This summer was full of flasbacks. And full of "cut-offs" when I realized that some person is not important for me anymore.

Sometimes you used to think that you're important for someone and this person is important for you as well; that someone needs you and always will be somewhere near. But sometimes you're wrong. My mistake is that I become attached and addicted to people very fast, and then it's very painful for me to let them go. One of my "attachements" were lasting for 4 years. It was like a habit. I should over it about 2 years ago, but I was really addicted. When I asked: "is there any chance for us?" and realized no, next day I was in hospital with appendcitis. As soon as I woke up after operation, I thought: "Ok, I feel better". I felt like with appendicitis doctors cut off this my addiction to this person. Just after so many conflicts I became indifferent, I feel nothing now. It is not interesting for me what's going on with him. I don't care.

My 2nd flashback. I sent a e-mail. I was waiting for it a year, and for 1 year I was imagining: what if...? and when I did it, I realized: "I feel nothing!". And felt better.

I'm trying to learn how to just let go.

Yesterday I saw new girls with whom I'll live in dormitory. I'm quite closed person and it gets long time to get used to new people and to start trust them. But yesterday while falling asleep I thought: "I don't care". Maybe it's all AIESEC))) When after so many conferences, CEEDs, traineeships, buses, planes, trains and so many new faces you don't care - where and when to sleep, what to eat, you learn hot to be at several places at the same time and you're not afraid of new people, because communication with people (most of them are unknown) - it is the biggest part of AIESEC life. If this true, then I achieved that goal which I set 3 years ago - to stop shying and to become more communicative.

And can't avoid my job) I can say that I faced a real life. Life, when you have to be ready and should understand that everyone's watching, and you shouldn't do any mistakes. Also I faced with situation when you should be very careful, you shouldn't trust any words, you shouldn't say too mush, and as less people know about you as better for you.

It was challenging summer, and it was good for me. 1 month of my traineeship in Fortum left. Inspite of some bad moments, there were more good moments. And alredy now I know that I'll miss people there, and miss this company.

I'm surprised, but I'm reading book "Eat pray love" and it gives me harmony and calmness inside. I thought that it'll be another popular stupid book, but I want to have it in my house and read from time to time. Read at moments when everything is very bad. When I'm reading it, I feel happy.

This book is about woman who recently divorced and she decided to go for 1 year trip - 4 months in Italy, 4 months in India, 4 months in Bali. What did she fond there? Everything.

And what did I fond in this book? I fond silence for my soul. And hope.

The movie "Eat pray love" coming soon!

After that horrible trip in the bus with broken air conditioning, I thought: "Yes, for sure I don't wanna live in this country". But the next thought was: "But what can I do?". Where is that "global mindset" and popular "dream big", "impossible is nothing" and other Aiesec mottos which made our life easier? Where is it all?

After talking with Ira in gtalk I realized how far I'm from that life - life where the one and only dream was another trip to Cyprus, sms and calls were the most remarkable events and all talks were only about it and people there.
I realized that I just stucked in that memories for 1.5 years! 1,5 years it was the meaning of my life and every day I thought about it. 1.5 years of my life for nothing!
I'm so far from it now. And I'm glad. Now I see things which I couldn't see before.
It seems like for these 2 months alone I've fond myself and understood who I am as a person, who I am without influence of someone else, what do I want and what I think. To be alone for so long time is the best way to find solutions and make decisions.
For her it's "moving forward", but for me it's just "stucking in a moment". My path is gonna be different.