Too long time passed since I deleted someone from all my contact lists.
Now it's your turn, finally.
Goodbyeee!

I'm so happy! I haven't been SO happy for ages! It's true, bright and clear happines. That happiness which brings you a calmness, quietness and just thousand smiles. It's like you're sitting on the empty quiet beach at the time of sunset... you can feel light wind in your hair and last sunshine of the day on your face... you close your eyes, listen to the waves, a little bit smile and realize - this is it - you're fucking happy!
It's like nirvana, like meditation. Just you know that it's impossible to feel something even better! Because you already there, you already feel it - right now! AAAAA! I even can't find suitable words to describe it! Maybe at the moments of real happiness you don't need to speak - just be somewhere near...
My brother's wife is pregnant:) it means, that I'll be an aunt at the 2nd time!
When they said this, I can swear - suddenly I saw a thousand small blue stars around us! At that moment all the world stopped moving and I realized - shit, I'm on heaven.
This is happiness.
I'm moving towards my dreams, my dear people are happy, and I even can't imagine something better...
Tomorrow Ira is going to Izmir. Her dreams are coming true too.
Yes, for sure, I'm TOTALLY HAPPY!
And no one asshole can make me feel worse nowadays!

Watched "Up in the air". So, yes, it's a bit sad movie, but it's true. Sometimes you really feel like a stranger in this life. Sometimes you can say: "What is my life? it's just me. I'm the most faithful person to myself". And thats all.
Basicly what's happening now is very strange. I even don't know why I let it be, why I do it again and again with the same person.
Maybe because of that fact, that I can do anything, ANYTHING, I can be the worst bastard he have ever seen, I can say whatever I want... and I know - this guy is my air bag, he will save me in anytime. Anytime I can call him and say: "You know, I feel terrible. I need to talk to someone". And he will help, he always helps. And he loves me, I know.
ok, enough idealizing. Just I know that it'll lead to nowhere, we have no future. Not official relationship, "emergency exit" for each other, whatever...
He has a girlfriend, I have my point of view. It looks like cheating, hmm... After his job he's hugging me, then he goes home and kiss her. It's a bullshit.
Why? I'm totally fool. I don't love him, I even didn't fall in love, I don't want anything. I just got used to him. Almost 4 years. I love him as a person, as a friend, as a close person. I'm addicted. I just like his attention, his care and his warm to me. I need it.
But why I'm keeping do it if it has no future?

Multinational insight of us

While walking on the street I saw some travel agency and advertisement on its door: "Special course for tourists! Survive abroad!". What does it mean, god damn it?? Of course I understand that its just a way of earning money, but if this thought took a place, then there is something.

Humanity have built SO many walls, so now we need guides like this - "sirviving abroad". Really, are we so far from each other? Even nowadays, at the time of globalization and uniting? Could be...

In my russian blog I wrote a post about the reaction of people around on our interns. And in comments I got the same reaction as I wanted to provoke - agression, jealosy and misunderstanding. I don't know what is it - mentality, or humans nature, but it's always strange.

When you see a person who looks different, it's natural to look at him, cause all people are curious. But agression?..

Russia is a multinational country. More than 180 nationalities lives on its territory. Even in supermarket you can hear not russian language. Not english or some another "international" language, but different.

Russian people often says something like: "Russians are minority population in Russia". And this sentence has negative attitude. Like "Why here are so many emigrants??"

But let's take a look back at the history. Historically, this territory was populated by Eastern Slavic, Finno-Ugric, Balto-Slavic and Turkic tribes. Especially 200 years of Mongol overlordship we should take into consideration. Assimilation and so on. Also Russia is a federation which includes Tatarstan and Bashkortostan Republics, Jewish Autonomous Region, Chukchi Peninsula and etc.

So now it's natural to see in Russia not only people with Slavic appearance, as many foreigners use to think about Russia.

So, for Russians it's VERY strange and actually stupid to say something about "pure nation". We're international country. Just we used to it. People have to understand it more that something else.

Government implementing now a new campaign. Everywhere its posters - on billboards, in public transport, on TV. It says: "Love has many faces"; "friendship has many faces"; "in Russia lives more than 180 nationalities", "citizens of Russia speak more than 250 languages" and so on. And pictures of our nations.

When I saw it at first time I smiled and thought: "FINALLY!!!".

I hope we're moving on the right direction.

It Don't Matter If You're Black Or White

Michael Jackson

Today was confident voting for OCPs in LC. I was looking at them and suddenly faced just one dilemma in my head: what is more important - ability to do something great, I mean enough energy for doing something till the end, enough developed necessary characteristics for being a team leader, enough strong personality, or passion about making impact? I saw some persons, who are quite shy, who are not attending all LC meetings, maybe they even don't know what does it mean - to be a team leader... but somewhy they applied for OCP. They already did the first step. And who knows, maybe this step will lead them to the top? Maybe this decision was very important, serious and challenging for them? Maybe their first "why" was "I want to change the world through changing myself"?

My first reaction was: "Oh no, this project has to do someone more experienced/more communicative/more active and etc.". But then I had a thought that maybe my attitude is too strict? I'm trying not to do mistakes, I'm trying to be perfect in everything, so I'm not giving any right to do mistakes for myself and for others. It's just not acceptable.

But that first brilliant step is so important! That step which is the beginning of the great way. It has to bring positive impression for them who dare to do it.

And maybe sometimes we should trust. We should believe in people and give a hope. We should give a chance for changes, for passion, for striving. When someone says: "I believe in you, you can do it", you really can, because someone's trust is the main motivation.

What if someone is not able physically to go to the companies? Or he is too selfish and probably he'll be a dictator? But what if he can be a good manager and leader for his team?

What if I'm offended to someone, and it's just my personal? I should divide personal and professional. Maybe this person can make a great impact?

What if someone seems too weak for doing long-term project? How can we know this, if we don't let him even try?

On the other hand it's a risk of failure.

You know, who's not taking a risk - is not drinking a champagne (popular wisdom).

Anyway we don't lose anything, we don't lose our money or business. We lose just our numbers, our numerical goals. And sometimes it all really seems some crazy racing - "Who'll get more numbers". But we're not about it. We're about leadership and development. It's AIESEC. One time failure - next time victory. And always experience - good or bad.

And we're about giving a chance, taking risk and facing challenges.

I beleive in the best in people. I beleive in our LCP.

I beleive they can get "Overall success" National Award.

7 guys from India.

2 - from Brazil.

2 - from China.

1 - from Britain.

We're growing and growing! :) Remember the beginning - our term and just 10 members in LC including EB. At the end of term - 38, 4 first incoming X for last 2 years and 1 incoming international CEEDer. Now our LC is 50 members. Now they're not afraid to speak English anymore. They're exploring new cultures.

Now I'm really proud of our successors. Of course, still our LC is not so healthy, but numbers are increasing. It's just question of time and good next EB. Who will apply? Who will lead?

Day by day I'm learning new facts and gossips about elections and I want to beleive that guys who will apply and who'll be elected, they will do their best. Our LC is the common treasure that we have:)

When you're going shopping with internationals, going to the club and wake up all together, when they call you, when people on the street staring at you and asking questions - all that makes me proud and happy.

When you have a meeting with your past team and we're sharing news - Olya - about MC life in Croatia, Ksu - about project in Moscow, Dana - about trip to India, me - about future plans, Ira - about Cyprus, Dinar - about LCP term, my feelings are incredible!

I'm so happy that our lifes are different from lifes of thousand another students. This is AIESEC. This is the life we're living all together.

That small signs at one moment changed everything completely! Everything was changed at one day.

Now I'm filling up this application. Really, any application make you think and evaluate yourself. If you can go till the end - you really can do it. Without any doubts and fears.

It's time to leave all the fears behind. Without trying I won't even know - if I could do it or not. I beleive I can. And now is th best moment for it - I'm sure of myself, I can objectively think and analyse everything about AIESEC and I feel that now I can contribute my experience to growth. Once we did breakthrough. I'm ready for changes.

New emotions and new wave of my life. I feel alive, really allive now! At one moment I realized that AIESEC is what makes me happy, what makes my eyes shine. And it's too early to quit. I didn't do that impact that I can do. Impact! This is the key.

Leadership

Positive changes

Impact

I fond my old pictures from Oz. Oh God, it was crazy time! So many things were changed since I left that town. My high school, 1st and probably even 2nd course of university I spent hanging out with musicians and other freaks of my home-town. A kind of bohemian society. Clubs, drinks and live music. Torn jeans and sneakers. Unimaginable hair colours. And taste for breaking rules and provocations. We knew all the most fresh music-styles. We were so depressive teenagers. Some of that guys moved to Moscow and St.Petersburg.

And now I'm looking at that pictures and some of them are still the same. They can be 20, 23, 25, but they still wear torn jeans and keep guitar in their hands.

And I'm asking - what is that? Probably they have talent, but most of them just keep this life-style cause they have nothing else to do, or they just imitate someone. But not all of them are real. They seem to set at the same age, still 17 or 18.

Just 3-4 years passed, but now I'm remembering all that time and it seems like the whole life changed.

But I love that age. And maybe I didn't change completely - I still love torn jeans and sneakers. And many other things. And things I don't want to lose - are that rebellious spirit, ability to dream big and to be ambitious.

We change, we move forward and grow up, but sometimes it's good to save good moments in our memory and good characteristics in ourselves.

Usually I read a several books at the same time. Each one - for certain mood. Now they are:
- Chuck Palahnuik - "Choke" (I know, I know, half of Earth already read it 1-2 years ago when it was fashionable). I like "Fight club" and I heard a lot about this book and just now I dared to start reading it). I'm reading it when I'm in bad mood and it'd be better to kill someone. Palahnuik - is a insane, but honest genius. After reading his book you can feel your pure and honest emotions. Sometimes rude and agressive emotions. Sometimes I'm reading it on boring lessons.
- Thomas Cook - "Jordan" - it was a New Year present and I'm reading it every single free moment. I'm in love with it! <3 My new idee fixe is a camel!!!! Before it was dolphins, now it's dolphins and camels!))
- Orhan Pamuk - "The museum of innocence" - It's so long book!) I love it, I love heroes, their story and of course, the main hero is Istanbul! Great book, but a bit depressive and sad. I'm reading it at lonely quiet evenings with cup of green tea.

Actually I miss Frederic Beigbeder, I love this spolit bastard, but last spring I've read all his books I could find.

After all that books I'd read something more fullfilled, something about motivation, personal effectiveness, goal setting... aiesec-style literature:)

Today is a Christmas night. My Marina told me her wish for next year - it's a trip to Egypt. I'll never forget her words: "I've never seen real egyptians before!")) I wish she's just 5, otherwise I'd love to take her with me somewhere:)
Ira B., you should know that your NY present is very cool :) After it I'm in love with this country even more! Now it became really deliberate goal. I want I want I want!
Day after tomorrow I have first final. I have to know everything about management accounts, cause I should get scholarship. Then 2 exams more and I'll know a part of Tax Code about federal and regional taxation. Maybe one day I'll love it, hmm?

btw trip to Egypt in this month costs just $500 for 2 weeks! ;)

Today was shitty day actually. Almost fucked up.
Except some things: present from Olesya. It was photoframe with our picture. And I felt again guilty:( Really, I don't have anything to remind me about her. Why I'm so hard-hearted? I don't love anyone:( I even don't call her, though we're friends for 14 years. Sad:(
Going to the cinema. Romantic movie. And me. I realized that I'm still waiting for a prince. I'm still waiting for the Scarlet Sails. Love of the whole life. Why why I'm so stupid?? How old am I? I'm not 15! And even not 17! Even after sooooo many shit in my life I still believe! Totally fool.
Super-long but interesting movie "Lawrence of Arabia". I didn't like the end:( Why did he come back home if he love different place! Weak-willed failure:(
Can't wait my coming back to Che.
Sometimes I hate myself.
Or maybe it's just a bad day:(
I wanna get some tulips:( for me tulips is a sign of spring...
shit, I'm so tired of this endless cold and winter:((((( I wanna spring, tulips and my birthday:(((

I wanted to be so nice. I just miss him sometimes. I wanted to talk like friends. But how??? HOW could I forget everything!!!! Immediately I remembered why I did it 1,5 years ago. How could I forget why I broke up! And I'd do that again and again. How could I forget how much shitty is he!
Maybe I love him as a person - 4 years is a serious term. Maybe I'm just a masochist! But people seem don't change ever. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!
People don't change EVER!

Long-awaited meeting with Nik at the same place with the same menu:) I haven't seen him more than 1 year! But for some people time is nothing, when you meet again you have something to talk about anyway. He told about Czechia and I felt international spirit again. That spirit which calls you to go to the nearest airport watch flying planes. Omg, how much I love their couple! Nik and Yulia) I love new year meetings when you see people who you haven't seen for ages. Accidental meeting with Valya) While I'm here till 7th every day I have meetings)) Olesya, Valya, Ira etc. etc.. and probably Jenya. I'd like to see him. Or maybe not.
Trend-2010 - "people without strain". Only easiness and pleasure.
I like these long evenings at home when we're discussing something with parents with cup of tea or something. Especially I like when I'm recollecting in my mind memories from Tashkent from their words. It's so valuable for me. Now it seems like it was in a dream, in another life... like I had a dream years ago and now I'm trying to remember it. I don't want to lose that memories, even after 15 years living in Russia. If one day I see again red poppies fields I'll be happy till the end of my life.
And we decided - if till summer we'll fix everything, we'll go to Tashkent.
Oh God! If that happens I'll quit smoking and I'll be the most kind and gentle person in the world! And I'll never use bad words!!!
Red poppies fields in that land look like this:































I'd die for this beauty!

It was the best new year. Only close people, best friends. Nothing is excess. Everything is so right.

Burned pieces of paper at 00.00, expected and unexpected messages ad words, champagne, our "eco-firtree", guests, presents, then sitting on the floor, smoking nargile in the dark room with candles and talking about so private subjects... just because we're very close to each other, and as for me I wouldn't hide anything from them, I don't have secrets. Everyone knows everything.

Lunar eclipse after midnight and -30 outside:)

Breakfast at 14.00 all together and lying on the sofa all together again) like at the summer-08 in our term) I wouldn't wish something better than these moments)

Later when I was walking through the Pushkin park I was so happy! The park was amazing! Quiet, snowy, tons of fluffy white sparkling snow, everything is white like in fairy-tale! Probably I've never seen something like that before! I saw places where 1 year ago at 8th of March we took pictures with Ugur and Lena, I remember that moments and smiled) I remembered last year again. Everything is so simple and clear. Maybe I have everything for being happy. Maybe I just don't realize it. Definetely I have right people around me now. And all that who hurt me, they stayed in 2009.

At this time I got less messages with greetings then last year for example, but after some time I understood that through time the new period of our life is coming - period when the philosophy law is starting to act: transition from quantity to quality. When we already know how to throw out everything useless and stay only the most valuable.

Simplicity - it's new rule of life. Simplicity and optimal minimisation. Balance and harmony.

I'm just happy.