Today I woke up with a feeling that I want to have a cup of coffee with view of bridge. Remembered morning with coffee from McDonald's with view of Bosphorus. It was unforgettable.

2 days off. What to do? Probably it'll be 2 days of english translation hometasks.

It's +7 in Che and finally we can take off our hats! The weather is wonderful. The question is - who wants to go for a walk and have a glass of milkshake with me?:)

The question which we like to ask during interview: "Imagine that tomorrow is the end of the world. How would you spend your last day?".
It's so interesting to listen the answers, it reflects people's values and priorities.
During last 5 months I'm thinking about it all the time. It's very simple, but when reality makes you suddenly realize this, it shockes you. When just one case opens your eyes, you start to think different.
And the most valuable thing I'm trying to keep in my mind is - there is no "tomorrow", only "now".
And yesterday accident in Moscow.. There is just one thought - live the moment. Life is unpredictable.
And this usual fear - what if I have no time to do something? What if one day can be too late?
Every day live like it was your last day.
Enjoy every second.
Open your window and look at the sky - it's gorgeous!
Call your family and say how much you love them.
Look at the people around - they are beautiful.
Hug your friend and feel the warmth.
Say: "I love you!".
Smile.
Keep the fire and passion in your heart.
Buy a plane ticket and go to the place of your dream.
Meet sunrise.
Don't waste your time for negative emotions. Focus on people you love.
Do things you have never done before.
Follow your heart.
Enjoy your life. You'll never have the 2nd chance. NEVER!
Just now or never.

if, could, would

I don't know why I love to torment myself so much. I don't know why sometimes I like to watch old pictures so much. Why I like to remember people who gone from my life many time ago.

Why I can't delete all that from my laptop. Why I'm still keeping things which remind me.

Usually I don't like to say "what if...", because there is no any "if..", there is just reality and if something haven't happened, it means I should forget about it. Though I let these thoughts come to my mind. What if..?

What if I didn't do mistakes?

What if the curcumstances were different?

What if I could change something?

What if...

Maybe these "what if" exist in my mind cause I feel some incompleteness. Maybe because I didn't have chance to say last word.

If something happens, it means that it's better option. Even if it's something bad, after some time you'll see that it's better than could be. But I can't. I still can't. So many time passed, but it's still in my mind.

My reason knows that that way was better, that anyway we wouldn't have any chance. But my heart still can't get used to it.

I believe in destiny and signs. And every person in my life means something. And someone was really destiny, someone who changed my life. Someone, who made river of life turn to another way.

I prefer to live in reality, but anyway I still believe in miracles. Maybe sometimes there is meaning to say: "What if..."?

Terrorism.

Today in the morning 2 acts of terrorism happened in Moscow subway, in the city center.

2 explosions.

About 38 people died...

Probably some Chechen Republic terrorist organization did it.

First thought is: "WHY???" Oh God, why somebody do it against civilian population??? Why somebody hate my country so much?? Why somebody wants to kill people??

And that bombs were done in that way to make as much harm as it's possible. It was full of some iron stuff to kill as much people as it's possible...

I don't know, I'm just shocked! Everybody in the country shocked!

Why people can't live peacefully??

In such situations it's so hard to stay tolerant.

I love my country and our people so much.

I want to live in peaceful and safe world. How can we do something against terrorism in the whole world?(

Sometimes I feel so small...

Scary...(

What is challenge? Short-term challenge is when you have to do something just once, but it's hard. Like my semester project:) It makes you stronger, makes stronger your will power.

But I prefer long-term challenges. They can be not so obvious, it can look like just changes in your life, but you feel that you're growing, becoming stronger and getting used to work harder. Like life abroad. You're not notice that, but it changes you day by day. I need challenge.

I wanna go to internship:(

Summer is coming...

I want to do so many things. But I have to study and get GPA as high as it's possible. But unfortunately my thoughts are not here and everytime I'm thinking about not that things which I have to think about.

I want to say so many things.

I want to fulfill all my emotional holes and emptiness inside.

I want to express all that I feel.

I want to make time go faster.

I want to graduate as soon as possible.

I want to feel these fucking 2 diplomas in my hands.

I just want to leave, escape, whatever. Far far away. At least for 1 week.

Can miracle happen with me at least 1 time, a?

And I don't want my birthday.

After sleepless nights, doubts and sorrows, I understood what's the problem - I'm that kind of person who needs to have some idee fixe all the time. Without it I'm just dying.

It's better to try and regret, than not to try and regret.

So, let's start do something.

People in motion

Today on the way to my hometown I realized - how much I love road, I love 1st place in the bus with huuuge window in front of you, I love drivers and their music on the radio...
I spent my childhood in trains, cars, buses - thanks God our relatives live all around Russia (unfortunately except Far East) and at school I loved geography cause knew all the directions:) and my mom, she loves travelling and everytime she took me and we went somewhere))
It doesn't matter where you're going - to another continent or just to another city 2 hours driving from you - it's always a small journey and travelling, especially if it's new place for you.
Sometimes when I'm going to buy a ticket home I come to railway station and watch trains and people. It's so interesting, people are so different - why they go or come? who is waiting for them somewhere? whats the reason? and 1 more million questions in my head:)
Mmm..and I love smell of mazut at the railway stations - it assosiates for me with childhood, new cities and impressions.
Then it became planes and airports:) Especially if you have to wait for your flight, you have a lot of time for watching people and for drinking bad coffee. Especially if it's international airport. Oh, I love it so much!
People is the most interesting part of any travel, cause in different places they are different, have different habits and life-styles and you feel like you just landed at new planet and you feel sooo many courage to learn - how everything works here? And at first you feel courage to meet new people and after some time you already get some their habits, words and you LOOVE it!
And I love when people meet each other at the stations, in the airports... So many love! In such places I see these people - people in motion - and think that our life consists of meetings and partings, of waiting and excitement. And motion. People are constantly moving, they don't stop.
In travellings I feel alive.

Nobody can decide for you what is better. It's only your life and you will live it. You can ask for advice, but to listen someone's opinion and reaction? For what? It's better to listen to advice for concluding some statistics for yourself and make decision by your own.

Moreover, why you have to listen all that lectures and bla bla when you already did something and you're happy? They just will make you upset and deprive all your happiness and joy.

So, lesson #1: don't listen to anybody. Just do what you want, what will make you happy and what you think will be better for you and your future. Nobody can feel it better than you. Nobody will understand your feelings and motivation. If you feel that it'll be right - do it.

And when someone tryes to change your mind or to dictate his will, just think that it's your life and noone has any rights to do it with you.

I just have to choose one opportunity and focus on its achieving. The main thing I have to get - is independence. Then I'll do what I really want. I have 1 year for it.

Oh god, I feel like I'm 15 again and fighting for freedom and independence.

Oh, and btw - fuck them all, I want to live my life with my own scenario.

Home. Where is it? And what is it?

Place where you was born? Place where you live? Or place where you feel like at home?

Then, where is my home? Uzbekistan which I miss so much and dream about coming back one day? Or Russia where I live? Ozersk where I spent 12 years, or Chelyabinsk where I live for 4 years? Or maybe it's Cyprus, where I felt like at home, where I felt so calm and relaxed as never before?

I don't feel like I'm connected to one place where I'd like to spend the entire life.

And where will be the next stop? Where will I live after graduation? I feel that Chelyabinsk is done for me. It's time to move on. The world is so big and there is some special place for me too. I just want to find it.

Everytime I'm tend to move somewhere where I'm just a stranger. Everything could be much more simple if I'd live just here the whole life. Then I'd find the answers to all my questions. And everything would be much more defined.

And what is now? I just don't know. So many roads and I'm confused. The responsibility is to find the right one. I don't wanna do mistakes.

Where will be my home for next years? Who knows?

After spending a weekend with my niece, again and again I realized that:

- children love not because of something, they just love

- they don't need a reason, the main reason is the word "want"

- their energetics is amazing

- seeing happines and shine in their eyes makes you incredibly happy

- they have answers for any question

- they give a lot of happiness

- when child is holding your hand - it is the best moment you can even experience

- from children we can learn how to enjoy life, be happy and merry everytime

- also you can learn something about yourself - how old are you:) are you able to dream? how creative are you? how good is your imagination and etc.

I just love my Marina, cause she is a perfect child:) Just happy. And it is so great that she's just 5:) for a while))

And children should be role-models for us much more often than we can imagine!

I want to re-read "A little prince". Definetely!

Magic moment: waking up city, cup of coffee in my hands, positive music, for example this - Santana feat. Michelle Branch - The game of love; my 5th floor and rising sun :)

Saturday morning.

Today is a day of tenderness)

Thing #1.

I love the feeling when you realize that someone needs your help, needs you and you can help somehow. Mutual understanding, support and tolerance - thеsе are the main things I learned from these 4 years of living in dorm. Most of people don't like the common living, but I like - it's not boring, it's interesting and it makes you grow up very fastly and it teachs you how to live independently cause it's real school of life - when you're 17 you already start to live alone, and it makes you stronger. You use to make all the decisions by youself, you decide what will you eat today and only you can make your life better yourself! We have very warm relationship and after 1 year I don't know where will I be, what will I do, but the one thing I know exactly - I can't live alone for a long time! It surprises me, cause usually I need personal space and if it's too crowded around me and I have no chance to spend some time alone, I become nervous and tired. But maybe after these 4 years I learned how to create personal space even if you're in a crowd:)

I love such nice evenings like today - cooking together, wathing some movie, sitting on the windowsill and smoking together, having looong talks about everything...

Today Sasha is feeling bad and I'm giving her a medicine and milk :) we're taking care of each other like a family:)

I just can't imagine that after 4 months my girls will graduate and leave, maybe we'll live in different cities...

And even if I'm in bad mood or angry or upset, when I come here in my dorm and see these faces I just think: "Oh god, how could I be angry? They are so sweet!:)"

Thing #2.

I love to wake up and see sms. If it's nice of course)) I love to learn something new about someone or something. Feeling of tenderness.

Thing #3.

Ira, I suppose it's destiny. I'll stay with you forever:)) Or maybe till that time when we see the sky of London together! Or till that time when we both live in Cyprus:) I just love my crazy Ira. I'll never find one more friend like her. My little tupitca:)

Thing #4.

I don't mind if someone (whom I don't know very well) shares with me something personal and looking for support. I always wanted to be a psychologist:) So, I like it and can listen.

Tomorrow finally I'm going to Snezinsk and I'll spend this weekend with my brother, his wife, my sister and my little sweet princess - my niece Marina. Sometimes I think that I really love her more than someone else in this world! Can't wait this moment when I hug her and kiss!!!
Family weekend is waiting for me! And no parents allowed!:)

Today I touched and even kissed a REAL dolphin!!! Oooh, I fell in love with these smart and beautiful animals!!! I love them!

I was looking at man who works with them and thought - what did make him to choose this profession? I suppose it was dream. It wasn't someone's wish or expectation. Dream, just dream can do this.

I have a dream. And even if something disappointing and unfair happens, it shouldn't make you turn back or stop. It should make you work even harder. Just look at the mirror and say: "You can do it!" - and go on!

This case made me think, make conclusions and teached me.

I have a lot things to improve. In myself, in this world, in my country, in people's attitude. If you want to change the world - start from yourself. I just have to grow up. Right now, when it's not too late.

Btw I want to thank my dear friends. Those who see me every day and those who are so far away from me now. I love you all and without you I wouldn't be happy and wouldn't be that person who I am today.

I started to create wish list for my birthday) It seems like with every year my wishes become more and more simple and I become sentimental.

For example, I want:

- huuuuuge beautiful puzzle

- new watercolours or oils

- ticket to circus show!

- some book

- tulips

- doing crazy things with friends (like my last b-day with EB)

"Back to childhood" wishes) Or maybe I just want to be happy through these small joyful things?

Actually it all doesn't matter. I just want to spend this day with closest people. In circus:)

And gift of my dream - to be not here.

Today with my sister we're going to dolphin show. People say that if you make a wish and touch a dolphin, it'll come true. And that dolphins bring happiness. I will try)

Moreover, I have never seen dolphins and today one my dream will come true!

And it is so interesting - once you lose something and at next moment someone wants to give you something to make you feel better. But unfortunately, it's not interchangeable.

I appreciate it, but I need time and later I'll be fine. Just the only one thing which I want now - not to hear questions and words.

I feel like it's happening not with me, but with someone else.

Can't believe that now my life will be different. Different from my plans and expectations, dreams.

There is just one question in my mind: WHY?

It's just bad circumstances. It happened. No, it's not "just". It's important for me.

But anyway, I shouldn't let this situation make me down. It should make me think. Think about another opportunities during this fucking last year! Damn it. Think about another options for my future.

And as Saif said, there are no bad situations without good ones to follow. Yes. I'm trying to keep it in my mind for feeling better.

I'm surprised that I'm so calm now. No some strong emotions, nothing. I feel like I'm sleeping and it's just a nightmare, can't believe it's reality. I just don't feel anything... Numbness.

It is so cold. Middle of march. It's snowing and snowing. I like when the snow is falling at my hair. Just stand under the falling snow and listen to the silence.

When the spring come? When the warm shiny days come? When all the clouds melt? When the snow thaw? I'm tired of having constantly frozen hands...

Lack of sunshine, lack of smiles, lack of happiness around.

Everything will be fine. One day, I know.

I still can't realize that I'm ELECT! ELEEEEEECT!!!!!! Maybe I'm sleeping? Maybe it's just a dream? Noooo!!! Reality!

Do you want to know about my feelings when Ali called me? Haha) I even don't remember clearly:) I just remember that I felt like something happened and I can't realize - what the hell is that?? After that call I sat down and said: "Well... I'm going to Bahraaaaaain!!!!!!!!" )))) And even at that evening I couldn't realize till the end, that this is it - DREAMS COME TRUE! It is weird, very-very weird! At one moment you realize - your life will never be the same again and everything will completely change! Ufff..) Several months ago I couldn't imagine that I'll go to this country, I couldn't imagine how much I'll love this country and that this country will become the meaning of my life for the next year!) This is the miracle of life. And this is the uniqueness of AIESEC - life sometimes is unpredictable and it is great! You feel that you're part of this world and actually it doesn't matter where to go, cause you are a citizen of the world.

There is a world map on my wall and there are marked "must visit" places, including Middle East, and today I looked at them and thought: "Yes... dreams come true!" And here it is - my world, it's on my wall, it's all in my hands. I want to hug the whole world:)

Just simply happy.

So many positive emotions! And also here are some negative, but it's normal - for keeping balance:)) I know that I'm strong and everything will be great.

Btw this is a tendency - VPFs turn into VPTM)) Dima Rumyansky - hello!) hahaha))) and me) who's the next?)

So, 3 months in Russia left. And I'm enjoying this melting snow!

8th of March

Today is international women's day. And only in several countries it's national holiday. In Russia it's one of the most important and joyful holidays in year. Yesterday we came back from the conference and at the railway station I saw lots of sellers with flowers, sweets, red balloons and traditional yellow mimosa :) all women in our country get flowers, presents and men do everything for us today, including cooking dinner and cleaning the apartment haha:)

I got so many messages with congratulations from russians, but from my foreign friends just Ugur congratulated me (and I'm sure it was just because it was in my status). Different countries, different culture, different attitude and values.

The congress was good, and the main thing I noticed - the delegates were completely different from all previous recruitments. It was my 6th local congress.

Faci-team and chair. There wasn't feeling that we are team, it was just like: "Ok, it's just my job". Nailya is the best))) Everything was so calm and quiet, without any strong emotions like our all previous faci-meetings)

EB 10-11 elections. Difficult. Shock. EB 09-10 speech - so touching... 2nd generation after us. Can't believe it. The questions and the candidates level were much more higher than on our elections or last year, it means that the LC level is getting higher, they are more professional and it's great. Video about @ history and my thoughts how much I love this organization, but people sometimes act so stupid and hypocritical - I hate it when the face aspect and feelings are not the same. And it's so mean when it gets open just at important moment when you're the most vulnerable. Elections... The EB team 10-11 is great, but can't believe that Sasha isn't there too...((

Olya, Dana and Ksu applied for alumni. Only me and Ira left. Can't believe that 2,5 years of my life - is AIESEC, and now it's time to become an alumni of AIESEC Chelyabinsk. Can't believe that it is last chapter of my being in this LC. I'll also apply for alumni soon. Maybe this week I'll do it.

Cherokee and Caroline - interns are great) Especially Cherokee)))) Oh god, I definetely love China))))

I'm waiting for my MC elections result. During the conference I was thinking about it all the time and probably had all kinds of emotions. And today I spent the whole day at home, checking gmail, but there is still nothing! :( Can't wait anymore(

The song of the day - Chale Jaise Hawaien :)

Yesterday during interview I was asked question: "What was the hardest decision in your @XP?". Very quickly I remembered all that 2,5 years and realized - it was the moment when I said: "I won't apply for LCP". I filled up the application and everything... It was hard, because I realized - it's not exactly what do I want, this opportunity won't bring me that changes which I want to do in myself, and when everyone expects something from you, when you know - you will win, when people already say "you're almost LCP" - it becomes not so interesting for you. Especially other people's expectations. It was like obligation, it became an obligation for me.

Somewhy we used to think "I must", "I have to". But "have to" what? Realize someone's expectations and hopes? And what about you? YOU!

And at that moment I felt like I'm "glued" to all that people. And the most important - my LC. I decided that I shouldn't sacrifice myself, if I don't really want it, if I have no motivation. Because the result can be unexpected.

Yes, I'm still learning how to say "no".

And it's not an egoism, it's just thinking about myself, my real needs and plans.

As a final - I didn't apologize. This year 09-10 was amazing for me, and I believe - that moment was a destiny. The main thing - I went for internship. And it totally changed lots of things in my life - goals, worldview, dreams, plans, priorities...

The main point - listen to your heart, always! Your heart knows things better, than your mind:)

Tomorrow I have one more interview. I'll do it my best!

To be one team.

What is real friendship?

Friendship is...

when you're sad and you just know whom you can talk to

when the happines is common and disappointment is common

when you get the best presents just because your friend is like your twin and knows you very well!

when you create funny names for each other (like "my little hamster")))

when you're like family

when you create synergy)

when you never lie, never hurt, never keep secrets away from each other

when you protect and support each other

when you can fall down and you friend will catch you

when 1 glass of tea is common)

when you have your own motto)

when you call each other even through 3000 km apart

when you're going to doctor together) or just have plans to do it:))

when suddenly you see message in gtalk: "Vik, I love you. Just felt it"))

when your intuition and mind are SO similar, so you even oversleep lessons at the same time, the same day

when you two say the same words at the same moment

when you can just look at each other without any word and understand everything)

when you can come and say: "Do you have some food for me?")

when you will never have quarrel about boyfriends. Just because you shows so different tastes:)

when you will never betray and never be betrayed

when you like and dislike the same people

when your dreams and goals already were similar though you even didn't meet each other ("-my dream is London". "-MINE TOO!") :)

when you're together EVERY day already for some years and still didn't fed up of each other)

when you start missing each other after 1 day parting

when suddenly you're going to meet sunrise on the bridge at 4 a.m. together

when one day you come and say with tears: "I've just broke up", you hear as the answer: "Oh((... do you want some cognac?" )))

when you have lots of enjoyable moments together)

when you share everything

when... just when you love your friend:)

Yes, it is all about friendship!

To be one team.

Irochka, of course it's all about you, my little hamster, my dear friend and comrade!))

P.S.: moya dohlaya martyshka, I'll be with you ALWAYS! And will never leave you alone:)

Stay away from SWINE FLU! ))))

0.28 here. 1st day of spring came! People always are waiting for spring:)

This day just came and already I see statuses, get messages with words something like: "With 1st spring days!".

This spring is gonna bring me lots of hopes and expectations.

it's all because of cold - winter here lasts almost 4-5 months and people are happy to feel first warm sunshine:)

And me too. Tomorrow (already today) I'm gonna buy pink tulips!