About feelings.

To see bright eyes. To see inspiration and to feel it myself. To love what you do. To feel the sunshine and warmth inside. To smile and smile and smile! To be curious and ask questions. To love to get to know. To wait every next day. I can compare this feeling with my feeling at the last lesson with my students in Cyprus - I feel incredible inspiration!

All that reflects my feelings about Fortum. I love it! I'm in love with it! I can really say - that's a dream-company! I see new horizons and perspectives. I feel - it's mine! Finally I fond that thing which inspires me, makes me happy and I want to do it in my life! I can bring changes, I can inspire and motivate, I can make impact!

Just happy, simply happy. Happy every morning when I wake up at 6 a.m. and go to the bus stop. Happy every moment.

Thanks God for everything that I have. Really, it was destiny. Everything was destiny. Now I see that "connecting dots", which connect every single moment in our life and lead us towards something big and meaningful.

I feel euphoria and nirvana! I feel butterflies inside! This is it. My happiness! Finally!

Well, what can I say? Dreams come true!

I've got a job in Fortum - it's Finnish company working in the field of electrical power engineering and heat-power engineering, and it has branches in Nordic, Baltic countries and in Russia. It's very huuuge!! I'll work in HR department in staff development area)

I thought - the destiny really exists! Remembering the situation with Bahrain, I really think that it was destiny! I saw this email with opportunity in Fortum by chance, I sent my CV in russian and english, then I came for interview and I expected that I can be an intern in some economics department, but they said: "Now we're recruting people in HR department. Are you interested in it?" I said: "OF COOOURSEEE!!!". So, I even didn't know that beforehand. And now during next 5 months I'll work there as intern.

I won't be in MCVPTM in Bahrain, but I'll work here in HR in international company. When something has to happen, it will happen.

Think positively, smile, even if you feel like shit, never give up and don't lose faith!

It's a new day, a new wave, and I'm inspired and motivated! I feel it in the air!))

I can't understand why some people are talking and talking about things which hurt me? And they KNOW that it's hurtful! About Bahrain, about "where will you go this summer?", about something else... they're just talking and asking, and I suppose they don't realize that these topics are taboo for me. Especially about Bahrain - they like so much to ask, to say: "Wow! When you'e going there?", or "OMG! Whyyy??", they're telling something about it... and the point is that I know - the people who are asking that, they absolutely don't care about me, they just want to satisfy their curiousity, and that's all. And I'm just... there are just rude words in my mind at these moments and I want to say "Shut up please!" and use all rude words I know.

But I'm trying to be calm, I'm smiling and say: "It's ok, shit happens, I'm fine fine fine...". I'm trying to overcome it inside, I'm trying to switch to another things, to find something else.

And one more thing I hate - words "you're special" and other bla bla. I'm not fucking special, NO! And please don't tell me that, because I know - people are so hypocritical, so I don't want to participate in any kind of lie.

I'm so tired. I don't want to smile and show everyone "I'm great!" anymore..

I'm so tired of that I want to seem strong and imperturbable.

I just want to get away from here in some quiet place, where I can be alone and where I can structure all that mess in my head.

But tomorrow again I have to wake up, to do make up, imagine that my mood is wonderful, go somewhere, smile and answer to all the questions: "I'm fine! I'm great!".

It's also a kind of lie. And I'm a liar. All our life is a theatre.

It's 2.26 a.m. here and I have too many thoughts in my head. They just don't let me sleep.

Listening to Ayo-Letter by letter and watching how cigarette's smoke is going up to the opened window.

Still trying to combine big picture in my head - what do I really want? And these people who ask questions, they are exploding my head. I don't know! I don't know anything. Everything is too complicated and this mess in my head doesn't let me live my life.

Waiting for "aha-moment" when everything will be simple, clear and structured.

Birthday is coming. Somewhy every year I don't want this day to come. Maybe because it became like obligation, when you think: "Ok, I have to meet with that people, do that and that..". I want to return that feeling from childhood when you can't sleep night before and when you feel butterflies inside and feel so excited, when your day is full of joy and happiness. Just when you know that there will be something magical and surprising...

Where is the magic? I heed it so much!

Connecting the dots

There are no bad events without the good ones, I know. 1 month passed, but I'm already searching for good side of that. I understand that maybe it's too early to look for next "connection point" after that MC accident, but still I don't see anything good in it. I know, that after some time something will happen and I'll say: "Yes, that's it, it was destiny".

Just yesterday I tried to remember all connection points since I live in Che - for last 4 years. Love, relationship, disappointments, friendship, breaking ups, dramas, happiness, success, tragedies. Sometimes I thought that life is over, that this is how the end looks like. Sometimes I thought that nothing good can ever happen with me anymore. Sometimes I thought that I found a pure happiness. Sometimes I thought that I found my way.

And now, remembering the events of even 9 or 10 months ago, I understand - even bad things were the reason of something good, and without them I wouldn't have all that good things which I have now. I'm sure there is some kind of destiny.

I know - all that disappointing things which happened while I live in Che let me get all that people I love, things I know, expericence, ideas, worldview, opportunities...

So, what can I say? Only "Thank you" to all people who even betrayed me, offend or something some time ago.

It's like you don't see where you're going right now, but later you get the opportunity to take a look back, and see the whole picture, then you can see the shape of figure you created. And it's unique and beautiful.

I hope very soon I'll find my next connection point which will show me that everything is in its right place.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish.

Steve Jobs

Decided that it's time to change something, and for woman the easiest way to change something in life - is to change a haircolour) Yesterday we spent more than 1 hour with Ira in the shop choosing the colour of hair dye. And then we did it together) So, she is blond and I'm red-haired.

Started my day with cyprus-style breakfast - orange juice + fried eggs) Ohhh, I miss those white cheese! Today is Easter, the weather is great, my window is opened and I even can get a tan sitting on the windowsill:)

My haircolour is awesome, I feel awesome and hope life will get right:)

Escapee or fighter?

After latest developments in country, I'm thinking about it again. It's easiest way to escape, and harder to fight and develop. But what if I see that people just everytime say that "life is so unfair, everything could be much better" and so on, but as soon as the changes come, people are not happy again and say: "Ooh, earlier everything was so perfect!". It looks like psychology of slaves.

What's the reason to sing songs about changes, if your mind is not ready for it? It's like in 1861, when emperor Alexander II abrogated the serfdom in Russian Empire. What do you think those dependent peasants did? They supposed to run away and be happy to get independence, but they said: "No, we don't want to leave our nobles, we live pretty well here". This is a psychology which have been emerging for ages.

When this country will be satisfied? Society destroys it from inside.

I love my country, I live here almost the whole life, but sometimes can't understand the way of thinking of these people. Sometimes they are so strange. It's our uniqueness also and sometimes it's cute, but...

People want to live in the same condition and afraid of any development and improvement. Maybe it's conditional by history, mentality, politics and etc., maybe people are afraid of unpredictability of life?

But where is the generation of 90s who was fighting for freedom and changes? Where all that people who provoked, who did revolution and who built new country - Russian Federation?

Words from Viktor Tsoy song, song which reflects the spirit of those crazy times - Russia of 90s: "Our hearts are demanding for changes! It's in our laugh, in our tears and in pulsation of vein - changes, we're waiting for changes! Sigarettes are in our hands, cup of tea is on the table - this is how the circle is closing up, and suddenly it's scary to change something".

We are developing. But that revolution of 90s wasn't done till the end, I guess.

We need revolution in our minds. While the Soviet Union spirit is still alive, it'll be very hard.

If you're not sure of things which you'd want to do - don't do, otherwise later you'll apologize about mistakes and disappointments. Moreover, it can hurt close to you people.

If you're not sure that you really-really-really want it - don't do, cause the effects can be unpredictable.

You can walk up the stairs for years and one day see that the ladder stays near the wrong wall. And everything is wrong and not like you expected.

Missing is so awful feeling when you don't know when you see this person next time.

Missing is so awful when you can't hear the voice, see eyes.

It was so nice and sweet before, but now... it became something hopeless. I can't feel that warmth and tenderness anymore. Maybe it's just a period.

Memories and missing are directly connected. When you miss someone, you don't have anything else except memories. And they are killing me. Uncertainty is killing me. I don't know where and when we meet. I don't know this "next point". I don't know anything. I just want to be there.