I'm trying... trying to be normal.

But I have one hidden talent - to fuck up everything I touch.

:(

Today Linguistics Department traditionally celebrates Halloween - everything is decorated and students were going to lessons dressed according to Halloween-style) For this I love linguistics department - for dipping into other culture. And my english class was relatively successful) Our teacher even was laughing! Though for 2 years I've never seen her laughing) When the teacher is positive I love the subject even more, especially if it's english.

Watched pictures of ancient places. I was sooo impressed, so my heart almost jumped out of my chest! One day I'll be there!!!

I couldn't keep silence, so I called my mom and told her that I'm thinking about writing research study about sociology and religions, or about sociology and arts. She just said: "It's up to you if it helps you in self-determination". These words made me happy! No judging, no "for what?" etc. etc. Maybe finally they understood that it's useless - to try to change me?)))

Even boring accounting and taxation have meaning for me now - I have to get scholarship in next semester and I have to get these 2 diplomas with good marks. My dreams and goals are stimulating me to study even this bullshit.

Thats a power of vision:)

And what push you forward?

This week I've been watching russian cinema.

At Soviet period till 90s our cinema generally was devoted to patriotism, history or it was comedies with morals and of course with elements of Soviet system such as five-year plans, fathfullness to government and etc.

And in my opinion the most provocative was movie "Dog's heart" (by Mikhail Bulgakov novel), 1988. Mockery at system and time, government and social phenomenas. Still Bulgakov is a genious among all the russian writers ever!

Nowadays russian cinema is living reburth, it has 2 branches - stupid meaningless films (like american comedies) for watching just 1 time. Not important actually. Our pop-singers should express somehow their "actor talent" as they evaluate it. These are movies without any message, idea, expression or provocation. For them it's just a way of earning big money.

And the second is - films for "thinking audience", dramatic and emotional, you can watch it million times and they're becoming new classic. It's cinema not about bourgeois, it's about ordinary people, about their destinies and personal dramas inside of personality - complicated, deep, tangled.

Our young film directors are creating cinema of new generation.

I just feel that I'm becoming attached. I'm happy and sometimes I can't believe that even little things make me happy. I like everything. It's exactly what I like. Maybe just he knows it or maybe he is just like this.

I'm already addicted.

I'm happy with every message. When I read it I can hear his voice and imagine his face. It makes him closer than these miles and time.

And I miss sunrises which I can't watch here:(

But just I'm afraid and don't want to be hurt again.

I don't know what should I do in such situations like this.

I just want to be there.

-Soviet system isn't just a system, it's a way of thinking. I always said - Soviet unioun will die only when all the people who was born there will die. Including us. It's cynical, but it's true.

-why some people get 0,1% of power and they imagine that they rule the world? I call it "syndrome of cleaner".

-I lost my appetite. But I started to sleep better.

-arrived at the notion that I'm smiling everytime when I get next sms. I can swear at these moment my eyes are shining. Today while walking on the street I lifted up my eyes and looked around - everything is grey and gloomy. But not for me. I was smiling)

Situation of the day:

N.: (looking at the pictures of women with closed faces in Yemen in my "Esquire") wtf? is it introduction service?

me: ???

N.: Look! But there is written if she married or not!

No comments.

Was looking for inspiration and bought Esquire magazine. I've read it before and I love it! Today I bought my first Esquire) It's not magazine for men - it's magazine for men and not-blondie-woman:)) I love good photos, stories, right news and extraordinary points of view there. In this november issue there are photos from Africa - french fashion performed by african people and photos "what is your dream?" where random people answered the question "which thing would make you happier?". These pictures are beautiful and they exploded my brain. People from the poorest countries in luxurious clothes and on the background views of poor reality. It makes you think.

Also stories of Americans who cardinally changed their life. I thought: at 20 life is not ending and everything is not so tragical as I think.

I love it - right answers at right moments. When you're lost and can't find the answer, you read some random thing or see something on TV and suddenly you find exactly YOUR answer.

I call it signs of destiny. And if I follow it, later I see - it was right choice!

So, listen to your heart and follow the signs!

And there was a series of photos of women of Yemen. They were asked questions:

-3 main characteristics of your future husband

-what should Western countries know about islamic world

-your hidden talents

-your repetitive dream

-what do you think about niqab

-if you'd have an opportunity to meet with historical person, who would it be?

-into what animal would you like to turn?

their answers are so different, so honest and simple.

Well, I'm inspired.

Thoughts of the day:

-we usually oversleep our lessons with Ira at the same time. And even without any agreement. And even through kilometres and places. HOW???

-teacher of Business english still stands us, cause we understand everything what she says and we're able to speak English and discuss something. Though she knows that we don't do any hometasks)

-as said our sociology teacher - "Family is a cell of society". And only such phenomena as "family" can prevent and stop social cataclysms, it's unique. But nowadays the word "divorced" became quite usual. And "divorce" means "it's already not full-fledged family". So, does it mean that our society is broken and we're on the cusp of social crisis? (though it already came). I guessed so - the end of the world will be not some accident come from the space and everyone will die, no! It'll be mental death of society. And probably we're on the way.

-with lots of happiness I'd do a scientific investigation with topic "Sociology of arts" or "Civilization and religions". But...

-Ira goes to Novosibirsk for 1 week. She'll meet Katya :( I want too:( And I realized that I'll miss my little hamster soooso much! Who will laugh with me during the lessons?..

-fond all the cards, notes and "sugarcubes" from Cyprus... Miss even more!

-awful headache:( fuck, maybe it's transmitting?

-this snow isn't melting!!!! Don't believe that winter came. Long boring dark winter... "I can't live in this coooold country!" (c) Ira today in the morning. Me too. I suppose I have allergy to the cold.

A real happines - is a feeling when you see someone who are:

-in love

-inspired

-happy

-successful

and when you see it, you're happy for this person:)

you're just happy that he/she is happy.

Natasha is planning her trip to India. Since that time when I put a map of the world on my wall, every evening she comes and looks at it) Every evening she tells me the same words as I told her one time: "You can. Just believe in it".

it's a law or return :) you give and get it back in double size :)

Law of happiness!

Music of the day - Gipsy Kings. Music of sun and happiness!!!

Perhaps I'll watch "Frida" one more time - I love her too much and it's too mexican mood last days!

I think Mexico gets the next place in my heart after Eastern countries.

I was walking, looking at these people, at this town...and I was thinking about situations, when I judge them. No, it's not right, I'm not right. I judge them for their life-style, for their provincial worldview, for their: "how is Chelyabinsk?". Today I imagined - if I live here, I would think like this too, cause there is no way for global thoughts, just because people in this town have good salary, their living conditions are comfortable...for what do they need the rest of the world? They are just relatively self-sufficient. And sometimes I feel jelaous. They have everything, they just have to take it. This university - then directly to this atomic factory with huge salaries, then family, children, and everything is so comfortable for living here. Apartments, prices, even this fucking taxi for 50 rub aroung the city!! You want to see another country? Go and buy a ticket to Turkey, Egypt or Thailand - everybody do it! My friends who live here will achieve their "I have everything"-point of life rather faster than me, for example. Maybe because our "comfortable-points" are situated on different levels? Or maybe they are more lucky than me, just I didn't understand it before. Maybe all my rush is just useless?
Today I saw first snow here. Olesya came to me and we were sitting in the kitchen, I was drinking milk with cookies and we were sharing news. Then we went for a walk, it was terrible, cause I wasn't ready for this cold! Moreover it was snowing!! I'm shocked cause it's just october!!
Tomorrow I'm coming back to Che. I want and I don't want at the same time. Here I don't think about problems, here I don't have insomnia, here is just so warm and comfortable...sometimes I miss this life. And maybe those who says: "I'll come back to my hometown" are right? Maybe this life is just more suitable for future? For what do I want to get success, if I can have just everything which is necessary here? And with my 2 diplomas I would get very cool job here.
And just 1 question: "For what am I fucking my brain too much???"

But doubtfully scheme "challenge-achievment-challenge-achievment" will be available here. Without it and a lot of other things I don't feel a taste of life.

Yesterday my cat cought fire. I lighted candles and my cat came, sat near it, then turned and suddenly I saw - her hair are burning!!! Omg!!! And my cat is lucky that she even wasn't afraid, she just was like: "wtf??", before she noticed a fire on her side, I ran to her and extinguished this fire by my hands! It was a little fire, but I was fucking scared! Now my cat is ok, but a little bit without hair:(( I'm still laughing at this case)
Right now my burned Kira is lying on my knees and purring) happy:)

Points of today:
-my parents are role model for me. They shouldn't be afraid of success, they deserved it. Hope after this event they'll go to Paris finally:) together) They know what means "to achieve". Proud to have such parents:)
-I reached that age and that point when I can discuss men and relationship with my mom:)
-don't set fire somewhere near animals)

Talked to Ksu and happy for her!!! This situation inspired me - thoughts are materializing! When you do something because your soul wants it, all the conditions come to help you:)

Again I can't sleep! I'm sick of it!!!

I can't sleep cause there is a heating system already works and it's too hot. Fuck, why did they turn it on so early? It's not a winter!! Look at the thermometer! Motherfuckers!

And my fucking neck doesn't let me sleep and live comfortable. Who knows, how to remove tension of neck muscles? I've even read about it: "unexpressed emotions and fear". Fuck, I don't care about it, I just want to sleep! I can't relax it and sometimes it's BURNING!

One day these little nothings come to you all together and drive you to tears.

After 3,5 hours I should get up, after 4,5 hours I have class.

This is really blya-situation.

rrrrrr :(((

Yesterday I checked my e-mail and saw one unpleasant mail from LC member. It wasn't related with me directly. But I couldn't resist it and answered. I posted funny picture from cartoon and wrote a little fairy-tale) it was gibe of course) then Sasha answered) and we laughed a lot) yes, maybe I'm a bastard sometimes, but I do it only in return. Then Ira called me and said: "Do you want to have a breakfast in McDonald's?")) it was 4 in the morning. Of course I want! So we met with Ira and Sasha, walked to the bridge, sat a bit there, then went to McDonald's and had a breakfast)) also we wanted to go to cinema at 9 a.m., but then decided that we're too sleepy for it)

I like actions like this - spontaneous and crazy. When we were walking the city was empty and dark, and when I was coming back to my dorm, the bus was full of people who was going to uni or to work. I came back about 8.30 and went to sleep.

Woke up at 3 p.m. Sasha called me and said: "heeey, did you forget? We wanted to have a cup of coffee together in cafe!!". Oh shit. I forgot. And still I wanted to sleep after that crazy night. But I got dressed and met her. I bought iced coffee with ice-cream topping and Sasha said: "There is wonderful cake, you should take it!". I saw this cake - the same like in "Cinar pastanesi" in Famagusta(((( Of course I took it. Again we discussed our plans to escape after graduation. With her we always discuss it) Then we walked a bit and I saw travel agency, it's name was "Bosporus". Fuck fuck fuck. Maybe it's nothing, maybe I just notice these details everytime and everything is just a randomness? And everytime I think that it's a sign! It's stupid, but I can't get it out of my head...

Filled up application for being a mentor. This time I'll take just 1 mentee, but I want to grow up a really great leader. I believe I can do it. While I was filling it up, I thought: "Fuuuck..I already have full aiesec experience! I know lots of things and can share anything with my mentee and tell lots of things". I felt so old) And it's a little bit sad - I got this experience so fastly.

Anyway I'm happy. In a measure I feel self-sufficient. Inspite of all that problems which seem a huuuge troubles for me now, I know - it all will pass. I'm happy. I have a goal, dream, people whom I love. Friendship and just tender relationship. I'm not alone if I feel this connection. And miles are not a problem, the main thing that I feel closeness.

When I was walking to the cafe I felt it as never before - I'm free, young, dreaming and definetely I'll get everything what I want.

I just know it.

Everybody already talks about New Year - how, where, with whom bla bla...

I would spend New Year week in Cyprus. And it would be like this:

Night. 00.30 a.m. of January, 1. I'm sitting on the stairs of white house (one of those at the seaside), it's my house and I decorated it according my own design. I'm looking at the sky. Light warm wind...At this moment sky is not black - it's like a rainbow because of exploding fireworks and salute. I would make fireworks on the beach)) My house is full of my friends and at that moment I would do a last puff at sigarette, take a sip of wonderful milkshake with ice-cream (like in "Shakespeare"), close my eyes, take a deep breath and think with a smile: "Fuck, it's the best New Year in my life!". I think the weather in Cyprus is perfect in December. And Cyprus like a paradise even more. Green grass and flowers, t-shirt at day and gloves at night - discrepant weather. In winter! But it's perfect weather for me)

***

I remember... 26 of January-09. About 4 a.m. Ekaterinburg airport. A lot of snow, fucking cold (about -20) and blizzard. I'm in a light coat and my red-blue scarf. Even without hat. I'm ready for the best travel ever)

Still 26 of January, about 9 a.m. (Ist time). I'm walking on the boarding bridge, looking around and my brain is living slow collapse - I see green grass and bright sun at the end of January! At that moment I died! Welcome to Turkey, baby!))

***

Today I saw wooonderful clay caps and realized - my dream it is my house. It'll be snow-white. Because white colour against the background of blue sky - it's perfect combination. It'll have huuuge windows, so at the day my house will be full of sunshine. I'll decorate it. And the colours of rooms will be different - full of contrasts and combine incompatible things. I can make it beautiful. Yes, I want to have my own house. Warm comfy place. Spacious. And everyone can come in any time. Dinners with friends and family. I'm ready for independent life. But I won't be a housewife with a lot of children to sit at home and manage all this stuff)) It's the only one thing which is like a nightmare for me - wedding gown at the beginning and everybody happy and smiling, then children etc., etc., and lots of troubles. No no.

Every man to his taste. (c) popular wisdom

yes, I don't remember when I really cried last time. I think it was in Moscow airport.

And today was that moment which supposed to become a relaxation and let my emotions be.

What did I expect? I had to be more clever in this situation, more wise. And from now on I won't share my plans and dreams with those who can't understand it and support me. And they will not make me cry anymore.

I'm not weak and I will survive.

#1

New York, I Love You is a collective work of eleven short films, with each segment running around 10 minutes long. Some of the actors have international status (Natalie Portman, Shia LaBeouf, Hayden Christensen, Orlando Bloom), with each shooting their part in one of New York'sfive boroughs. Similar to the previous film, Paris, je t'aime, the shorts presented together will not relate but will all tie into the common theme of finding love.
#2
The film follows the individuals of six unrelated love stories from around the world, some ending in happiness and some ending in tragedy.

I want to watch these movies on sundays in the morning in cinema)

aaaa take me to the cinema somebodyyy!!!

Our life always consists of 2 choices: "I want" and "I have to". And again this crossroads:

1. Opportunity to be OCP of project I dreamed when came to Aiesec! And I have its vision! - "I want!!"

2. I can't apply for it because I have to work and I won't have enough time for project. - "I have to".

Moreover:

1) there is already 1 candidate who wants to be project manager so much and I don't want to steal this opportunity. Maybe someone needs this development more than me right now.

2) I already have great experience in Executive Board and to be a project manager now would be step back.

But:

1) The project like this was my dream..

2) I don't want to take a break in my Aiesec experience

3) I was a coach of similar project

But on the other hand:

1) I have plans for next year

2) It would be better to focus on one thing - it'll be more effective

3) I refuse this opportunity for better things, so I can say that my "I have to" is "I HAVE TO do it for my other I WANT". It's only a question of time.

And maybe I already overgrew this step and it's time to play real games?..

I shouldn't dissipate my energies! Focus on! Focus on!

Eventually it's just an idea.

Yesterday was "Coco Chanel" party in Ira's house) We wanted to watch movie "Coco before Chanel", but...just wanted)) I watched this movie before and everytime everywhere I'll say: "She is genious!". Strong independent woman with hard destiny. I just admire her. Frida and Coco - sometimes my role models. When I don't want to do something anymore and ready to give up, I look at their pictures and tell myself: "No, girl. Not at this time. Just stand up, go and do it!".

We were dressed according to Chanel style)) pearl necklaces, little black dresses, immortal Chanel suit, red lips and curly hair) cakes, champagne (tea) and celebrating Ira's birthday) It was great night and I didn't drink alcohol, I drunk tea) In the morning I realized - it's so cool not to drink alcohol!!! You feel good, not tired, you don 't have headache and it's fun - to look at everybody who was drunk))) And now I know it even more - I don't want to drink alcohol! I wanna feel real emotions everytime and everywhere) It was my little personal discovery)

Today was party for newees (I missed it unfortunately), but later we went to sushi-bar with Ira, Ksu and Dana for celebrating Ira's birthday once again but only with the closest people. It was our little "Sex and the city" party)) with sushi (thanks God!!! I was dreaming about sushi last weeks!!) we didn't spend a lot of time together last time, and today was really great)) we discussed everything and everybody)) yes, yes - EVERYTHING! :)

We made flowers from tissues, put it in our hair and took pictures like this)) my flower was red (and red lipstick as always), Ira's - blue and Ksusha's - white))) then a little walk on the night city, laughing and remembering our EB term 08-09)) then walking with Ira and talking about things which are staying only between us, discussing men, relationship, another women etc etc...

I came home and with my girls we watched new episodes "Lie to me" and "House M.D.")) They suggested it and I would say: "mm...nooo...I don't waaant..", but I said: "yes, sure". And I thought: "Hmm. Sometimes I can be a real bore. Like an old woman)". hehe)

So I had wonderful 2 last days)

Today was final interview for our newees. I interviewed 5 people, 30 mins for each. So different - to talk with someone was pleasure, with someone - very hard... as interviewer I have to be neutral, polite (very!!), sensitive, attentive, ask right questions at right moment...and of course - no signs if I'm tired! We selected 25 from 36 people. And now our LC is soooo biiig!!)))) About 50 members!!!)) Our LC is as big as never before!)

Today on interview I asked one guy: "what are your goals for next months?" He asked me in return: "And yours?". I felt like my cheeks are turning red - unexpected situation. I answered and he said: "Wonderful!". I realized - yes, all that I'm planning for next months and 2-3 years is wonderful..

Everybody is so surprised - why eastern countries? Answer is easy: I was born and lived also in eastern country and just I don't see myself in cold Europe or conservative Asia, or America. I love East. It attracts me and I can't resist its mystical spirit.

My alluring East... <3

Watched movie Issiz Adam one more time - I heard turkish language and everything were burn inside of me - I realized HOW MUCH I MISS IT!!!

That man from movie is abaza btw))

And today I bought a lot of stuff and I do creative work)) searching for my hidden talents) hehe:)

Fucking intreview. I expected that it'll be regular trash.

I had a nervous strain and on the way home bought 3 enamels. Light, colour of milk chocolate and dark. They reflect me nowadays - sometimes too kind or nice or dismal. I don't know who am I.

Awful headache during the day.

I wore my pink coat, which I didn't wear for about 1,5 year. I love it) And immediately I noticed - people are looking at me. Sometimes attention should rise up our self-concept and our mood.

1 english lesson. Our teacher is angry as always and she promised to expel us. I imagined that: 1,5 years before graduation we are almost fucked. I love english. But not these bare translations of economic articles lesson by lesson, and even without practicing our speaking. Boring...and what can I do if 75% of our group don't understand anything??

My breakfast was at 5 p.m. in cafe. A lot of coffee.

Then presentation of results of our newees - end of induction week. It was very funny) Every recruitment people are different. Tomorrow we have final interview, I want to get to know them closer.

A walk with Dinar. Talking about everything and nothing. Yes, we're definetely good friends) We can share anything. We were walking, eating bananas with chocolate and drinking soda)) Jumping in empty fountains, singing "Beatles", laughing and talking about relationship, strangeness of life and asking: "wtf is wrong with us?" no one of us can find a real love...that love which will be long, deep, serious... actual love. I love Dinar for his sincerity, openness, spontaneity and honesty. He isn't damaged by someone's influence, he is different. 1 year of working together in Aiesec have done it's work - we became like family)

At the end of day a movie about Coco Chanel. All that I was needed today.

-----

Missing.

Last night I saw nightmare - my wedding. Woke up in a cold sweat. No, thanks!

Just 2 lessons today, 5 points for doing a task and 1 tea with sugar between them.

2 job interviews for tomorrow (I'm sure that they'll disappoint me as always).

Turkish party. I was standing there in a dark hall and telling this public about my experience in Cyprus. When I'm talking about it, I feel that I'm sparkling and shining. But I was looking at their faces and I saw nothing. Stone grey faces. They became too choosy. They don't need a miracle and simple joy of life anymore. They need money, carnal desires and someone who will tell them: "I earned 1 mln USD! And you can do it too!". Capitalist society. At the end as always I asked: "Any questions?". Silence. No questions. Just these fixed faces. At that moment they seemed to me all the same. Like in advertisement Apple Macintosh "1984". And then I thought again: "They are really different. I want to come back to warm people in warm country."

And suddenly I saw Alisa - we studied in one school. She was so inspired, congratulated me with my success in Aiesec and she said: "I've just came back from USA and I wanna go to Czech Republic!!". We were talking about 30 min and I didn't see in her eyes a real motivation to develop her personality and get a professional experience through internship. She said quite honestly: "I wanna spend there my next summer". I remembered 2 ukrainian girls in Cyprus who usually went to the beach instead of university. For me it's offencive. But anyway we'll see.

Met Dana. I didn't see her since june! We had just about 10 minutes to talk. Things she said shocked me. What the hell is going on with us? We thought that we're grown ups, that we know what do we really want to do in this life, but NO! Now we want to choose extremely another things! I have to see her again and talk about it! Our situations are similar and maybe I'll find a solution for myself.

After this we went to turkish cafe "Antalya". Green tea with lemon and baklavaaaaa!! Masha came. I don't know why, but last time I don't like her. I just feel uncomfortable near this person. Especially if she close to me.

Sasha brought cards taro and mysteriously said: "They can help you to find an answer for your question". I don't believe in all these stuff like fortune-telling, card reading and etc. But I tried) Sooo... yes. It wasn't answer, but it was true. Exactly that details which are in my mind last 1,5-2 months. Now I almost know what should I do with this situation which came like a bolt from the blue.

My life is going with constant checking plane ticket prices, looking at picture on my desktop and questions in my head.

By the way I don't drink alcohol anymore. It's just somewhere inside. Just I don't want and don't see any meaning in it. And I smoke 3-4 sigarettes in a day. And even can't finish every single sigarette. It's not a pushing myself. It's "being-in-Cyprus" effect.

Yesterday again I went to bed at 2, but fell asleep just at 5. I thought that a country should be suitable for personal characterisics of each person. The way you grown up, your habits, upbringing, your worldview - with all this stuff you suppose to feel comfortable in your country. And when your characterisics and environment you live don't match - it means you didn't find YOUR PLACE yet. And just you don't have "it's mine!"-feeling. Like me.

A little bit philosophy as always)

You drink expensive and disgusting coffee in airports, you see 2 sunrises in 1 day, you change snow to green grass, you have 3 planes in one day, you hate customs and dry air in the cabin of Boeing or Airbus, you hear "Fasten your seat belts!", you're happy when undercarriage touched the ground...if you had it once, you want to experience it again and again! You're addicted. And it's unique and incredible feeling when you come out of the plane, close your eyes, take first breath, smile and feel... the smell of different world!

This autumn is wonderful. I meet my friends and those who went abroad at first time are planning to do it again in winter or summer. And everytime I meet them I'm smiling and joying, cause we are the same) we became the same. I like to hear news about our EPs - after one internship they go to the end of Earth again and again. I'm smiling on the sly - I know - now their life is changed) like mine)

Last spring it was Dasha - she went to Germany for 1 year for working. I read her posts in blog and happy for her)) she fond her place) I'm proud of this brave 18 years old girl. It was her own decision and she did it!

Katerina Utkina - internsip in India and now I even can't guess where is she, but I'm sure - she fond a paradise.

Yulia - amazing story! During internship in India she fond her love - a guy from Columbia and they're together in Vietnam! I started to believe in miracles of life)

Alina and Paris; Katya and Italy; Olya and India...

And of course me, Ira and Turkey-Cyprus...

I went to bed 2,5 hours ago. I can't sleep. I can't relax. When I close eyes, I think about million things at the same time: summer (last and next), Cyprus, EuroXpro 2010 in Istanbul in March, job, uni, money, I want to go home and spend there 3-4 days, should I take back my cat or not?, which plans do I have for tomorrow?, new ideas are coming into my mind... etc. etc.

I took sedative, and even it doesn't help. I tried relaxing meditation for sleeping, tried not to think about something, but after 2 minutes again thoughts are coming!!!

Now it's 4.25. Actually I have a lesson at 8. And I suppose to wake up after 2h 30min. But I won't go. If I go, probably I'll die somewhere on the way to uni))

This day regimen is killing me and fucking up all my plans for the next day. Even if I wake up at 7, I can't fall asleep earlier that at 2 a.m.

And in this case psychologists would say something like: "You have some unsolved problem which bothers you, thats why you can't sleep". Especially I can't relax neck muscles, my teacher of physical education told that it means that I have unexpressed emotions. Reaction of our body directly related with emotional condition.

Thats a bullshit.

And now I'm hungry. But of course I won't eat at 4.30 in the morning.

Shit.

Again I woke up at 12, then at 3. Half of this day I slept. After breakfast (actually supper) and talking with Ira I started to clean my room, wardrobe and all the shelfs. I don't know how many time did it take, I think about 2 hours, but at the end I saw that I threw out a lot of stuff and now my room looks almost empty). When you throw out some stuff, you feel free and updated)

When I did it I realized - all what happened with me was a sign!

1. When I landed to Chelyabinsk airport from Cyprus, I tried my russian sim-card, but turned out that I have debt on it about $30. And besides that it was unavailable even in Moscow, also in Istanbul and Cyprus! This debt is impossible! So I bought a new sim-card.

2. My brother bought me a new mobile. All that old sms which I saved for memory, stayed in old mobile. I don't have them anymore.

3. Suddenly my facebook account became unavailable!! I don't know why! And again all dear messages disappeared. I created a new one. And of course I already won't add that friends with whom I don't communicate. Even if I want. I'll add only those who are dear for me.

All these facts showed me just one thing - I should delete all old memories, forget everything and start new life without projection past to my present and future.

And now I don't regret that I lost all that threads which connected me somehow with good memories in my life.

Now I have a new connection) And it's even more sincere and tender) I appreciate it very much! And messages in my new mobile are better than some other ones. Even if he's so far, his messages make me warm in this cold autumn...

Yes, one day we have to throw out old garbage inspite of we consider it as a "gold memories". Sometimes it's not, it's just a load which pull us back.

The song of the day - Kylie Minogue "Please stay"

***

At Tuesday will be Aiesec event - Turkish night at one cafe. Like welcome party for all returnees and promotion of internships for new. I have to say something there. It'll be hard, cause I don't want to cut my mind, take that memories about Cyprus and Turkey and show it in public. These memories and my experience are treasures and I feel like I'll be robbed if I tell strangers about it. But why? It's just sharing...

(btw I've just had a deja vu)

My morning began at 3 p.m. Evgen wrote a message: "give me back my book. at what time can I come?". Hahaha. Sounds like "Give me back my toys! I won't play with you anymore!". Fuck off! Who cares?

he: I reserved a place in that brewery. Today is Russia-Germany footbal match, but my girlfriend broke her leg... let's go there together?

me: WTF????

I even couldn't find normal biting words to answer. Just smiled and said: "Of course.. no". I'm not an "emergency exit".

***

I tried to invent a new meal. I called my mom and asked some details. She thinks that finally I'm trying to cook something more complicated than eggs and noodles, I'm thinking: "Fuck, I'm just so hungry! What can I do with all this foodstuff I have? Hmm.."

***

I'm drinking green tea with lemon cup by cup, reading Beigbeder, smoking and thinking: "wt hell am I doing here? I could buy a ticket and go home for a weekend".

***

That warm after yesterday message is still inside of me. Somewhere in the middle, not far from heart. Wish I was there...

***

1.07 a.m. here. Ira's birthday.

Happy birthday, my dear:)

I'm thinking, observing, analysing, catching details... And creating.

Thinking about beauty of the world, people, men and women, characters, talents, details.

I wish I had black hair and dark eyes, for example like spanish or mexican people. All the time I considered european, slavic appearance as faded and wan, so if I had that bright and charismatic appearance, I wouldn't do any make-up!

Or some of turkish girls - it's so awesome - this amazing combination - long black hair and dark-dark green or deep blue eyes!

For what we use make-up, buy alluring clothes, colour hair, wear high-heels and etc.? And all this we do every day, day by day! Creams, lotions, lipsticks, mascara, enamels, blushs, eyeshadows, accessories...kilogrammes of this stuff! For what?

We spend a lot of time in the mornings for being beatiful. Every day. From 10 to 60 minutes.

Most of men think that we do it for them, for their attention. The truth is that...partly) We do it:

-for feeling more self-confident

-for catching men's attention => feeling more self-confident

-for having great mood (at the beginning of the day)

-for being sure that each of us is the queen of the universe

-for feeling that you're a real woman!

-and other very important reasons :)

-(and a little bit for men:) )

I believe in the beauty of every woman) I believe I can do something. I want to achieve, create and stay inspired every single day.

I believe in beauty of people, thoughts, ideas, dreams. I believe, I can. Inspite of everything and contrary to all the rules.

I believe in beauty of love.

Love is the main inspiring factor <3