If you're confused I can tell one good way to sort out really important things and so-so things.

Write down for 1 minute all words come into your mind, for example:

-people you surrounded with

-goals

-events and etc.

Then read what did you write. Unimportant things won't be in your list, cause you simply forgot to wright them. If you forgot, it means it's so not important.

Don't block up your ming with trash.

While reading livejournal of Yulia Razumova I remembered my last days of internship. I wanted to add at least one more week, but what would it change? I just wanted to have a little bit more time for doing some things. I was afraid that I missed something. When we have no time anymore, suddenly we find out that we didn't do lots of things. If I would be smarter, I would hug dear people more often, I would tell them how much I love them and how they're great. But this is a good reason for striving to meet them again, right?

And this question which still has no answer: "How will you live in Russia after everything?".

Here is white snow and orange sky at night. Here is cold wind. It's so strange feeling and I can't explain it properly, but I don't feel myself here. I don't feel myself alive. It's like everything is just a dream, I'm just sleeping and waiting for a moment to wake up.

Different characteristics of person come out only in conditions, different from your usual life-style and make you think.

In our LC now is about 10 interns. International spirit. I should be happy about these results, we've never experienced something like this before in LC, but I'm not. Maybe because I don't feel my involvement in realization of these TNs or something. They're friendly and smiling like all interns and foreigners. Of course, come on ya, you're in another country, you have to be friendly.

EB elections will be in february-march. What should I do I even don't know. I need a good mentor. I need someone's advice. I need someone very smart and wise. Person who can help and force.

If I won't do something I'll apply for alumni. But it's not what I want to do so soon:(

Sometimes I think: "Damn, I'll be an alumni and thats all". But then I realize that it's not so easy.

2 years, every day. AIESEC changed everything in my life - environment, friends, goals, dreams, worldview over and above all these travellings.

Could I ever dream about it? NO NO and NO! Never!!! I even could't dream about all that I experienced!

When I was 16 I set sertain goals:

- apply for scholarship in uni for free education - I got it

- enter to the 2nd faculty for a translator - I did it

- after 3rd course go abroad (London) for practicing english - not London, but Cyprus 2 times.

- on the 4th course get a gob in company where I wanna build future career - I changed my mind

- stay in Che for a constant living, make a career (probably as auditor) and be sucessful. - I changed my mind.

I wanted to work in government service, wear this blue uniform of government employee and be soooo serious.

So what now? Now I know what means dream big and think differently. I rejected all I wanted at that age. Values were changed, goals and everything!

When I was 16 I even couldn't imagine what will I think about when I'm 20. I'd say that it's impossible and I'm insane. But no.

And after all that how can I leave AIESEC so easily? My life gravitates around it.

Time of elections is coming and the pressure is getting bigger and bigger.

Drama drama drama.

Totals of the year 2009

So, it's time for self-reflection about last year.
I don't know from what should I start. Maybe from the beginning:)

Country of the year - Turkey and N.Cyprus
City of the year - Istanbul
Decision of the year - not to apply for LCP 09-10
Team of the year - our trouble-4 - Olya, me, Maarja-Liis, Oriana
Motto of the year - Never give up
The best people of the year - mom and Ira
The worst people of the year - O. and E.
Happiness of the year - love
Disappointment of the year - Che LC members
Life-style of the year - schizophrenic
Discovery of the year - I'm able to find understanding with ANY person!
Feeling of the year - synergy, when 1+1=3
Surprise of the year - buying an apartment in Che
Song of the year - Natalie Imbruglia - "Counting down the days"
Condition of the year - missing and waiting
Challenge of the year - changing myself in a better way
Place of the year - airports; beach
Resourse of the year - internet and mobile
Meeting of the year - LC EM, all interns in Che and in Cyprus, Cyprus people (total it's more than 16 countries, more than 150 people)
Mania of the year - scarfs and earrings!
Mistake of the year - falling in love
Schock of the year - death of Patrick Swayse and Michael Jackson
Meal of the year - ice-cream
Sound of the year - sound of incoming sms

Smell of the year - perfume "Gucci II" by Gucci
Innovation of the year - Laboratoria))))
Revolution of the year - relationship with our group in uni
Drink of the year - martiny; ayran; fresh orange juice
Language of the year - english and turkish
Phrase of te year - "brain explosion" and "come on yaaa!"
Clothes of the year - jeans, grey jacket and folk scarf
Extreme of the year - being alone abroad
Experience of the year - being a teacher in English Prep. School:)
Travelling of the year - Che-Moscow-Istanbul-Cyprus. 3 planes in 1 day - is too much! Never do that! Total - 10 planes in a year
Book of the year - biography of Salvador Dali
Landscape of the year - sea+mountains
Funny moment of the year - explaining to foreigners who is Cheburaska:)
Nirvana of the year - watching sunrises and shooting stars
Loss of the year - grandma
Value of the year - my family; health
Dream of the year - to find a million dollars:)
Problem of year - uni and money
Gift of the year - little kitten for birthday:)
Dream come true of the year - aya Sofia in Istanbul
Writer of the year - Frederic Beigbeder
Movie of the year -He's just not that into you
Parting of the year - with E.
Role model of the year - Ksu
Conclusion of the year - self-sufficiency

It was the shortest year in my life, the most awesome... The only one thought went through the whole year - thought about Cyprus: all the time, every day. Thats why every point related with it)
I want to thank all the people who I met, who was with me. It was hard year, interesting, bright and full. Thanks for support and understanding.
I love everyone who stayed with me, in my heart, in my mind.

Special thanks to:
- @ EM - for making my year like this - cool! Especially to EB 09-10
- Ugur - for friendship
- Ira of course! - for support, for being together every day) for Laboratoria)))
- female part of my EB 08-09 - for not loosing connection
- my family - always and everywhere
- Oriana - for being role model
- Alex Podolsky - for our crazy trio:)
- Saif - for making me feel better

Happy New Year guys! And don't forget to make a wish at 00.00 ;)

I don't wear warm gloves, I just don't like gloves.
Sometimes I'm going out without hat in -15. I want to feel freedom.
And I'm sick again.
I realized that I'm done. I'm totally tired and empty. I realized that it's time to do something. Why? In bathroom I looked down and saw the sea on the floor. The water from tap was flowing right on the floor. I didn't notice that. I suppose my neighbours were happy.
I miss sun:(((
Some things about f*cking winter and -25 degrees:
1. To walk on the snow and ice on high-heels - is a killing activity actually. But russian women can do it. And even run if you're late.
2. Frozen face - it's terrible. You just feel like you don't have face.
3. Using mascara in a windy-snowy day - it's a danger for society. You can look at the mirror and see panda.
3. I hate fur coats. Probably I'll wear it only when I'll be 40 years old woman.
4. Winter - is a perfect season to quit smoking: smoking in -25 doesn't bring you any pleasure.
5. After -25 the weather with -10 degrees is a paradise, it's Cyprus, it's better than sex.
6. I suppose our poor interns completely shocked. But it's a unique experience)
7. Today my father with his friends went to hunt for a bear. REAL BEAR YAAA! Big, brown, sleeping, angry wild BEAR! In a forest in mountains!!!! Btw hunting is just a fun for russian men. But I don't understand it.
This is Russia. Come and enjoy!

P.S.: Famous stereotype: "In Russia bears are freely walking on the streets and Red Square". In winter bears don't walk on the streets - they're sleeping at their lair since november to march :) And actually they live in deep-deep forest))

5 days before New Year. Before sleeping I close my eyes and vizualising a miracle. In New Year everything is possible - I know!
Just believe till the end.

Now I'm reading a book of turkish writer who lives in Istanbul - Orhan Pamuk "The museum of innocence". And it's amazing - lots of interesting for me details, features of that time and culture. Things I don't understand, but I'm trying. Things I already know and maybe experienced something. Sometimes I feel like I'm somewhere on these pages.
I'm reading - and I'm there - in Istanbul - crowded, bright, different, sunny and full of love. It's awesome how he describes details - smells, colours, sounds, faces. And of course this culture which I want to understand - what makes that people act like this? Why they're like that? Why they think differently and have different priorities, values and point of view about society?
Books are developing imagination, feelings, memory and critical point of view. I love books and films which make think.
December. At New Year time everyone is waiting for a miracle and has that special mood when you're looking up at the falling snow and you know: "Everything will be fine". By the way the best New Year films for me are "Serendipity" (yes, I believe in destiny) and already classical "Love actually".
Last time it was snowing about 3-4 weeks ago. I'm waiting for falling snow. Then I'll take a cup of hot choсolate, watch my "new year movies" and be sure: "Everything will be fine".

Enjoying the thought that everything is so nice) no hurry, no responsibilities, no pain. Everything in its right place. Who are we to each other? I don't know. But I won't force things, just what happens is happens.

It's too cold outside for going somewhere. I just wanna be at home, sit with warm blanket and look at the falling snow. But the sky is so greedy even for snow. Shit:(

I wanna recover faster. I stopped taking medicine and my temperature is still on the same point. Then what's the meaning of pills? It's even doesn't help. I decided that it's not flu or something, it's just nervous.

Magic thing in my life: I have fever. I send or receive messages. My mood becoming better. After that I have normal temperature. Then again fever. HOW???

New Year. I wanna real magic. I wanna surprise... I wanna be not here.

Honestly, every time I'm waiting for New Year just for making a wish in a midnight, cause all that I wish comes true always:) What should Iwish in this time? Hmm... lots of things!!!)))

Waiting for a miracle :) (feeling like I'm 10 years old hehe)

About past

I haven't watched old pictures on my laptop for ages. I bought my laptop 1 year ago. And now it seems like it keeps all my life. So many memories, pictures, messages! Different, from different people, good or bad...

Yesterday I saw one pictures by chance. Sometimes it's better just to let someone go. Don't disturb anymore, don't call, don't send messages, delete from your life and forget. That time it was bad idea to listen somebody's advice, I'm glad now that I just listened to my intuition and didn't do that. I let go. I remembered everyone. For what sometimes we're trying to catch someone who doesn't belong to us anymore? And never belonged. If someone doesn't make you happy anymore or you make him unhappy - just set him free. What I did.

1 year. It seems, I lived the whole life for this period. People, faces, feelings, huge mistakes and endless happiness.

As said Chuck Palahniuk, Almost all the time, you tell yourself you're loving somebody when you're just using them. This only looks like love.

Now everybody seems happy. One day I let them go and now they're happy. It means everything was right.

Monday morning bus to Che. Rainy mood. I want to see rain, but there is nothing, even no snow... So hard to be somewhere out. I just want to be at home and nowhere else.

Since Saturday my favourite meal consists of antibiotic pills and sedatives. Mom tells it’s all because of schock and I believe that popular wisdom which tells: “Any ailments are because of nerves”. But it’s ok, I just have to accept everything what happened. And don't blame myself, because it wasn't my fault. Everything what I can do now is to keep good memories and love. Life and death are walking together.

After recent events I realized - there is no words "one day I will" or "tomorrow". Only "right here, right now". Life is so short and unpredictable! And unfair. I don't want to lose every single moment.

Watched Oriana's video for MCP, she's great, really great and she deserves this position. I'm really proud of my working with her, she is a person to whose level I wanted to grow up. I love you very much, my dear Orianochka! And believe in you! And I still miss, I fucking miss this country, Istanbul and my emerald island! But the main factor is people. No matter where, no matter when, matters WHO.

3 months. 2nd winter day. And I'm such a fool. Sick, sad, stupid.