
Feeling of the day - confidence.

Absolutely free day, just for myself. The whole day is a self-reflection about everything - past, present, future... My friends for today are piece of paper, pen and pastel. It's easier and more effective to imagine, visualize and draw things, than just to think about it.

A lot of reflection about AIESEC. Who am I now? I have full @ XP, but not alumni, I don't want to be an alumni yet. When I couldn't go to our local conference and facilitate there because of some external conditions, my mom said: "Calm down, they don't need you. Your time has passed". At that moment I was full of indignation. And understood - they'll never understand it. That AIESEC isn't an ordinary student club, that it isn't "just for fun", and it isn't for a couple months... AIESEC - is a half of life, you share your soul with things you do there, with all that people... it's more than just "one more stage during studentship". I'm thinking about plans for next term - what will I do? what will be my role? where will I be? what do I really want? and what I'm able to do for it?

And maybe all that values given us by society are wrong? That standart plan which I hate... The thing is that everytime you have to be responsible, and not just for yourself, but also for people who cares about you - at first your family and their expectations from you. My parents said: "When we'll see diploma of higher education in your hands we'll be unworried". And this is my responsibility - to study right here and right now. But of course your family always expects that you'll be so "good daughter", that you'll do everything as they teached you, as they expect from you. That you won't make them worry about you. But at the same time I have to say big "Thank you" to my family, because they support my ideas (almost all of them) if I say: "I'll be happy if I do that, it'll be better for me" and if my idea is real and won't bring any harm. This is true love. It's not egoism, it's love, they love me and respect my words.

And thanks God nowadays I don't have certain intentions. I have a lot of them, but still can't choose right. In other case I'd give up everything here and I could go to the end of Earth for my goals and dreams...

One thing definetely I know - is that my summer exams will be finished at the end of May-beginning of June. And I have to do my practice in some company before it. In that case I can be free from June till September. I want to do something with these 3 summer months :)

***

Movie "Memoirs of geisha" is great! All that 2 hours I was watching it without any break! Very beautiful, with deep meaning and philosophy... about striving, will, nobility, self-sacrificingness, dream and love. And it made me compare woman's role at that time there and nowadays - and image of today's woman isn't really attractive. I'd learn how to be like them - how to be an actress) Because the true wise woman is an actress, but not all women can do it. Any woman is a spring flower.

And one more thing I thought about during this film - is about my sister. I'll die if somebody tell me: "You won't see her anymore".

Take your mobile, call your family, hear their voices and value them. Right here, right now.

My university is in quarantine till 23 of November.

I did semester project about federal taxation for 3 days. Hard days are coming, session is coming.

Today was meeting with Dana) I had just 1 hour for spending time with her, but we enjoyed it very much! We were at coffee-house, at my favourite place in this city!) We had not so much time, but discussed everything))) I'm so happy to see someone who're enjoying his job and everything he does, because it's a mission of his life) and Dana is so happy! She'll go to India in January with her boyfriend for about 1 month! 1 year of work in EB made us good friends with her - she is a person with whom I can discuss emotions, feelings, meaning of life...she's my soulmate)

Then with Natasha we went to Tanya's house. After her yesterday call we decided: she needs an urgent meeting with us. Sometimes there is situation when you're totally confused, you think: "I have to cut it from my life", but you can't and you need help. Lots of help. This meeting was really hard and emotional... We all are worrying about Tanya and I'm still thinking about all this situation. Everything is always so complicated... Main point for me from this - if something (someone) stopped bring you a happiness and became a habit and routine - run!!! If you're not happy anymore and just cry all the time - give it up and run! Even if it's painful, fuck it, just say "goodbye" and live your life.

Today I realized that the "real life" isn't coming, it already came! Today Natasha bought vitamins, she's preparing for pregnancy. She want a baby so much! omg!!! very-very soon I hope she'll say: "I'm pregnant!". And who knows, maybe after 1 year we'll go for a walk with her and her little baby :) really... I can't believe it! I remember her wedding like it was yesterday! Today I understood - she is the most wise woman I know! She is just 21, but really... She's so ready for real family, for being a mom, her point of view about everything is so wise... and all her words today when we were with Tanya just proved it.

New life is coming soon... Natasha is preparing for maternity, Tanya is ready to finish this outdated relationship and start a new life from nothing, Sasha is enjoying her relationship and gonna move to London for carreer (actually I don't think she'll go, I'm sure she'll stay for her guy and marry him). And me. For getting married, for having a family you should be a very brave person. To do it means to dare, to trust, not to be afraid... I'm not so brave, and nearest 5 years I won't be, I'm sure. I'll be somewhere looking for new challenges, but not sitting with husband and with baby on my arm)

My dear girls... I want them to be happy and with lots of joy I'll share their happiness:)

I've lived a chapter called "my perfect life". I'm tired of memories, of constant comparing my life "before" and "after". So many stories, so strong emotions, so emotional impulses... all kinds of emotions - from hateness to unbearable happiness and readiness to stay forever... it was my brightest year.

How long one person like me can stand this condition? Missing, waiting, communications with dear people through miles... 1 year is enough, I can't anymore. I have to change something, I have to switch over to something else, no matter what.

My dear island which is always emerald for me, island of love... I'll always save you in my heart, remember your purple waves, amazing sunrises and deep blue sky. There is no place on Earth which I'll love more than you ever. Because you're special for me, and always will be. Even if I'll never come back. Especially if I won't.

Though I can't delete all that memories, I can make it my ancient history, keep it somewhere far-far away and remember just sometimes.

I'll try to treat myself for this addiction.

Today wonderful snow was falling. White and pure. A lot of snow. And it won't melt anymore.

Unfortunately people are not like this snow. No one, NO ONE.

You know me even better than you know yourself. We know each other more than 3 years. You told that I'm selfish. Yes, I am. For you I always will be selfish. You know me too good. I was "too myself" with you. You know how you can hurt me. And you did it. So thank you. Almost 2 years I could do with you whatever I wanted and I could get from you anything I want. But I didn't. I didn't want to take all that presents you gave me, you know it...You was mine, but I wasn't with you. Then finally I gave up and even a little bit fell in love with you. We broke up 1 year ago. Even our friendship was finished 1 month ago. We don't talk anymore. And this time I hope will be the last one. I hope finally our story is over. After this thing that you did - you're son of a bitch, and you know it.

And fuck off, bastard!

Rule #1: People are the most dangerous entity. Everybody are dangerous. Just we should know rules of behaviour which we can use with each other. It's like with poisonous animals - we can take it in our hands and make them our pet, just we should know HOW.

Rule #2: Don't trust. What? Love? Fuck love! I said DON'T TRUST!

"So trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions."

movie "He's just not that into you"

Really, why do we always think that if he behaves like a bastard - he likes you?
The man who really likes you will do everything to win you.

-Why he's not calling me?
-Just because he didn't like you. It's simple.

Everytime actual "Sex and the city"

Even if any rule has an exception, it is better not to waste your time for thinking that you are THAT ONE exception.

Spontaneous going to the cinema)) "Let's go to the cinema?". Just like this. Ira and Sasha persuaded me to go to this fucking meat chopper-film "Saw VI". Fuuuck yaa! I don't watch these movies cause I know - I won't sleep after it! But we bought tickets and went)) We were watching it in a front row!!! At lots of moments I just closed my eyes with hands) It's so cool when you can devote time just to friends. Any relationship is a work and without support they will slowly die. Sometimes you think: "Oh no, I'm so tired, I won't go for a walk with somebody". You think - this friendship is so old and nothing serious happen if you won't meet with your friend. But small rejections like this are invisible destructors - they destroy friendship, relationship like a wind destroys the Pyramids - very slowly. And I do like this very often, unfortunately... when I come to my hometown, sometimes I even don't tell somebody that I came, because I want to spend my time with family and don't want to "waste" time with friends, cause usually my visits home is just a couple days, so little time... But yes, I'm not right. If for example we call and meet our boyfriend/girlfriend every day, so why friends are worse? ANY relationship is a great daily work.

***

Yesterday Tanya came and we were drinking coffee, sharing news, discussing everything... I didn't see her since I went to Cyprus - so about 4 months!! It's the longest period of parting since our meeting! I was so glad to see this smiling girl with long shiny hair and big black eyes with whom I've been living for 3 years:) We were like real grown-upped friends discussing a "big life" - relationship, job, tiredness, Moscow, common friends, problems, plans, future kids, married friends... And I thought: "Time is so fast so it seems that I even don't have enough time to finish my cup of coffee".

***

Listening to "Stateless"-U2, wrapping myself warm in blanket and drinking coffee. I don't drink alcohol and don't eat meat, but the only 2 things I can't reject for a while - are cigarettes and coffee. But I'm on the way!)

A little bit sad. Memories don't let me sleep properly. And missing. I miss Oriana, Ugur, Saif, Samet... I miss absolutely everybody who was this summer with me, but these people became really close persons to me...

I miss Oriana's energy, professionalism, her laugh, her BROWNIES!!!))) hahah)) I told about her my LC and said: "Thats a real AIESECer!". Of course our "trouble-4"))) I wish I go to New York for Cristmas...

I miss Ugur, his jokes, his "hey, why didn't you bring me Baltika-3 from Russia, hah??", miss walkings, conversations about everything and his "You're maniac!!!"...

I miss Saif and sitting in front of dorm till sunrise) miss that jokes and that times, riddles and his "hey, man!!!" with this accent:))) Our adventures) So great my last days there!

Miss Samet and his "Hi canim" with this special face, my little brother, so funny when he's drunk:))I'm saving his earring he gave me before my bus to the airport.

I'm saving all the things I brought from Cyprus and look at them, read them from time to time. Things of memories are everywhere - on my hands, on my fingers, in my ears, on my wall, on my bag, in my bag, on my neck, everywhere! I didn't take off 2 necklaces from Ugur and Saif and they are still on my neck.

It's really hard not to think about it, not to remember it every moment or even forget... 2 months passed since my leaving Cyprus, but I still cry. I even can't imagine what should be happen to make me forget Cyprus and all that people. This time is much more worse, than I came back from Cyprus in February... I miss more, much more!!! Really, I didn't expect that.

In this point I'm finally lucky - I fond my geographical place from first attempt.

Film "vicky cristina barselona". People wear big cities like business suits in the morning, but express their real emotions only in vacation in relaxing atmosphere, in unusual conditions... And very often this experience changes the whole their life. Why?

Wanna international experience. It's my drug. Here is Tracie, but she came to study russian and she already speaks russian very well... she is already not foreigner for me :) So even with her I can't feel that magical spirit and atmosphere.

I'd go for internship somewhere again! Today I imagined situation - what if I find on the street 1,000,000 rub, what would I do? And one of the firsts points was "I'd go to Cyprus right tomorrow".

Our LC suddenly set goal to realize 21 X till 1st of January. Hahaha. No, it's not that I don't support them, I do. But I don't believe. They realized just 1 incoming exchange by themselves from the beginning of term, and they want to do 21 now??? No-no. It's not their nature and spirit.

Manana said on LC meeting: "Imagine you meet New Year in a company with 21 international interns!". I remembered my summer with more than 21 foreigners and thought: "No, they can't imagine it".

Oh God, send me 1,000,000 rub from heaven yaaaa!!!!!! And I sware next day evening I'll be in Cyprus!!!!

Today Ira came back from conference. When I saw her in the morning, suddenly I realized how much I missed her, how strong is our connection and how much I felt this "lack of Ira" this week.

Our MC VP ER, our coach Manana finally came to visit our LC) That words which did she say on our LC meeting made me to look at our LC in a new way. Yes, I know that my term 08-09 was the best, we achieved ambitious goals, we got 2 national awards... and also I know that this term 09-10 they don't make any growth, even any sustainability... for them managing LC is a kind of fun and they are still that kids in kindergarden. That was a right reason why before elections I didn't send my LCP application, and I don't regret. Because the team you work with is a very important factor.

I don't want to be an alumni yet. I want to make great changes for our LC, I want to be an LCP or in MC abroad. And today seriously I thought about it again. But there is too many things why I can't do it just because of some conditions. Sometimes our "I want" don't match with our "I can":(

I came to dorm and with Sasha we watched a movie "The stroll". We started to watch it because the action is in St.Petersburg and both of us love this city too much!!) But I liked this film a lot! Then we were talking and talking for 3,5 hours... we discussed our relations, our friendship, at 1 a.m. we called Tanya and decided to meet tomorrow)) I love my dorm girls) It's a special life and I want to enjoy every moment of it. We discussed everything - personal, men, women, goals for life, memories... To talk the whole evening, to drink coffee with cigarettes... I like these special for me moments. Moments of emotional closeness. Warm and comfortable. There are not too much people with whom I can talk like this, open my soul and trust...

We talked about lots of things...

Love at first sight exists, real men who make first steps first exist, signs of destiny exist. And honest relationship without any tips and tricks also exist.

And I realized - all my haughty opinions and words to people who can't live without and depends on their "special someones", are going to be married or just dreaming about marriage - all these words for nothing! And for nothing I gibe at them and tell that "cooking dinners are coming soon", "in a wink you'll become a wife in a dressing gown" and etc. Maybe all this is THAT ONE actual love when you already don't want to go to the end of Earth, you don't want to rush and you're ready to sacrifice all your dreams or goals for this love? You're ready to sacrifice yourself for staying with that "special one", for "Mr.Big", and everything what do you want is just to dress up "dressing gown" and to go to cook dinners?

Maybe I just didn't feel it yet. And concessions, and waive your interests for someone... and meanwhile don't consider your "woman rights" as pinched?

Maybe all these things is a real love which I didn't experence yet?

Anyway it can happen with anyone of us) one day.

Little discoveries which make me review all my opinions are amazing every time. And at the same time they make me think: "omg! Maybe it's just ME? Maybe just I'm yielding?"

And one more conclusion we made today is that more stable relationship begin not with "random hot look" taken at someone, but at first with realization of emotional connection and dependence on this person.

Today was a definetely good day.

Maybe it's just a short-term weakness related with all these questions in my head. Maybe it's just a hard time. And I just need support.

Oh God, I hope I'll never never never be like thousand others whose life-style I always despised.

I hope my ambitions didn't die.

One day everything will be fine. One day...

This weekend passed with 2 subjects I was thinking about:

-family and dear people

-my own destination

Yesterday was totally useless day. I didn't oversleep 2 lessons of HR management. This woman who is teaching us makes me sick. Thanks AIESEC - I can tell our group about HR much more better than she does! So during these lessons I was reading book about Salvador Dali.

It was cold and foggy, but I wanted to walk a little, so I went to Arbat, visited all the book-stores there and in one of them security-guy came to me and said: "Excuse me, do you have book in your bag?". I said: "It's only mine. Don't touch, it's Salvador Dali!". I'll never forget his face)))hahaha))

And then when I came home for about 3-4 hours we were watching with Natasha movies which fucked our brains)) One of them is russian film "The return" which took an award on the Cinema Festival in Cannes. I was shocked. And others were about alternative history, about ancient treasures of East. OMG!!! These facts they were talking about there, it exploded all my previous views and everything what I knew before!

"Aha"-moment of the day: Yes, yes, I liiike it!

At the end of the day I remembered Cyprus and there were too much emotions...

Sunday.

Point of the day - don't be an egoist.

Feeling of the day - guilt. My brother with his wife and daughter came to Che today. And I didn't spend enough time with my niece( When they were going back home she was upset and almost cried that I couldn't go with them. My little girl, my darling princess... why I didn't come there earlier for having more time with her? Though I knew that she's missing me very much and waiting for me every time... And she is just a child.

At the same time, happiness of the day - my niece) since we met today we didn't set our hands free and everytime were hugging each other))) Definetely child love is the purest and sincerest love in the world!!! And my little princess makes me soooo fucking happy!! I love her more than somebody else in this world)

And I miss my dear freaks who are on the conferences now! I want them to come back faster, cause it's too hard to drive somebody mad alone :)

Situation of the day:

We're hugging each other with sister and brother all together)

Phrase of the day:

My sister: "We love you soooo muuuch, our dear bro!"

My brother: "Yes, definetely there is something like this :D"

Feeling of this weekend - love!