This feeling reminds a thurst. It reminds a lack of something. And everyone who seems very active in his life, actually has it. But it's hidden very well. And sometimes people even don't realize that they have it. And in this condition people can do mistakes.

The name of this feeling is emotional emptiness. When you feel lack of something, you even don't realize what is it, but you're trying to fulfill your life till the end - you're trying to make your days full of meetings and activities.

This is what I thought about some years ago when I moved to Che and promised myself - I won't fall in love and the only one thing I'll do - I'll be successful.

But one day you' ll just stop and take a look back. And what you'll see? Maybe you'll find yourself with notebook full of contacts and with few real friends. You'll see great results of your activities. You'll see your super career. You're on the top. You can love your friends, you can love all the people in the world, you can be the best leader and professional.

But one day you realize that it's all just a crap if you don't have person who's waiting for you at home. You're standing in the crowd, but actually you're alone.

Yes, sometimes I'm thinking about it. But I don't want to stop, I want to move forward and who knows, where will I be in 1, 2, 5 years? Life is so fast and unpredictable. And I had moments when I was ready to stop and stay with someone forever. But I realize that now it has no meaning, because it's so hard to find someone who is ready to follow you, who is ready to wait, to overcome distances and challenges. And it all has no meaning because the parting is always so hard and heartbreaking. No serious relationship - no pain and no regrets.

Last days I feel this emptiness especially.

The main thing is not to do mistakes. Especially now.

***

Usually people are waiting for THOSE 3 words. But what to do if you finally hear it.. and suddenly you want to escape? Escape somewhere fucking far-far away, hide under the pillow and not to hear that! It's weird, but it happens every time! Even if I'm in love with someone, at moment when that person tells me these words at 1st time, my first thought is: "Run!!! Run away!".

And I can't do anything with it. I'm afraid very much. I'm afraid to belong, to be dependent - especially emotionally.

This is strange dilemma. And it's much more easier to escape, to laugh, to joke. It's much more easier than to look at his eyes, take his words seriously and say: "Me too".

Maybe it's just not right person. Maybe everything is wrong and too complicated now.

Maybe I just didn't really fall in love for a long time.

I believe - everything in its right place. And everything happens at right moment.

I'm happy now like this.

I'm applying for MC abroad and I'm opened to new horizons and challenges. And I'll get everything when I'm ready for it, really ready.

And even maybe one day I'll be ready to stop and stay forever.

But not now! Great opportunities are waiting for me!

Woohooooo!!!!!