Crisises of personality come suddenly. One of them came to me few days ago and it looked like "crisis of middle age". I thought that it'll pass, but today when I said words "I regret that I missed so many things in my life", I realized - it won't. Yes, I really regret. I look at guys of my age who achieved much more than me, and I start to feel inferior. And inspite of I'm just 22, I ALREADY missed some things. I could be more successful, I could know much more things, I could be smarter!
Damn! It's all because of the empty horizon in front of me. I just lost it. Somehow I just lost orientation. How come that I feel lost?? I always need to strive for something, to see my goal, to have a dream in my heart and to believe in this dream!
How could I lose it all?..

Question of a day: what does that mean if a guy who always was your friend, tries to kiss you?
I'm confused.

Taste of life

Tomorrow is a first spring day. Every year I'm waiting for this day more than for any other day! Because personally for me this day means the chance to start something from beginning, to find something new, to breathe in deeper and go forward. And every spring I go and buy tulips. When I see them, I feel soooo happy!
This spring is definetely unusual. I have a lot of free time. Finally I can do some little things which make me happy every day - going for a walk in the morning, reading some books which I always wanted to read, having time for all my friends. I'm waiting snow to melt and then I'll go running every morning, and then everything will be perfect!
People here are very happy to feel the spring. Maybe because nobody likes cold weather, maybe because we miss sun so much. And of course because spring - it's time when people smile more, more love each other and seem more beautiful))
Yesterday was the first relatively warm day - just -8! And people already took off their hats and wore more light clothes. Though -8 it's actually still cold! In this tendency I see huuuge people's wish to meet spring as soon as possible!
The popular wisdom says that you have to try something bitter for feeling the real taste of sweet things. That's true.
In first spring day I love the winter) Because after grey winter I can see how f*cking blue is the sky! How really hot is the sun! And when in sunny spring day I get little sunburn and my cheeks become pink - I think: "Yeah! It's SPRIIING, BABY!!"
Moreover, it's time of new hopes and dreams, time when you say: "Everything will be even better!" and time to open the new page.
It's even better than birthday and New year!
Oooh, I love it!

786 people viewed this blog, they are from 66 different countries.

It's so interesting to think - what all that people are doing right now? Who are they?

Maybe they are sleeping, eating, working, taking shower right now... at different parts of our planet. Different cultures, religions, age...

I thought about it after watching trailer of movie "Babies". Wanna watch it!

Who are you?

What are you doing right now?

Where are you from?

Where do you live?

Wondering:)

In love with life

After some time the borders of our personality are disappearing and thing which seemed so great before, now seem usual.

As for me, when in the evening I come to dorm and with my girls we share how we spent the day, I see something amazing in their eyes. They say like: "Wooow! How can you study at 2 faculties, work, take driving lessons and do something in AIESEC? How you have time?? Oooh, you can fluently speak english??". And then I realize - I am happy person. And that disappeared borders appear again) And again I see all benefits and advantages I have. If you are once AIESECer - you're always will be. After some time it becomes usual and ordinary to spend our life like this - in international space, with conferences, teams, leadership, challenges, interns, travelling and etc. etc... But we forget that there are some another life around us - without all this.

But actually we are special :)

And now, to 5th course of my studying and 3rd year of @ I see changes in myself and in my perception of world and people. The main discovery of these 3 years of @ were people, maybe because it always was the main problem for me - not to shy, to communicate closer, to meet strangers, to ask strangers, TO LIVE with strangers)) (for example, in dorm). It always was challenge and stress.

But recently I saw the results - I became interested in people - especially in people whom I know very little. I learned how not to judge people, how to see the whole picture (but not just some part which I want to see), I realized that I can be close to absolutely any person - because there is no person with whom there wouldn't be something common or similar. You can find the common language and approach to anyone. I LOVE to meet strangers and start talking to them) because I think every person has something to share with you, and you also have something to say.

I realized that I love people. Thats true:) Everything comes with experience.

This year I live with 3 new girls in my dorm - they are younger than me for 3 and 4 years. Today they asked me: "is it true that studentship are the best years in life? how was it for you?". And then I understood: "I couldn't wish something better than studentship with AIESEC". And I said: "Yes, it were the best years".

Today someone wrote me in vkontakte.ru: "the world is smiling to you". And I remember these words the whole day) Yes, it's smiling) I'm really happy person. Thanks God for everything I have at moment.

This summer was full of flasbacks. And full of "cut-offs" when I realized that some person is not important for me anymore.

Sometimes you used to think that you're important for someone and this person is important for you as well; that someone needs you and always will be somewhere near. But sometimes you're wrong. My mistake is that I become attached and addicted to people very fast, and then it's very painful for me to let them go. One of my "attachements" were lasting for 4 years. It was like a habit. I should over it about 2 years ago, but I was really addicted. When I asked: "is there any chance for us?" and realized no, next day I was in hospital with appendcitis. As soon as I woke up after operation, I thought: "Ok, I feel better". I felt like with appendicitis doctors cut off this my addiction to this person. Just after so many conflicts I became indifferent, I feel nothing now. It is not interesting for me what's going on with him. I don't care.

My 2nd flashback. I sent a e-mail. I was waiting for it a year, and for 1 year I was imagining: what if...? and when I did it, I realized: "I feel nothing!". And felt better.

I'm trying to learn how to just let go.

Yesterday I saw new girls with whom I'll live in dormitory. I'm quite closed person and it gets long time to get used to new people and to start trust them. But yesterday while falling asleep I thought: "I don't care". Maybe it's all AIESEC))) When after so many conferences, CEEDs, traineeships, buses, planes, trains and so many new faces you don't care - where and when to sleep, what to eat, you learn hot to be at several places at the same time and you're not afraid of new people, because communication with people (most of them are unknown) - it is the biggest part of AIESEC life. If this true, then I achieved that goal which I set 3 years ago - to stop shying and to become more communicative.

And can't avoid my job) I can say that I faced a real life. Life, when you have to be ready and should understand that everyone's watching, and you shouldn't do any mistakes. Also I faced with situation when you should be very careful, you shouldn't trust any words, you shouldn't say too mush, and as less people know about you as better for you.

It was challenging summer, and it was good for me. 1 month of my traineeship in Fortum left. Inspite of some bad moments, there were more good moments. And alredy now I know that I'll miss people there, and miss this company.

I'm surprised, but I'm reading book "Eat pray love" and it gives me harmony and calmness inside. I thought that it'll be another popular stupid book, but I want to have it in my house and read from time to time. Read at moments when everything is very bad. When I'm reading it, I feel happy.

This book is about woman who recently divorced and she decided to go for 1 year trip - 4 months in Italy, 4 months in India, 4 months in Bali. What did she fond there? Everything.

And what did I fond in this book? I fond silence for my soul. And hope.

The movie "Eat pray love" coming soon!